My husband’s alcohol addiction

[Justcallmebabs]

Hi, I have posted about marriage problems before but things have come to light since my last thread. My relationship with my husband has struggled over the past 2 years as his mental health began to deteriorate on account of sexual abuse he suffered as a child. He had finally started to face it and it opened Pandora’s box for him. He started to abuse alcohol to cope. I wasn’t aware how much, how often but knew something wasn’t right. He would go out to do a recreational activity and come home seeming tipsy. When I questioned it he would dismiss me but the following day would be a write off. It led to difficulties between us which came to a head when our DS2 was born. For the month before, and 2 months after I had my son he was drinking every night (out of the house). He was off on paternity leave for 4 weeks but was of no help, I was delighted when he went back to work. A good friend of ours finally told me what was happening and I confronted him. It was horrible, in front of our friends. He threatened to kill himself etc….horrible (I was 6weeks PP).

After that we decided to try and work on our marriage, that he would get help and he has. We have been attending couples counselling and he has been having group sessions with other addicts. There have been 2 lapses and it’s not been perfect but 3 steps forward, one step back. I always said it was unrealistic to ask him never to drink but I needed honesty and a willingness to get better. I was talking to our friend today and they started asking me questions and was a bit cynical about some of the things I was saying. I heard myself and kind of agreed so decided to confront DH. He admitted he has been drinking more than I know. He said 2 other times but I can’t believe him.

On one hand I feel so sad for him, what he went through and the fact he has had no acknowledgement from his family about it. Our counsellor has explain why he responds the way he does and it makes complete sense. But that doesn’t help me with carrying on this marriage. I have lost all trust in him and he has made me completely doubt my own judgement. We have two beautiful sons who have helped me cope with all of this but I feel depleted, done. My oldest son (5) absolutely adores his father and will be destroyed if we split but idk if long term we are doing more damage. Since starting marriage counselling we have managed our disagreements in a more healthy way but are not what I would call a model of a happy relationship. He has been at times pretty awful with questioning my mental health, gaslighting etc.

Does anyone have any similar experiences? Words of wisdom? Should I walk away?

Hi. Sounds like you both had a tough time. But sadly your husband will find there is no answer at the bottom of a bottle.!! Ultimately upto you if you walk away there’s a risk he could drink even more if you do. But at least you won’t be around to see it. There will be tough decisions like would you feel comfortable leaving child with him in / out of the marriage

If there is no trust there is no relationship. He was a victim himself of heinous abuse against him but that is no reason or excuse for him to drink excessively, gaslight you, threaten suicide (to further manipulate you) and emotionally abuse you.

I would not continue either to raise your son in such a toxic and abusive environment. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship and any further joint sessions should be cancelled. It also seems that this counsellor has no real experience or even understanding when it comes to abusive relationships and she’s sided with him. If he can manipulate you, he can certainly manipulate a counsellor too. Your son won’t be devastated either if you split, was wondering why you used such a word. Consider instead what he would learn about relationships from his dad (not to just say you either) in particular if you stayed. A shedload of damaging lessons, besides staying for the so called sake of the children rarely if ever works out at all well.

I’m the child of an alcoholic and his enabler. He’s dead now, it got him in the end. I adored my dad, but he chose booze above all and my mother enabled that. She didn’t think she was, but she did, and protected him from the wider consequences of his actions.

Things could have been so different if SHE had made different choices. He was the addict but it was within her gift to let him go, straighten out (or not) and protect US from what we inevitably endured. You might not think your child knows much about what is happening. It will all become normalised anyway.

The very kindest, bravest, most loving thing you can do is to let him go. You’re not killing him. You’re not ending his role as father. You’re holding space for him to recover, for you to deal with your own stuff and are protecting your child. Good luck.

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. 💐. This kind of self-destructive behaviour is damaging to witness. But unfortunately you aren’t just having to witness it, you are also suffering the effects of it.

Until he gets help, proper help, for himself and really wants to change his behaviour there is nothing you can do. That’s the hardest part to come to terms with. He may try to make his addiction about your marriage or try to make you feel responsible in some way for his behaviour. It’s not you. It’s not your marriage. The addiction is his alone. I’m not sure there is any point hoping he will be honest with you. In my experience honesty and addiction don’t go hand in hand.

Protect yourself. Look after yourself. You can’t save him but you can save yourself and protect your children from the effects of his addiction.

Can you get some family support from Al-Anon? There will be plenty of people in your situation, some who have stayed and some who have left. That peer support may be really helpful. Put yourself and your children first though. It’s not all about him although it probably feels like that most of the time. You have your own life to live.

Has the counseling really been going on long enough yet to have got further forward than you are? Are you raising these honesty issues when you are at couple sessions? Just be very wary how much you read on here because there are people on MN who revel in convincing vulnerable people they are being abused by their spouses and encouraging them to split up before all avenues have really been exhausted. Many of the issues you raise are things I would expect you to be raising in front of him at your joint sessions and the sexual abuse issues he is seeking help with are not going away after a few months of counseling. At least be sure that you've given it realistic hope of healing before walking away.

Agree with @Calamitydrayne I would also suggest getting your own counselling and support separate from the joint counselling to explore your thoughts and feelings in a safe space.

Your DH needs to do AA. Honestly, it's transformational, and every addict has pain in their past. AA helps them deal with that pain.

Until he's ready to do AA, you could do Al Anon - that's a support group for relatives of addicts.

Forget any ideas you might have about AA groups. In reality they are incredible.

I joined a group that's like AA but not quite as strict. The people who run it will at AA and recovery centres, and a lot of our members also do AA. It's the most life-changing organisation.

Marriage counselling is one thing, but your husband needs epscialist treatment to tackle his alcohol abuse alongside that - it has to be both. Unless he is prepared to do that, it isn't looking good. The fact that he is lying about his drinking and doing it in secret is a massive problem.

At the very least you need to get support for yourself from a group like Al-Anon - they will teach you to stop enabling, set boundaries and take care of yourself. You and your DS are the only people you can rescue here.

It may be necessary for you and your husband to separate while he works on his addiction - this will be for the long term. It isn't good for addicts to be dealing with relationships as well as their addiction, and it isn't recommended to take up or resume a relationship unless the addict has had at least a year sober, preferably longer.

I am so sorry you are in this situation - been there, done that. But you seem to have a pretty clear view of what needs to happen. For thesake of your DC, you have to be out of this situation. Good luck.