Problematic Mother

[buntybanana]

Recently I've become quite upset over my sour relationship with my mother. I wonder if anyone else has been in a similar situation and/or has any advice.

After spending this Christmas season with my inlaws for the first time I truly realised how healthy and loving family dynamics can actually be. My MIL is gentle, respectful and loving to her children and their spouses (including me). It was refreshing and I felt listened to and valued. We arrived home, unfortunately tested positive for covid and of course now have to isolate. My family lives nearby and I've just realised the striking difference between them and my inlaws.

My mother has huffed and puffed at the prospect of delivering food or medicine to us (15 min drive), phoned me to tell me she refuses to "help me ever again" because the got stuck in a traffic jam on her way to deliver some food and was furious (after said huffing and puffing), and hasn't texted or called to ask how we are apart from the above phone call. She isn't busy or scared of Covid (of course we only asked for food dropped at the door, which I transferred her money for).

Our relationship hasn't been good since my teenage years, when I had a horrible high school experience and became withdrawn and badly behaved because she didn't listen to me, help me or move me to another school. When I try to talk about our problems to address them, she shuts me down instantly and says there's nothing wrong and I'm being silly, childish & emotional. She says she'll ALWAYS know better than me because she's the parent and I'm in the child (I'm 28). She used to pray in front of me about what she did to deserve such a daughter because I was so badly behaved, and once told me she wished she hadn't ever had children. Looking back, I did used to scream at her because she wouldn't listen to how unhappy I was. Sometimes I even threw things. I admit that this loss of control was wrong, but admittedly I was 14 years old. Now I'm happily married with a good career, TTC and have worked through some emotional issues but I just wish that one day we could have a good relationship.

It feels good to rant about this because the thing is, to the outside world she seems like a shining pillar of the community, so kind and helpful to everyone else and she genuinely does go out of her way for strangers. I tried talking to friends about how bad our relationship is and was pretty much shut down because - and I quote - "she might just be the kindest woman I've ever met". It's so frustrating that no one else but me and DH / close family see the real her. Sometimes I question my own reality. Now I am absolutely not innocent in this situation and I rise to her insults and dismissive comments much more than I should, which causes more arguments.

So sorry for the long post!! Does anyone else have a similar problem?

I would have a look at and or post also on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward could also be helpful to you.

It's not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way either. That is all on her own parents, she is likely repeating with you what they did to her in childhood. It's still however, no excuse or justification for what she has done to you. Many abusive people are also quite plausible to those in the outside world, to an abuser image to others is all important. Some so called "pillars of the community" also are really anything but, your mother being a prime example. You do not mention your father so I am wondering if he is in your life at all now.

You have two qualities your mother lacks; empathy and insight.
What you want i.e. a good relationship with your mother is unlikely to ever happen sadly because she is not built that way. Relationships are also two way; she does not want to admit to and cannot admit any wrong doing here re yourself. Such people really do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Ultimately you need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

I would also keep any children you go onto have well away from your mother. It's also when you become a parent too that these valid feelings you have, perhaps long since buried, further rise to the surface. If she is too toxic/difficult or otherwise too bloody mad batshit for YOU to deal with, it will be the same deal for your child too. Concentrate your finite energies on people like your DH and your DHs family who appear to be far more emotionally healthy. Deal with any and all fear, obligation and guilt you have through therapy with someone like a BACP registered therapist.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. Sometimes I do worry it's my own fault and it's refreshing to hear the opinion of someone outside the situation. You're right in that she has never and probably will never admit any wrongdoing whatsoever.

I've been wondering which approach to take with her when we have children, and hadn't considered that further feelings may rise to the surface - this is a very valid point. I wouldn't want her damaging them too. My father is in my life luckily, but he stays in the background when they're around us as he doesn't want to upset her or spark any further conflict. I guess he's an enabler, but he's a very kind man who helps us as much as he can. Unfortunately his loyalty to my mother means we aren't as close as we might be, although I love him very much.

Its not you, its them. Its not your fault and you were but a child at the time. Both should have done better by you.

Ultimately you will need to keep your children well away from your parents (I am so sorry to write that but your mother is not emotionally healthy enough to be around and nor for that matter is your dad). Your mother is the driving force and your dad falls into line with her as both her willing enabler and bystander.

Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all and so need a willing enabler to help them; that person here is your dad. I would not let him off the hook here as he has really also failed you as a parent. This is because he has not protected you from her malign influences. He is truly a weak man who has and will continue to throw you under the bus. Given a choice between his wife and you he would likely choose her, saying something like, "don't you criticise my choice of wife". He worships at her altar and expects you to do the same. At the very least you need to keep your distance from him as well and tell him nothing personal about your own life now.