Maintaining NC after affair

[NC2022]

I'm mindful this is a very sensitive subject on MN but I would very much appreciate support from those who have been through this situation or any advice to help me maintain NC with my AP.
I am 30s, married, 1 dc. Marriage has been rocky mainly due to h's addiction issues (I'm not rewriting history, trying to keep this factual). We had DC very early in our relationship (together 10 years now) and I think on reflection, I went too far in trying to male things work for the sake of our child and trying to keep the family together. For context we are Muslim, and we've had a lot of pressure from both families to make things work. Over the years H has repeatedly let me down, going on drink/drug binges which happen a few times a year but often coincide with special occasions which tarnish things, and I think gradually I have emotionally disconnected from him due to the many promises he's made which we didn't keep. In between these times he is generally a good guy, hardworking, generous, kind to our ageing parents etc. A jekyll and Hyde character I guess.
I've known AP for years locally to say hi to. He too is married with dc, he is a little older than me but has younger kids. Without giving too much away, over covid we crossed paths a lot in our jobs (although we work in separate fields) and a friendship developed. Oldest story in the book I suppose. Prior to this I have never cheated in any way in my life. Anyone who knows me would be completely shocked if they knew about this.
Our friendship slowly became an emotional affair and eventually physical. This went on for 18 months in total, interspersed with numerous 'break ups' instigated by me, which always ended up in things starting up again. He has pursued me relentlessly each time I've 'called it off'. Selfish on his part but obviously my fault for going back each time.
I fell completely in love with AP, we are so compatible and he has really traits which I think deep down I have always wanted in a partner. He is mature, intelligent, very emotionally in tune, funny, attentive, doesnt drink or take drugs either...and my love for him outweighed the shame of what we were doing and I let it carry on.
In all honesty I would want to be with him but it isnt an option and obviously I don't want to break up a family (i know, I've already risked that) I believe wholeheartedly he loves me but he has made clear he is staying with his wife (says for the children, as I'm sure they all do).
I am determined that this stops now. I last spoke to him on NYE and I need to maintain this no contact and move fully forward. I can't keep going round in these circles, its torture emotionally and the guilt is horrendous. The way I feel about him I doubt I will ever feel again but he isn't mine and never will be.
H and I are separating which has needed to happen for a long time before my affair.
I need to not let myself slip back into the cycle with AP because I think he would let it go on forever.
Probably the oldest story in the book but our relationship has felt incredibly real
and my love for him overtook my usual moral compass.
I expect a flaming but any advice would really be appreciated as I can't discuss this with anyone IRL.

No advice, OP, just a word of support. We have all done stupid things. Just move on as constructively as you can.

Well you’ve answered your own questions, you know what to do.
This isn’t healthy. It’s not going to do your life any favours hankering over an unavailable man who can’t and won’t put you first, affairs are all very superficial. It mite feel like love, but there is nothing loving about it.
Take time to heal from your marriage, your affair and get to know yourself and what you want again without some chancer interfering with that.
No contact will make all of the above much easier for you.
In time you can meet someone you have a connection with, who you actually like and have a proper, healthy relationship with.
Nothing else to be done, stay away from him.

Thanks so much both.
I can't believe I gave myself 'permission' for what happened. He made me feel amazing, never felt a high like it in my life and felt connected to him on every level.
According to him he and his wife get along as friends and parents but no passion or physical relationship. I'll obviously never know the truth of that but he was certainly convincing. He will never leave her but would happily be carrying things on if I was willing. Says a lot about him really.

Wishing you all the best going forward with the end of your marriage. You should feel no shame in ending that - you've tried your up most to make it work.
Hopefully once everything is sorted you can meet your perfect man.

No judgement from me. People who have affairs are treated like the lowest of the low on here, but they’re just people who make mistakes and seek happiness/comfort in the wrong place. Life is very complicated and marriage is incredibly long.

I would advise that you basically fill your time & try not to be on your own. Hobbies, meeting family and friends. Try not to have too many empty hours where you can sit around thinking, at least not for the first few months. Record a video of yourself talking about why you’re ending it & play it back to yourself in moments of doubt. Try to fill the excitement/comfort void with a new goal - couch to 5k or similar (first thing that sprang to mind!).

But also look after yourself, buy yourself little treats & give your heart time to heal.

You can do this x

Thank you for the advice, will definitely do that with the video that's a good idea.
I am also hoping to use this thread as a sort of diary to organise my thoughts as I (hopefully) heal and move on from him.
It's still very raw at the moment but I feel I am starting to be able to unpick my feelings/intense love for the AP from the reality.
For example he said to me he never intended to hurt me and only wanted to make me happy. But, if youre telling a woman daily you love her, she is perfect, you never felt this way about anyone but her (including wife) and you can't imagine your life without her, you don't want your wife any more...
Surely its inevitable that said woman will be hurt when you don't want anything more than to have her on the side.
He has used me, and that is painful because it felt so incredibly real at the time.

No judgement from me op. You sound in pain, wish you all the best x

I’ll be blunt in case it helps you see reason.
He love bombed you to get his leg over and stroke his ego.
He lied to his wife and cheated on her so was probably lying to you too.
He didn’t care about his wife’s happiness or the happiness of his children, so why on earth would he care about your happiness. He’s already shown that he doesn’t.
He’s probably got another mistress lined up so doesn’t need you any more.

Block his number and try to get some dignity back.

Painful as hell. You need sheer determination and discipline to manage NC but it is really, truly, the only option.

Month 1, 2 and 3 will be torture. Expect it, see it coming and try and prepare yourself. It gets easier after that BUT every time you connect with AP, you start the healing clock all over again.

Tell him to stop messaging. Take control and then BLOCK.

If you dont block him then you know in your heart you are not serious about going NC. Leaving a little door open is a waste of energy

Be strong x

OP - it it helps you to think that the AP used you - it’s OK.
But in reality you both used each other. You both got something you didn’t get in your marriages.
Yours is a classic exit affair. It helped you make up your mind to leave a non-functioning marriage.
And with time - you can meet someone you’ll have deep feelings for.
You just need to get through separation and rebuild your life.

If is possible that AP feels deeply for you. But at the same time it is possible for him not to want to end his marriage. He is older, as you said. I am guessing with established ties to his community, friends and family. There are small kids and assets to divide. If he is also Muslim, it’s even more complicated with his family.

Love doesn’t concur all, not after we stop being teenagers and stop believing in romantic fantasies. He may love you and not want to dramatically change his life at this moment. In addition - it’s love for you Vs his kids happiness.

Difference between him and you is that he isn’t unhappy at home. Being friends rather than partners is OK for many people in a relationship.

You were unhappy - so you had to leave. It’s the right decision for you. Not for him, though.

Good luck with your divorce. And with rebuilding your life.