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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Issues with ex and parenting

16 replies

Gettingthere2022 · 04/01/2022 21:10

Posted in chat by accident.

I have name changed to post this as this could be outing.

My son (tween) called me absolutely hysterical asking to be picked up from his father’s and threatened to walk to mine if I didn’t pick him up (late at night so dark - after 11). I called my ex to try to find out what had happened basically according to ex he was told “no” to a request he had made and was just having a tantrum. My son kept calling me and I spoke to him where he again threatened to walk as he had already left the house and my ex hadn’t stopped him in the expectation he would be back and left door open for him.

I went to see son as I didn’t want him to do anything silly and intent was to talk, find out why so upset as couldn’t be just cos told “no”. Son explained he was upset but because ex and been verbally aggressive and made motions to hit but “pretend” always “pretends” but doesn’t follow through and had been shouting at son.

Whilst I was trying to calm son down ex came storming up to us and kept yelling at son to get back in house with son refusing. I was trying to act as mediator to calm situation and convince son to stay. Ex was mocking me for my “soft” approach and cutting me off. He was furious with me as he felt I was undermining his parenting. I could not convince son to stay and frankly I was concerned for him.

Ex came back to car and asked son if staying or going. Son said going so ex stormed off.

I got home to some missed calls and when I did answer he was rude and mocking me again and insisted I bring son back. There were more calls and lots of sms accusing me of undermining his parenting. I explained it was super late son still upset and let me calm him down and bring him back in morning. He kept asking I bring back now ignoring what I was saying not seeing that how he handles things with son always causes escalation.

Son already feels his sibling is ex’s favourite and that he gets yelled at more and the kind of yelling involves gritted teeth and in your face shouting.

I’m hoping to have another chat with son with the view of taking him back but how do I deal with the ex? It is truly because of how he handles son (very authoritarian approach) that causes so much escalation over minor things and it was certainly not my intent to undermine but I could not stand to hear my child so distressed he was sobbing on phone.

We have court orders in place which ex kept alluding to as well as repeating same phrase over and over being his house his rules. Ex was rude to me by mocking me and hanging up on me but I ignored as situation was about child not me.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 04/01/2022 21:29

Why would you take him back there? He doesn't want to go and he's old enough to decide not to.

Go back to court. Abusing your son the way this man is, the court will listen to your son's wants and needs.

RandomMess · 04/01/2022 21:36

I would chat to your son as to whether he actually wants to go back/have overnights??

Is DS willing to talk to someone at school about how he feels about Dad shouting and bullying him etc?

You can ask DS if he wants the court order changed and if so you will support him but he needs to be willing to say what he wants even though it will make his Dad angry.

Your ex sounds like a complete bully and I would save all evidence of his messages to you but do not react or respond to them.

Pinkyxx · 04/01/2022 21:38

I don't read any under-mining in what you've written. Your child told you they were coming home, distressed. He had felt so distressed he had left the house - what were you to do? Leave him wandering the streets??

As a parent you de-escalate'' conflict not the other way around. It's clearly not good for him to be yelled at in that manner, even if the child was having a tantrum it had escalated beyond the point I'd personally be comfortable with. Personally, if my child had called me that distressed and was walking home I'd have collected them and not engaged in any discussion with ex. The situation had got out of hand.

I'd suggest you speak to your son when things are calmer and try and understand what happened. Then you can decide next steps. In all outcomes your ex needs to look at how he handled the situation (based on what you've shared that may be easier said than done). Your son is fast approaching the teen years and this level of conflict does not bode well. I've been going through similar with my DD (13) for the last 2 years, and it escalated far beyond what I could have imagined ( albeit dynamics are different) and things had to change and sadly that took legal steps. With hindsight, I wish I'd been more proactive.

maskedwoman · 04/01/2022 21:39

Pease do not take your son back there. Your son is talking sense - listen to him

Pinkyxx · 04/01/2022 21:43

Hit reply too soon - sorry!

Sometimes contact needs to change as they get older. I say this as someone with a court order, and an ex who waves it in my face at every opportunity screaming 'alienation!!''. Bottom line contact needs to work for the child.. bullying your son and you isn't appropriate and it's important your son see you stand up to this not feel compelled to minimize it because there is a court order.

I'd strongly recommend approaching the school for counselling as this can be very helpful. Your ex's behavior will have been frightening therefore it's important your son be heard and his feelings acknowledged. Schools are very equipped to assess any safeguarding concerns with this type of incident as well.

Helponhand · 04/01/2022 21:52

I would go back to the courts in another year he will be free from pr but if its causing your son mental or emotional distress I would look at it. Also mediation is a great way to express feelings and if your exs behaviour is considered abusive can be called upon in court especially if it's causing trauma to your son.

Helponhand · 04/01/2022 21:53

Also you did nothing wrong I'd have done the same thing

Mischance · 04/01/2022 21:58

Your son is distressed - his Dad is overwrought and behaving in a bullying fashion. No way would I take him back to be with this person.

theremustonlybeone · 04/01/2022 22:00

I don’t know why you were encouraging your DC to stay? He called you distressed late in the evening and told you his father was verbally aggressive and was making out he was going to hit him. You need to stand by your DC now. I would have blocked the man who was threatening my DC and I would be speaking to my DS to ask what he wants to do now. Court orders can be changed

Mummacake · 04/01/2022 22:09

My young son was treated the same way as your tween by his dad. Preference from whole paternal family for 'golden child' who looks like them. Court orders were in place and my child was too frightened to stand up to their dad. The aggressive behaviour was similar to what your son has described - shouting, gritting teeth, rage etc, as well as bullying & unfair comparisons to his elder brothers. None of my sons now see their dad - they don't want to see him or his family. Unless there's a backstory, the significant emotional harm cannot be underestimated. Don't force him to go if it upsets him. It's taken a lot for him to speak out. He needs to know he can speak openly and be listened to. I was also bullied with court (relentlessly), but eventually it backfired on all of them when a barring order was put in place. Wishing you all the best

Italiangreyhound · 04/01/2022 22:12

Your ex behaved appallingly. Your poor son.

I think your ex needs some anger management. I don't think your son is wrong to want to stay away from an aggressive man.

Bagelsandbrie · 04/01/2022 22:17

Don’t try to persuade your son to go back. Support him in saying he doesn’t want to see his Dad / go back. It’s really important he feels you’re on his side. As a tween there is no way anyone can “force” him to go, court orders can be challenged and changed. He could actually report his Dad to the police for threatening behaviour.

HailAdrian · 04/01/2022 22:18

Some posters living in dream land as usual. If there is a court order in place, OP can't just 'withhold' her son from his dad. The court won't consider an argument a good enough reason. It's not fair but that's the way it goes.

As pp said though, you could apply to get the order changed, he's old enough for his views to be taken into account properly now?

Original poster

Gettingthere2022 · 04/01/2022 22:33

Thank you everyone. I can’t just change the court orders but in a year or so my son can make a decision. There is also another child involved who has a much better relationship. These two clash a lot his father has an authoritarian style with him and it’s just not working I’ve tried so many times to explain this but he becomes defensive and then there is no reasoning.

Also I am not there when these things have happened and ex says some of those things didn’t happen and son basically having tantrum for not getting own way.

However I have seen ex behave this way and was able to stop/referee before we split up so basically manage the situation. I can’t do that anymore.

Son knows I am here for him and fully support him.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 04/01/2022 22:54

@HailAdrian

As pp said though, you could apply to get the order changed, he's old enough for his views to be taken into account properly now?

She could apply for a non molestation order due to his intimidating and abusive behaviour. That would mean that the courts would not penalize her for withholding contact.

FortunesFave · 04/01/2022 22:56

@Gettingthere2022

Also I am not there when these things have happened and ex says some of those things didn’t happen and son basically having tantrum for not getting own way.

However I have seen ex behave this way and was able to stop/referee before we split up so basically manage the situation. I can’t do that anymore.

Son knows I am here for him and fully support him.

If he's a tween....then he is over ten and he has a say right now.

The government has made the commitment that from the age of 10, children and young people involved in all family court hearings in England and Wales will have access to judges to make their views and feelings known.

The announcement was made following calls from young peoples representative group, the Family Justice Young People’s Board, that for too long children have been pushed and pulled through the family justice system with little or no say on what happens to them.

Family Justice Minister Simon Hughes said:

Children and young people must by law have their views heard before decisions are made about their future, and where decisions are made that will impact them. At the moment, it is still too often that their views are not heard.

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