Divorce?

[jmj90]

This is a really difficult situation for me so please only comment if you are willing to be kind/compassionate.

I found out in January 2021 that my husband (we had been married 1 month and I was 12 weeks pregnant with our first child) that my husband had been lying to me and hiding things from me.

I went downstairs one evening, to find him masterbating, of course this in itself is not the issue as I know it's perfectly normal for guys to do. However I heard him talking to someone.. turns out for months on end he has been on webcams to other women, daily. He "came clean" after I pressed him for information claiming he had an addiction to pornography. I was typical me in the respect that I "understood" and agreed to support him through recovery.

The same evening I had noticed he had been messaging a girl, who I knew to be 17... I questioned this and he told me they were just friends... but he had deleted all of their conversations. We went to bed that evening, on the promise of "him wanting to change".. but my intuition was still niggling at me, so who's the was asleep I checked his phone, I noticed he had recently deleted Snapchat, so I redownloaded it. It was here I found an entire account full of women (pornstars I assume because they were all posting sexual content on their stories etc) as well as this 17yr old girl. The last message he had sent to her was visible and it was sexual in nature, she hadn't replied.

I confronted him, he "came clean" again and then broke down saying he was at his lowest and regretted everything etc.

If I hadn't just married him and was pregnant I would have left him there and then; but I was so determined to make things work I agreed to give things a try.

A year has now gone by, he swears he's off the porn and has come off all social media etc but I can't see him the same way I used to. I can't trust him and I don't believe that someone who is capable of such lies is able to truly change if I'm honest. We have tried to make things work, he has said how much he loves me and our son and how much he doesn't want to lose us, but I cannot seem to move past everything that he has done.

I have recently asked him to move out and we have separated so that I can figure out what I want, but I feel so stuck. I'm scared of being alone, being a single mum and saddened at the idea of losing him, but at the same time he broke my heart and disrespected me in so many ways that the other part of me wants to run a mile from him.

It's like I'm holding on to the hope and idea that he could change/could be different, but can someone who is capable of lying and hiding all of that for months on end really change?

I'm scared because we have only been married 1 year and we have a 5 month old and this has already happened to us. I feel so broken and worthless, the only thing keeping me going is my little boy because he is everything to me.

I just don't know what to do, one minute I think about trying to make things work, then the next I want to leave him but can't bare the idea.

Please help :(

I would divorce him as soon as humanly possible. You will never, ever be able to trust this man. Don't waste another day on him because he doesn't deserve you.

Oh I would be heartbroken and furious and equally baffled by such horrible behaviour.
What a lying, cheating toe-rag of a man.

With such a young baby it is only natural to wish you could reconcile and be with the man you thought you married. You are grieving for the life you thought you were going to have, with a man who was supposed to love you and honour his wedding vows. He did neither of those things. It is all very well to repent now but it doesnt change the facts.

I believe people are capable of change, but that doesnt mean you need to sacrifice yourself by sticking around in the hope he is genuinely committed to change and will keep his new promise. Sure, now he makes the effort. But in a year? Two? Five?

Personally I would not try to make this relationship work, I would cut my losses now. Just because you are a single parent now, doesnt mean you will be forever.

If you decide to separate permanently don't let him change the narrative, which he may try to do. Don't let him make you feel guilty about access to his child, the failure of the marriage. He is an adult, he could have anticipated this outcome when he married his pregnant fiance. He is obviously a practised liar if he was cheating on you via online porn during your early relationship when he was supposed to be in love with you, and the fact he is capable of doing something so hurtful to you without considering the unfairness of pretending to be something he is not, shows he is capable of who-knows-what level of deceit and manipulation.

I'm so sorry you married such a deadbeat liar, good luck x

I think you need to run! This man has been messaging a 17 year old girl and the messages are sexual in nature. That is very young and I would be worried he has looked at or messaged underage girls. Completely unacceptable and disgusting!
He is also addicted to porn. There is no fixing this. Get out while you can. Don't waste your time trying to change his behaviour.
He will promise the world to make you stay but I would gather as much evidence as possible and throw him out!

Oh OP I really feel for you, what a horrible situation to be in. Have you got any trusted family or friends near by? If you have stopped loving him, then there really is no alternative to leaving him. If you don't think that you could ever trust him again then staying with him would be a nightmare for both you and your child.

But I really think that some Real Life support would be invaluble for you, so if you have someone in RL that you can confide in then please do - but also continue to come here for advice and support OP as there are some very wise women on here (sorry I am not one of them!) Take care OP, and it might not mean much, or even anything at all, but you have my admiration for giving it a year to try and make the marriage work. 💐

I really feel for your situation, but if you stay in this relationship you will be forever looking over your shoulder, the trust is shattered. Don’t put yourself through this torment, what is best for you…is what’s is best for your son. Sending hugs 🤗

Thank you so much everyone for such kind comments. I was fearful of being judged on here as I know it can be a catty environment at times, so your gentle but honest replies are so appreciated.

I'm such a mess at the moment that I almost need reassurance that what I am doing (leaving him) is right (sounds ridiculous I am sure!)

I have a great support network around me, thank you for checking. My mum and Nan are currently sleeping on my couch! (Only kicked husband out today believe it or not after yet another row about how he wasn't reaching my expectations). I also have a small group of close friends who, whilst living far away, are all there for me. Similarly I started seeing a counsellor this year to help with everything, because I was struggling and my next session with her is Thursday so that will hopefully help.

I just wanted everything to work. It's like I am grieving the death of someone. I never had my parents together growing up, and I always wanted that for my child but I think you're right that I'm still hanging onto the idea of what I thought it was and who I thought he was tbh. He has had a year to prove himself, and whilst some areas have improved, I still constantly feel like I have to "instruct" him on how to be in a relationship.

I would never stop him from seeing his son, and for his sake I will remain polite and amicable, but I have told him at such a young age he will not be able to have our little one alone (as I literally do everything for our son anyway). I've always done all of the nights, sorted his routine, know when he is hungry/tired etc and I don't think my husband would have a clue. So I've told him until our son is old enough to communicate, that time alone with him will not be happening, but that I am open to him seeing him still etc. He has so far said he understands that... part of me wishes he would just go and not want anything to do with us as I feel it would be easier.

We currently own a house together (mortgage) and I don't know what happens in regards to this? I cannot afford to stay here alone if I solely have to manage the bills (especially still being on mat pay for another 7 months) but I wouldn't be able to afford anywhere if we sold either. Does the father have to help cover living costs in the event of a divorce if two people have a child? Any help here would be appreciated.

Thank you all again for your compassion.

Many thanks for your update jmj90, I am so glad and relieved that you have such a
strong support network around you.

Unfortunately, as my divorce was over 30 years ago, I have no idea what financial support you are eligible for. When my ex left me for someone else I was a stay at home mum, but the interest only mortgage and deeds were in both our names.

My ex stopped giving me any money until we had a court order, and in the meantime the D(H)SS paid the interest on the mortgage. If I had stayed in that house and not got married again, the DSS would have contiued to pay the interest on the house until my youngest was 18 - I got married again 4 years after my ex left.. But like I said that could all be very different in todays world. I think that the CAB might be able to give you up to date advice.

I hope that 2022 is a year of new and much happier beginnings jmj, you and your LO deserve so much more, and I have every faith that you have the strength and resolve to achieve all you wish to xx

Thanks @TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek for all the advice.

I'm hoping he will be amicable through it all for the sake of our son. Dreading the whole process.

I've also never been good with not being in a relationship, but I've no interest in meeting anyone else for a very long time, but the prospect of being alone is so scary for me 😣

Oh OP sending you lots of care.
I was in a similar situation facing being a single mum to a 3 month old after my husband's betrayal.
I must tell you that even though it will feel scary, daunting, impossible even it's crucial you stand up for yourself and your child in knowing you deserve so so much better and move on.
Good to hear you have a support system please pull upon them for any and everything and if they love you they will be out judge but respect you for knowing your worth.
Speak to a solicitor, most do free 30 Mon chats, about the house. In my situation my husband pays me child maintenance which covers a bit of the mortgage and bills. Also apply for child maintenance from Gov and see if you are entitled to universal credit. Take all the help you can get whilst you work out a long term plan.

It's cliche but so true time is a healer. I remember sobbing wondering when will this pain ever end whilst husband begged me for a second chance but nearly a year on now I'm so proud of myself for kicking his ass to the curb.

Your a mother now, your strength is undeniable, and your child will get you through it !

Message if you like :) take care !

Sorry typos ;
Not judge
Free 30 mins

Men like this never ever change OP. Once a liar and a sleaze always a liar and a sleep. Its not you its him. His fault. You don't have to put up with it.

@ChippingWindMills Thank you for your offer to talk, I'm not sure how to message you? Xx

@jmj90

This is a really difficult situation for me so please only comment if you are willing to be kind/compassionate.

I found out in January 2021 that my husband (we had been married 1 month and I was 12 weeks pregnant with our first child) that my husband had been lying to me and hiding things from me.

I went downstairs one evening, to find him masterbating, of course this in itself is not the issue as I know it's perfectly normal for guys to do. However I heard him talking to someone.. turns out for months on end he has been on webcams to other women, daily. He "came clean" after I pressed him for information claiming he had an addiction to pornography. I was typical me in the respect that I "understood" and agreed to support him through recovery.

The same evening I had noticed he had been messaging a girl, who I knew to be 17... I questioned this and he told me they were just friends... but he had deleted all of their conversations. We went to bed that evening, on the promise of "him wanting to change".. but my intuition was still niggling at me, so who's the was asleep I checked his phone, I noticed he had recently deleted Snapchat, so I redownloaded it. It was here I found an entire account full of women (pornstars I assume because they were all posting sexual content on their stories etc) as well as this 17yr old girl. The last message he had sent to her was visible and it was sexual in nature, she hadn't replied.

I confronted him, he "came clean" again and then broke down saying he was at his lowest and regretted everything etc.

If I hadn't just married him and was pregnant I would have left him there and then; but I was so determined to make things work I agreed to give things a try.

A year has now gone by, he swears he's off the porn and has come off all social media etc but I can't see him the same way I used to. I can't trust him and I don't believe that someone who is capable of such lies is able to truly change if I'm honest. We have tried to make things work, he has said how much he loves me and our son and how much he doesn't want to lose us, but I cannot seem to move past everything that he has done.

I have recently asked him to move out and we have separated so that I can figure out what I want, but I feel so stuck. I'm scared of being alone, being a single mum and saddened at the idea of losing him, but at the same time he broke my heart and disrespected me in so many ways that the other part of me wants to run a mile from him.

It's like I'm holding on to the hope and idea that he could change/could be different, but can someone who is capable of lying and hiding all of that for months on end really change?

I'm scared because we have only been married 1 year and we have a 5 month old and this has already happened to us. I feel so broken and worthless, the only thing keeping me going is my little boy because he is everything to me.

I just don't know what to do, one minute I think about trying to make things work, then the next I want to leave him but can't bare the idea.

Please help :(

It's so easy to say run, don't stay with him, so what it's only a year of marriage and it's what I want to say but it's also so difficult to believe that the man you married could betray you like this.

Only you know what is for the best. Asking him to leave for a while might be a good thing for you both. He may not stop doing what he Is doing and that will cement it for you. Equally he may be on his knees begging and showing you he'll be different.

Just do you for now. Take one day at a time and see how you feel in a week x

So to top off events, my DH sister has now removed me from all family group chats and blocked me on Instagram... so he's clearly telling his family a bunch of lies and blaming me for the relationship break down.

I know I shouldn't let her affect me, but it's so unfair that may name is being dragged through the mud when I've only ever been loyal, honest and faithful to him. Why does life have to be so shit? :(

jmj90, I completely understand your fear of not being in a relationship. I got married for the first time whilst I was still a teenager, and married straight from living at home with my parents. My ex left me for someone else about a decade later (I am trying to not be too outing here as I think it is very likely that 2 or 3 women I know are also on mumsnet - one being the person he left me for), but because I had made a call for help (I took an overdose) during the initial period of him keeping on changing his mind about whether to leave me or not, a very close relative moved in to help me with my children until I got married for the second time). I am eternally grateful to that person, it enabled me to enjoy a lot of my time between partners, but on the negative side it means I have never lived either totally on my own, or just with my DC, so the thought of ever being alone now absolutely terrifies me!

I am sure that you will cope brilliantly as you have such wonderful support, and because you already sound like such a strong, kind and sensible person. You probably don't feel particularly strong at the moment, but you are, your kindness and strength shine through and you are not letting your fear stop you from taking the right actions. As for friends, or his family, who are nasty towards you eg. blocking you on social media etc, you already know that you are better off without them. I soon found out who my real friends were, and even now, all these years later, there are two of them who I would give a large share of any lottery win to, and sadly one of those I lost touch with, but I would try once again to find her if I did have a big win!

Unfortunately life can be very shit at times, and maybe sometimes we need a bit of shit to help us recognise how good it is at other times, and sometimes we need a little bit of it to spur us on to look for improvementsI in our lives? I'm sending you a big hug jmj, and hopefuly a lot of positive energy xx

Speaking as someone who's just wasted 18 years married to someone I should have left way back when, please do leave him and find a decent man. You don't want to be worrying about whether or not he's really changed: imagine how you'll feel if you give him another chance, and then find out in a year or two that he's just the same? Strong chance he won't change. Best to leave now, while your baby is small and you can manage the situation on your own. You shouldn't have to wait around for him to grow up. Find a nice guy who's happy to have you and your baby. Good luck!

It's a million times harder trying to make a life with someone you don't trust than it is to learn to live on your own OP, honestly it is. Change is always scary, but it's only ever a bad thing when what you already have is perfect, and this man is a long, long way from that. What you're facing feels terrifying but from an outsiders perspective the life you would end up living if you stayed with him looks scarier still, never being able to trust the man who's supposed to love you would destroy your self esteem/respect and quite possibly your MH.

The coming weeks and months will be tough, but there will come a point where it's over and you can start to heal and settle in to your new life, I think you'll be surprised by how quickly that happens. If you stay will it ever be over? Will you ever be able to fully relax and trust him? And, realistically, can he keep it up long term? If he has an 'addiction' has he really done enough to fully fix it, sought proper support, counselling etc? Staying seems like a life sentence to me, you stand a far better chance of being happy without him

@TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek

jmj90, I completely understand your fear of not being in a relationship. I got married for the first time whilst I was still a teenager, and married straight from living at home with my parents. My ex left me for someone else about a decade later (I am trying to not be too outing here as I think it is very likely that 2 or 3 women I know are also on mumsnet - one being the person he left me for), but because I had made a call for help (I took an overdose) during the initial period of him keeping on changing his mind about whether to leave me or not, a very close relative moved in to help me with my children until I got married for the second time). I am eternally grateful to that person, it enabled me to enjoy a lot of my time between partners, but on the negative side it means I have never lived either totally on my own, or just with my DC, so the thought of ever being alone now absolutely terrifies me!

I am sure that you will cope brilliantly as you have such wonderful support, and because you already sound like such a strong, kind and sensible person. You probably don't feel particularly strong at the moment, but you are, your kindness and strength shine through and you are not letting your fear stop you from taking the right actions. As for friends, or his family, who are nasty towards you eg. blocking you on social media etc, you already know that you are better off without them. I soon found out who my real friends were, and even now, all these years later, there are two of them who I would give a large share of any lottery win to, and sadly one of those I lost touch with, but I would try once again to find her if I did have a big win!

Unfortunately life can be very shit at times, and maybe sometimes we need a bit of shit to help us recognise how good it is at other times, and sometimes we need a little bit of it to spur us on to look for improvementsI in our lives? I'm sending you a big hug jmj, and hopefuly a lot of positive energy xx

Thank you so much for such kind words ❤️

Today has been a tough day, I've been ebbing and flowing between being certain he isn't coming back into my life then switching to "I want him back". It's a bloody rollercoaster of emotions.

He hasn't even had the decency to message today to simply ask how his son is, I have a feeling he has gone somewhere tonight, out with a friend or something. My intuition is normally good with this sort of thing. I'm just feeling so hurt, so alone and so unworthy of love at the moment all whilst trying to keep myself going for the sake of my LO.

I've always wanted more than one child, and I'm scared that I'm never going to meet anyone else and have more children.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and support, they genuinely mean so much xx

@Needyourhelp123

Speaking as someone who's just wasted 18 years married to someone I should have left way back when, please do leave him and find a decent man. You don't want to be worrying about whether or not he's really changed: imagine how you'll feel if you give him another chance, and then find out in a year or two that he's just the same? Strong chance he won't change. Best to leave now, while your baby is small and you can manage the situation on your own. You shouldn't have to wait around for him to grow up. Find a nice guy who's happy to have you and your baby. Good luck!

I'm so sorry you have had to go through this, it must be so so hard for you. Sending so much love and light your way.

Thank you for the advice, it's exactly what my mum keeps saying to me as well. Xx

@IcicleIcicle

It's a million times harder trying to make a life with someone you don't trust than it is to learn to live on your own OP, honestly it is. Change is always scary, but it's only ever a bad thing when what you already have is perfect, and this man is a long, long way from that. What you're facing feels terrifying but from an outsiders perspective the life you would end up living if you stayed with him looks scarier still, never being able to trust the man who's supposed to love you would destroy your self esteem/respect and quite possibly your MH.

The coming weeks and months will be tough, but there will come a point where it's over and you can start to heal and settle in to your new life, I think you'll be surprised by how quickly that happens. If you stay will it ever be over? Will you ever be able to fully relax and trust him? And, realistically, can he keep it up long term? If he has an 'addiction' has he really done enough to fully fix it, sought proper support, counselling etc? Staying seems like a life sentence to me, you stand a far better chance of being happy without him

You are right, and deep down I have known all of this for the last year but I just kept soldiering in through for the sake of trying to keep our family together.

I know that the right step is the hardest, and it frightens me that I'm stepping into the unknown. But I can't spend my life with a man who I know is capable of such deceit, because truth is I will never fully know if he is telling the truth. Xx

Sorry to keep updating everyone, I just need to vent on here.

So today I have heard nothing from him, not even a text to see how his son is.

I have a feeling he has gone out tonight, no evidence to support this just a intuitive feeling as I know he has tomorrow off of work. If it's possible I feel even more low and worthless, because in my head he is likely out meeting other women and enjoying his new "single" life, not giving a thought about me. I know I shouldn't feel surprised if he is doing these things, but part of me still hopes he will come running back and realise what he's losing... stupid really.

Just when I feel like he can't hurt me any more. I'm just lying here in bed, mind racing, with my dear little boy next to me and wishing my husband would just say "goodbye" to both of us and leave our life for good. Instead I've got a lifetime of trying to be friendly and amicable with this man, for the sake of my little boy, when all I feel is anger and pain.

I feel so unbelievably low, the path ahead of me just feels bleak, if it wasn't for my baby boy I don't think I would bother to exist anymore. I've spent my life in emotionally abusive relationships, all of which have ended in infidelity on their part. It's like history is repeating itself, accept this time I can't just sink into a black hole, because I have to be here for my son xx

Oh OP I remember those feelings all too well. They are 100% valid and they will continue to swirl in your mind. You have to start accepting that you may never get the truth or remorse you deserve and letting go of those wants is very freeing.
You will start to see people's true colours of which will be both disappointing and surprising. Friends will step up like you never imagined so don't be afraid to reach out.

I know your still feeling in limbo but I do reccomend reading 'leave a cheater gain a life' or watch Esther Perel on you tube. Both give an incredible insight and perspective into the psychology and can help you process their behaviour.

Your right, the little ones absolutely get you through it, and just remember how proud they'll be when you tell them what mummy overcame to give them the best life possible. It will be inspiring to them. Remember you aren't to be defined by this it's your choice to rise above it.
Take care x

@ChippingWindMills

Oh OP I remember those feelings all too well. They are 100% valid and they will continue to swirl in your mind. You have to start accepting that you may never get the truth or remorse you deserve and letting go of those wants is very freeing. You will start to see people's true colours of which will be both disappointing and surprising. Friends will step up like you never imagined so don't be afraid to reach out.

I know your still feeling in limbo but I do reccomend reading 'leave a cheater gain a life' or watch Esther Perel on you tube. Both give an incredible insight and perspective into the psychology and can help you process their behaviour.

Your right, the little ones absolutely get you through it, and just remember how proud they'll be when you tell them what mummy overcame to give them the best life possible. It will be inspiring to them. Remember you aren't to be defined by this it's your choice to rise above it.
Take care x

Thank you for the recommendation I will give both a go.

Your words are so inspirational and a positive light in my life right now. xx