*Trigger warning* Dating survivor of abuse

[Hallibo]

My new partner and his siblings are the survivors of horrific sexual and physical abuse as children. He was open about this with me and has done a lot of therapy/work to get past this and make amends with it.

We have an unbelievably strong physical attraction though haven't had actual intercourse just yet. He says prior to this, he hasn't felt this level of attraction and that sex was broken for him. He had limited sexual partners as a result. At some point i know this will happen but I'm not sure how to handle this as best/understanding as possible. I don't want to treat him as a victim in any way but I'm aware it's very significant to him.

I think you will just have to rely on honest and open communication. Listen to what he’s saying but don’t be afraid to tell him how you feel too. You sound caring and thoughtful.

As with all relationships, don’t turn a blind eye to any red flags in your desire to be supportive.

@AtlasPine thank you. Yes, I've been really alert to red flags and he's been brilliant. I'm just aware this is a very different set of circumstances which I want to handle sensitively. I'm not chasing sex at all but I also don't want him to put too much pressure on himself to make it perfect.

There's nothing you need to do that you wouldn't ordinarily do in a relationship. If you start to do things differently, or in a 'special' way, because of his past, then his past starts affecting you as well as him.

Be you. Listen (which you obviously will because if you're posting, then you really care about him) and respond. It's not about how to treat 'an abuse victim', it's about how to treat him, and only he can guide you on that.

@TheFoundation I know above all that he doesn't want me to treat him any differently as he feels he has sorted it in his head. But I just didn't want to be flippant either.

I know someone like this. Exact same situation as kids. Therapy also. It can take time for them to recover ownership? Over their sexuality. But there's absolutely every possibility that they can do it with the right person at the right time. Good luck

[quote Hallibo]@TheFoundation I know above all that he doesn't want me to treat him any differently as he feels he has sorted it in his head. But I just didn't want to be flippant either.[/quote]
You won't be. You care too much. Have faith that being yourself is exactly what he needs. You don't need to 'try' or 'make an effort'. Be your easy self with him. The best thing you can offer him is a relaxed, trusting relationship, and given that you're a lovely person who cares about him, that's what will come naturally.

'Am I doing it right??', 'Do I need to be doing something differently??' type thought processes are the things that will throw a spanner in the works.

I guess we have almost a highly sexed type relationship as well as a very loving one whereas now I'm a bit worried to continue with all the fun given his background. But as you say (and he says), he's never known fun like this and wants it forever!

Hello

Posted too soon. Just checking in to say great advice here. I have been myself and we are both really happy.