Biggest mistake

[SussexJS]

Hi everyone,

First time poster but I wanted a bit of impartial advice.

I met the love of my life in 2018 and everything seemed amazing until I found out that he’d seen someone else for the first 5 weeks of our relationship. It was early days but I wasn’t happy about it as there were lies and stuff thrown in too.

We worked through it and fell in love. He moved in 9 months later.

As part of the getting over the initial fling and lies, we saw relate, just to help us. What came out of relate was the sexual and violence I had suffered as a child from my step father. It all came to the surface for the first time and my trust issues stem from that, so the issues I had with my new partner were totally blown out of proportion. Since that time my whole family have fallen out with my mother and stepfather. It’s a bit of a rift.

Push forward to lockdowns one and two, I couldn’t cope with a) demands from him for a bigger house b) moving out of my ‘castle’ and c) just wanting time to rebuild myself a bit. I had a nervous breakdown but had brilliant therapy and it helped me get over a number of issues.

So I pushed away my partner a number of times and we tried to get back together before I was ready emotionally. He move back to his parents and that hurt immensely. But I didn’t have the energy to cope with it.

Over Christmas we’ve still been talking and texting but I noticed he was getting colder and we’d alluded to having a complete break to see what we can get out of it the other end. Then two days ago he said to me that he no longer loves me the way he used to and doesn’t want the relationship back as it became too hurtful for both of us. This hit me very hard. It’s like knowing he’s gone forever has made me realise how stupid I am being. He stood by my side through it all and the anxiety of covid. We were clearly strong together but we can’t keep on like this. Something had to give.

We’ve agreed to not talk for a while to see what comes out the other side but I’m hurting bad. Like I’ve never known. I feel like I’ve lost that one chance of absolute happiness. Before covid I was planning marriage and how to ask his parents but everything just became too much for me all at the same time.

But I love him dearly. I feel like I’ve had my heart ripped out and I’ve pushed him away through no fault of my own. I just wasn’t emotionally available.

I sent him this message yesterday following a 2 hour conversation where we both cried.

“ Hi. This is the last time I’ll message you but wanted to say that I’d like to think we have one last go. At your pace, when you are ready. If it doesn’t happen then I can’t say I didn’t ask. I’m happy to move forward with you, however you want that. I’ve never done anything like this before but it feels different this time.”

So what do I do? Sit and wait? Hope he misses me too? We’ve been trying to fix it for a year but I just wasn’t ready.

What made me 100% realise that I’ve made a mistake Is remembering how proud I used to be of him in every way. In private, in public and we just get on so well. It was just circumstance that threw us off course.

Any I advice would he cherishes.

Thank you.

This isn’t “one last go”. It’s yet another “last go” in a pattern of many incidents of you each pushing the other away, making up, breaking up and getting back together.

Relationships really aren’t meant to be this difficult and stressful. People who who are right for each other, having their needs met, and trying their best to meet their partner’s needs, don’t spend years going through a cycle of break-up/make-up. People in the right relationship don’t have therapy just a year into their relationship over something that happened in the first month of dating. People in the right relationship don’t play games with each other trying to make the other miss them.

He isn’t the love of your life, you just think he is, because so much of your past three years has been wrapped up in this adrenaline-fuelled drama that you’ve not had time to think about what love really looks like and how to get it. Stay separated, you aren’t a good couple.

It is very normal to remember and miss the good parts of a relationship after breakup. And its what you miss and why it feels so painful. I am sorry.

However - it is quite clear that it’s over. It’s not circumstances that broke you up. You two don’t work together.
Lockdown has been the trial that many couples failed, and some succeeded. Strong relationships got closer. Relationships with issues had them amplified.
And now he doesn't feel this way about you - so it’s pointless to beg him for any more ‘chances’.
You have already spent half of your relationship trying to fix it. Over and over, from the very first year. This isn’t what ‘love of your life’ should feel like.

Other than that - you seem quite young and believing in fairy tales. There is not one chance in life to meet someone. There is no absolute happiness. I think you need to focus on yourself and continue healing and growing up. And also to develop healthy boundaries and self respect.
This can help you realise that a partner partner who ‘demands a bigger house’ and for you to move out of your ‘castle’ - (whatever it means) - is’t worth it.

Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate your honesty.

The bit that confuses me is that I still love him, despite everything and to me that is important. I’m not looking for a fairytale, I’m looking for a way to build a bridge back to someone who stood by me and I just wasn’t able.

If you have any advice on this I’d be grateful.

I’m not giving up on something that was made the way it is by my evil stepfather. If it wasn’t for his actions, the initial blip would have been just that.

The initial 'blip' was lies and deception that you've been made to feel like you overreacted to because of your past. You didn't overreact.

You're not good for each other.

Let’s say that he is the love of your life and this relationship is meant to be. What’s changed since two days ago? Why will this “last go” be different to all the other times when you’ve pushed each other away and got back together? You’re both still exactly the same people you were 48 hours ago, when he told you he doesn’t love you like he used to and you both agreed it wasn’t salvageable.

If he is the love of your life, then surely the best and most effective way to actually test and realise that is to agree to stay apart for, I don’t know, six months at least, so that you can work on your issues in therapy and you both have some breathing space to think about what makes you happy and how you can make each other happy. If he’s the love of your life and meant to be, six months apart, getting stronger and making sure you’re the best person you can be is nothing, right?

But you won’t agree to do that, because I think you both know that in six or more months time you’ll have had enough time apart and enough consideration will have taken place that one or the other of you will realise the relationship isn’t good, and won’t want to get back together again.

You weren’t “strong together”, you were co-dependent. It hurts, I know, but this really really isn’t a description of a loving relationship between two people who are right for each other.

Sometimes you get the advice you need, not the advice you want. You say he's stood by you and you weren't able... honestly it sounds like you're putting him on a pedestal and blaming yourself, which isn't healthy.

I understand you want to give things another go, but it doesn't sound like he does, and it certainly doesn't sound like this next attempt will play out any differently to the past.

OP - we are the way we are because of our genetics and our life experiences. But it doesn’t help you to keep thinking about everybody and everything else to be responsible for the way your life and York relationships go.
Your ‘evil stepfather’ didn’t make this relationship fall apart.

You are expecting by a fairly tale. Because in those stories - love always ends up in happily ever after. And this is what we grow up believing.

But life doesn’t always work this way.

Once you have lived a longer life - you will understand that ‘love’ is just a beginning, one initial step in building a relationship.
It’s not enough on its own.
Just because you love someone - doesn’t mean you can have a long and happy life with them. This is why many people fall in love, try it out, and after a few/many years - relationships break down.
In addition to love - two people in a relationship need to fit on some basic cohabiting level. Share goals, interests, approach to work, life and household management. Boring as it all may sound.

Also - just because you love (or still love) someone after a while - doesn’t mean they still return your feelings.

So - there isn’t rebuilding of something that doesn’t exist. You really need to focus on yourself.

He showed you who he was at the beginning of the relationship. This is one to let go OP. Both of you are not good for each other. As others have said it shouldn't be this difficult. I would stay away. Just because you love someone doesnt mean they are right for you. You have both pushed and pulled so stop the merry go round, and it will become one as its a pattern you both have got into. You aren't right for each other so just politely move on.

Your romancising your relationship when in reality he had two women he was seeing at the same time until he decided which one to go for, he's a cheat. You don't work op stop chasing him.

It sounds like you've spent most of your relationship trying to fix it...
From the outside it doesn't sound worth it tbh! It's not supposed to be this difficult

I get all this. Massively.

But I’m sick to my stomach with regret. Surely that means a lot?

It feels to me like he did a lot of the work by coming back when I wanted him but I put in little effort myself. I really didn’t. I just complained about how much pressure he was putting on me when in fact, he was just excited that I’d taken him back. Again.

@SussexJS

I get all this. Massively.

But I’m sick to my stomach with regret. Surely that means a lot?

It feels to me like he did a lot of the work by coming back when I wanted him but I put in little effort myself. I really didn’t. I just complained about how much pressure he was putting on me when in fact, he was just excited that I’d taken him back. Again.

But you didn't want to take him back. If you felt like he was pushing you you weren't ready.

Why do you regret anything when all we can see if that a few men have treated you awfully and you've been very forgiving?

The bottom line is that you wouldn’t have posted if everything was right. You’re sick to your stomach because you want a relationship to work out and to be loved: that doesn’t mean that this relationship is going to work out.

I just hope you’re one of MNers who posts here for the broad range of topics and views rather than because you’re a parent, and there aren’t a couple of poor sod kids in the background being pushed and pulled around amidst this drama.

No kids.

I was one of the poor kids being pushed and pulled around in the 80s by my bloody mother.

I still love him, despite everything and to me that is important.

Oh lovely, falling in love - it's really not supposed to be this hard and complicated.

You deserve so much more from a relationship.

I really hope you can get over him and realise how good a relationship can be, without all this angst.

But I’m sick to my stomach with regret. Surely that means a lot?

Absolutely you need to mourn the loss of what you thought you had with him. It was not real, and now it's time for you to give up the fairytale and work on having a life that is worthwhile.

@SussexJS

Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate your honesty.

The bit that confuses me is that I still love him, despite everything and to me that is important. I’m not looking for a fairytale, I’m looking for a way to build a bridge back to someone who stood by me and I just wasn’t able.

If you have any advice on this I’d be grateful.

I’m not giving up on something that was made the way it is by my evil stepfather. If it wasn’t for his actions, the initial blip would have been just that.

Any good partner will accommodate any issues you have regarding your past. They won't trigger them, and you won't have to get over them, to have a healthy relationship. You need to accept your past, and your partner does too, including whatever shape you're in as a result of it.

If you think it should work because 'I love him', you are looking for a fairytale. People often love/keep loving people with whom they are incompatible, and could only ever have an unhealthy relationship. People sometimes love people because they only offer an unhealthy relationship.

If your relationship has been ruined by your evil step father, then you need to be single, and work through why and how that's happened. You've clearly been taught to view an unhealthy relationship style as healthy, and something you want to keep in your life, despite the fact that it is continually causing you discomfort, over a long period of time. The fact that sometimes it makes you feel good isn't relevant; a relationship needs to be judged on how it deals with things when they go wrong.

A healthy relationship will make you feel nice, 98% of the time. There might be a little blip here and there, a misunderstanding, a disagreement, but these will be dealt with quickly and painlessly, and both people will come out feeling like it's sorted. That's nothing like what you've got here, is it?

You have only been together 4 ish years, and in that time, you've had to deal with trust issues from an overlapping relationship, go to relationship counselling, have broken up and gotten back together it seems several times. This doesn't sound like a relationship that ever was going anywhere. These are the early, easy, fun years. The hard stuff usually doesn't come til later (even if you have experienced trauma - I have myself too). If it's a good, happy relationship, it should be fun and light at this stage without all the pressures that come with marriage and children and later life and bigger financial worries. It sounds like this wasn't the right one for you, but you're holding on and holding on, and that's doing you no good.

I feel sympathy for you as you obviously have issues from your childhood but honestly? I think you are being very unfair to him and possibly a bit emotionally manipulative. I wouldn't be happy at all if this was my son. Him seeing someone else at the start of your relationship was obviously well out of order and I can understand why you'd have trust issues.

But you can't keep on to-ing and fro-ing every time you are an an up or a down. Who's to say your not just in a good place at the moment and then your feelings will change again later on?

My relationship is far from perfect and we've had many ups and downs but the one thing weve always done is stick together - there was never any question of us not being in love and wanting to be with one another every day. That's when you know you really love someone IMO. It sounds to me that now you are apart you are maybe looking back with rose tinted glasses. Are you generally a grass is always greener on the other side kind of personality?

Everything you’re feeling is valid and understandable but not everything you’re feeling has meaning and significance and requires action.

Breaking up seems to be the right thing, and the ‘evil stepfather’ and ‘bloody mother’ preventing you from getting to your ‘one true love’ is a child’s eye view.

You’re trying to keep him as ‘good’ in your mind so that your actions are the ‘bad’ thing which you can control so you can fix it. You can’t.

I’d also say that when you meet with the right one a lot of this stuff (not childhood abuse but insecurity and angst) will fall away and you will honestly have nothing to analyse. That’s what it’s like when you’re happy.

Let this go, keep up the therapy and review in 6 months or so.

Just re-reading your OP I have to say I agree with pp's that the cheating in the start of the relationship alone would make this relationship one to give no more energy to for me - I'm a jealous type and I couldn't get past that I don't think.

OP. How much time have you spent (wasted) today in angst about this relationship? How much time have you spent thinking about it, crying about it, writing your first post here, responding to the responses, trying to defend your boyfriend’s behaviour and actions to respondees, trying to explain why you think something happened, worrying about whether the best course of action is to take him back immediately or play the game of trying to make him miss you in the hope he comes to a dramatic realisation about what he’s lost?

Extrapolate that across the length of your relationship, right from when you found out he was taking his time to decide between you and another woman at the start. How much time spent (wasted) worrying, crying, trying to decide what to do, second guessing him and yourself, going to relationship counselling, crying because it hasn’t worked, crying because he’s gone cold on you, endless angsty texting back and forth, endless sessions of nothing but focusing on what’s wrong with your relationship and how you fix it?

Do you really want to spend (waste) your life doing this? Think back over the past couple of years. What could you have done or achieved if you hadn’t been doing all of that?

Guess how much time I’ve spent today worrying about my relationship and what it all means? None. None at all. Guess how much in the past year? You’ve got it – none.

Doesn’t that sound lovely? Wouldn’t that be an absolute relief? Can you imagine how wonderful it would be not to go frantic with worry that every silence from him means he’s “going cold”, or to have a happy day and not have to worry about what’s coming next?

Keep on with your therapy. Break things off with this man. Let him find somebody else to have an easy life with, and eventually find the same for yourself.

Thank you. It’s nice to hear such amazing support is out there. I agree with all of what you have said ComtesseDeSpair.

This isn’t as good as it gets and I need to break free from it.

I would say that the 'in love' feeling is not to be trusted. Very little of that feeling is based in reality and on capability. Even when it is for someone that later turns out to be trustworthy and compatible, it is still mostly luck.

Making decisions on the basis of those feelings can be detrimental to your own future and stability.

I recommend thinking about steps and decisions that would be beneficial to you on the basis that you are going to be on your own, supporting yourself.

Capability should be compatability