Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

End of casual relationship after a year

21 replies

Purple122 · 04/01/2022 08:47

Hi, just a bit of support & advice needed please or if anyone’s been through a similar thing. Was casually seeing a man for a year, on and off. He pretty much said from the start he didn’t want serious. I didn’t to start with but then I developed feelings. I should have ended it then.. He suggested we break up after a few months, as he guessed I had feelings so we did, for a month. Then he contacted me and it started up again. A few times there were warning signs when took ages to reply to messages etc but it kept going, as when we were together it was great. It was so relaxed & we could talk about anything. The last time I saw him we had a great evening but then he went quiet for a month! He then apologised & said he thought I needed more etc. We were going to meet for coffee & chat, then he went quiet again. Know I should be glad to have the chance to just move on from this but wish I’d at least got some kind of closure.. Should I have expected this?

OP posts:
MizzFizz · 04/01/2022 08:50

He's not that into you... Stop letting him walk all over you... Block him and move on.

HoneyRose87 · 04/01/2022 08:54

Stop allowing him to use you, he’s playing with your emotions. He made it clear he didn’t want anything serious, so when you started getting feelings for him you should have stopped contact. Now is the time to put a stop to the contact.

Pegasussnail · 04/01/2022 08:55

He sounds horrible.

Original poster
Purple122 · 04/01/2022 08:56

I suppose the arrangement was fine for him but after both of us getting to know each other pretty well over a year. Just finding it a bit tough that contact is suddenly cut without a discussion. The fact he came back a few times probably made it all worse..

OP posts:
Original poster
Purple122 · 04/01/2022 08:58

Thanks Pegussnail- it helps to hear that it’s him who in the wrong. It’s made me feel I was being unreasonable at times..

OP posts:
Pegasussnail · 04/01/2022 08:59

He's arrogant and not that special.

Teeturtle · 04/01/2022 09:12

Well yes you should have expected this. Confused

You know what you need to do, cut contact. Maybe assess whether casual relationships are really your thing, I know they are not for me.

B1rdflyinghigh · 04/01/2022 13:28

@Purple122

I suppose the arrangement was fine for him but after both of us getting to know each other pretty well over a year. Just finding it a bit tough that contact is suddenly cut without a discussion. The fact he came back a few times probably made it all worse..
This was a casual relationship. The stall was set out at the very beginning. However, sometimes, like you've found, feelings can develop.

He came back a few times because you allowed him to. I have previously made this mistake too. The key is learning from it. What is actually best for you?

CrimbleCrumble1 · 04/01/2022 13:31

Put it down to experience and move on. Block
Him so he can’t start trying to see you again in a month or so time if he’s at a lose end.

RedCandyApple · 04/01/2022 13:35

This is why I don’t do causal/ fwb, most times someone ends up wanting more (usually the woman)

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2022 13:37

Should I have expected this?

Of course you should have. He was clear from the start that he did not want to relationship with you. He wanted an easy shag, and unfortunately, you allowed him to use you. Learn from this and move on.

Bowwowwowoh · 04/01/2022 13:42

Always expect the unexpected! Although in your case, it was expected because he made it clear from the start he didn't want anything serious.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 13:48

I think too often when we like someone we don't listen to their words, we project subtext and meaning onto them. He said he didn't want a relationship from day one. He was upfront about that, it sounds like. When I was dating, I was looking for a relationship so if someone said that I wouldn't have kept seeing them. Hopefully now you can move on and meet someone else.

Original poster
Purple122 · 04/01/2022 14:24

Thanks all. Yes, looking back I should have got out much sooner. The thing is we never really discussed terms, which was a mistake. I feel like casual would only work for me for a month or two any longer and I naturally develop feelings if I like them. I just thought that after a year he might have at least spoken to me in person.. Oh well it’s definitely something to learn from!

OP posts:
Sonaftersonafterson · 04/01/2022 14:28

I had the same thing with a guy for 18 head fucking months. I was in limerance so allowed him back again and again and again... even after weeks or months of silence. Every time, I'd reply.

Takes a while to snap out of it. For me, it's only recent and although foolishly I do still reply to his random messages, I no longer feel the same about him so dont really give a shit anymore.

He is showing you who he is and what he thinks of you. See that. And move on Flowers

Original poster
Purple122 · 04/01/2022 14:33

Thanks Sonaftersonafterson- sorry you had to go through that too! Good to know it gets better though.. Know I’ll move on. Just hard not to miss them..

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 04/01/2022 14:37

sounds like casual relationships aren’t for you if you always develop feelings, why did you go along with it was you hoping he would change his mind?

MsGrumpytrousers · 04/01/2022 14:45

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I think too often when we like someone we don't listen to their words, we project subtext and meaning onto them. He said he didn't want a relationship from day one. He was upfront about that, it sounds like. When I was dating, I was looking for a relationship so if someone said that I wouldn't have kept seeing them. Hopefully now you can move on and meet someone else.
But they had a relationship. They were meeting, they were friends; presumably they were sleeping together. What he didn't want was a long-term or committed relationship.

I think he sounds like a wanker, personally.

Original poster
Purple122 · 04/01/2022 14:57

Initially he actually said he didn’t want to rush into anything etc but ultimately was looking for a relationship which is honestly where I was at the beginning. Then a few months later he asked if we should carry on as he still only wanted casual. I suppose I hoped it might develop. Was never sure if casual meant the other person might just suddenly end things at anytime or if it meant not getting really serious..

OP posts:
Lookingoutside · 04/01/2022 14:58

It has happened to the best of us OP. Know that there’s nothing wrong with you, let it hurt and don’t wait too long to start dating other people.

Block him so he can’t drift back and remember how it feels now if you meet another one like him and you want a relationship. Then you can act quickly and get rid.

Also

‘Of course you should have. He was clear from the start that he did not want to relationship with you. He wanted an easy shag, and unfortunately, you allowed him to use you.’

Ignore nasty, misogynistic, toxic nonsense like this. He spent time with you because he liked it and liked you. He just doesn’t know how to conduct a casual relationship with warmth and respect.

Big hugs to you and be good to yourself x

Original poster
Purple122 · 04/01/2022 18:50

Thanks all for the advice 🙂 I’m going try not to dwell on it and ensure I don’t make the same mistake again!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page