New guy works with his ex - would it put you off

[AbNormalPeeps]

I've been online dating for a while and just agreed to a 3rd date. Comes across as a nice guy and he's gorgeous!

Now I may be hugely overthinking this but he told me that his last relationship ended in spring this year and that he still works with his ex (not married, no kids, just lived together). Apparently they ended on amicable terms and his only request when she got with someone else they work with is that she picks a good guy. She is now in a relationship with someone they both work with.

They work in a young offenders institution and apparently (according to him) their work culture is very gossipy and seems like everyone is really involved in everyone's lives.

Would this put you off, dating a guy who works in such close quarters with his ex?

How does it make you feel?

They work in a young offenders institution and apparently (according to him) their work culture is very gossipy and seems like everyone is really involved in everyone's lives.

It's a very tough environment and strong partnerships and bonds are formed between staff. Personally if I was looking for a long term monogamous relationship I'd look elsewhere.

No of course not, you have to have some trust in people, she's moved on and he is trying to. If you don't have a good feeling about him then leave it but for that reason alone I wouldn't worry.

Are they still friends outside of work and/ or they socialise together a lot through work?

I mean, it feels quite close to home, but on the other hand she has moved on and a YOI is usually quite a big place, not like working in the same tiny shop or office so they may not spend all day every day together. I also think that if a couple live and work together then a split is more likely to be final and thought through than if they'd had a quick fling.

For me it would depend how much time they voluntarily spend together. If they split amicably enough that neither had to change jobs then i suppose fair enough, but if they're still in touch regularly, texting or whatever, outside work too that would be a bit much for me.

This situation wouldn't have me over the moon, I would be concerned it's a work culture like the police force where they are all shagging each other/unfaithful, but after only 2 dates and everything else was good I'd continue to date them and see how it goes.

@AnotherSillawithanS I'm not sure how I feel about it to be honest, maybe because I'm not invested enough yet. The only niggle is my last relationship felt like a lot of drama and hard work (for different reasons) and I really want something as straightforward as possible this time round so this did make me pause.

I don't know if they still socialise outside work, he didn't mention they did. I think it's a good sign that he mentioned they work together upfront though.

@RoseSays Yes I actually said that exact thing to him about it sounds like the police! Can't remember what he said though annoyingly!

I'd rather an amicable ex (who has a new partner) than a psycho one!

Don't make it a problem until it is a problem. You've only had a few dates with him: he might turn out to be undesirable to you in some other way. Or he might turn out to be too enmeshed with an ex. Thing is, if you enjoy his company now, you might as well keep on enjoying it till it stops being enjoyable, then bin and move on.

There are no rules. Asking whether MN thinks this is a problem feels a bit like you're looking for the 'right' or 'normal' view, but why does it matter to you what other people think? We can't see the nuances in the way he talks about her, or their relationship, and even if we did, we can't understand how you feel better than you can.

The only rules here are your feelings. If you don't like it, tell him, and see if his response makes you feel better. You can't 'control' your feelings, only your response to them, so they all need to be respected, and their messages heard.