How do you know if you love your partner?

[Cabbagesoup4]

I’m questioning my ability to recognise / understand my own emotions in relation to interpersonal relationships, particularly romantic relationships.

How do you know if you love your partner?

Any questions I can ask myself to help me think this through?

It’s an interesting question.
My DH of 25+ years drives me mad.
He irritates me, frustrates me and we have very few interests in common.

I’ve often wondered if I love him and whether it is just habit and laziness that keeps us together.

The truth is, we fit together. I don’t have to be anything other than myself with him. We look out for each other.

I don’t feel suffocated or put upon. I can be who I want to be. I often look at him and think ‘I really like you!’

I wouldn’t say we are ‘in love’ but I definitely love him.

Sorry if that doesn’t make much sense!

To me, it’s when I’m hurt if they’re hurt. They’re best interests are within my own best interests. The thought of being without them physically hurts if I think about it too much.

Thanks @NinaDefoe , yes, I suppose I’m questioning whether we are together for convenience or something more. He has plenty of good qualities that I can list objectively, but I often feel quite ambivalent. I’m wondering if that is due to the relationship, or just my own mood and mind.

Thank you @FabriqueBelgique , I don’t recognise that intensity of emotion in myself. I would be concerned for him and try to be supportive if he were hurt, but I don’t think that I would say that it hurt me. I am also quite happy in my own company, but again I suspect this is more of a reflection of me than of the relationship.

We've always, always got each other's backs.

Thanks @NinaDefoe , yes, I suppose I’m questioning whether we are together for convenience or something more. He has plenty of good qualities that I can list objectively, but I often feel quite ambivalent. I’m wondering if that is due to the relationship, or just my own mood and mind

It’s interesting isn’t it. Do you feel indifferent towards him? Is your mood, happiness be better or worse when you are not with him?
How do you think you’d feel if you were no longer with him?

Stop questioning yourself.

I’m wondering if that is due to the relationship, or just my own mood and mind

Why does it matter? You feel the way you feel. Accept that.

There's no 'right' way to feel about him, or about the relationship, any more than there's a 'right' way to feel about any particular food or fashion. You wouldn't be trying to work out if your hatred of raspberries was a problem with raspberries or a problem with you; you just accept it, it's how is, and there's very little you can do about it. You wouldn't question your mood and mind if you didn't happen to enjoy the latest James Bond film; it's just how you are, it's a preference, and you'd accept that, even if a massive majority felt differently to you.

Your feelings are what they are. They're not under your control (otherwise people would be able to choose who to fall in love with, and the world would be a very different place) and all you can do is respect them. If you're getting enough enjoyment out of the relationship to stay, then stay. If you're posting on forums about it, you're questioning, and so it's probably not that fulfilling for you. So you could choose to do something else that would make you happier, instead.

But don't question yourself. Your feelings are your heart, and to query it is to disrespect it. Listen to it, and respond appropriately. Don't dismiss it.

@TheFoundation but with raspberries I would always have the option to go back and try them again at a later date, they are not offended, or hurt, and no one else is impacted by my feelings or actions. Potentially walking out of a fairly decent relationship because I’m feeling a bit low and detached is much more complicated. What if this is just an emotional blip and I decide at a later date that he’s the most fabulous person in the world? The damage would be done by then and it would be too late. I need to understand my own mind before making any rash decisions.

@NinaDefoe we have some nice times together, and some more tense / stressful times. Mostly we co-exist inside busy family life. We just sort of plod along, but perhaps that’s normal after many years together.

What if this is just an emotional blip and I decide at a later date that he’s the most fabulous person in the world? The damage would be done by then and it would be too late. I need to understand my own mind before making any rash decisions

You need to accept what your heart is telling you. The message is clear, but you don't want to see it. You know you love your partner because you know. It's that simple. If you're asking the question, then the relationship isn't meeting your needs. All this self questioning and wondering what might happen to your feelings in the future is your obfuscation so that you don't have to face the truth.

People in healthy loving relationships aren't posting 'What is love?' on MN, because they're too busy enjoying life to the full with their partner. The very fact that you've asked the question is the answer.

I once asked my partner this because he had worried he didn't have the capacity for romantic love before he met me. He said it was because he was incredibly attracted to me, had a constant desire to see me happy and do whatever he could to enable that, car and being with me was the most enjoyable time he spent. For me, i regularly want to be physically affectionate with him, and as weird as it sounds, his natural scent just reassures me and makes me feel warm inside. Also, I still really fancy him and prefer having him around than being alone (and i used to live alone before him).

I didn't have this with my ex though - and i think the biggest difference now is how much we have in common, and also how well our natural physical and emotional chemistry works together. It's just something you feel.

There are stages of love and one of them
is disillusionment.

Realising that one person can not meet all your friendship, emotional, and romantic needs is both sad and liberating. It is a more realistic position than the idealistic one of our expectations and culture.

I have heard it said that we should be looking for ‘good enough’ and to relax into that rather negatively compare ourselves to the intoxicating love affairs of countless books, films and marketing agencies.

What are the good qualities you can list? Even the little things?
Do you ever contemplate what it would be like if he died?
What kind of things make you feel emotional? Would you share those moments with him?

There’s a book called ‘Too good to leave, too bad to stay’ and it contains some really interesting questions you can use to assess your relationship. You don’t have to be considering leaving to read it but it will help you think things through.

Interesting question.

I have just spent my first Christmas without my partner of 27 years after our relationship breakdown last Feb.

It was difficult, strange and sad but l didn’t at any point wish he was there.

This has made me really think about how much l actually loved him.

Reflecting back, l did find him irritating and frustrating but even though l didn’t feel love for him on a day to day basis, l assumed that it was there buried deep down underneath the routine of daily life.

We were very companionable and enjoyed days out/holidays together.

However if l am completely honest l didn’t actually respect him and like him enough. Other giveaway signs were that l ignored were;

I enjoyed him being out of the house and often had a sinking feeling when he returned. If he returned earlier than expected l was really pissed off.

He was very affectionate and l struggled with this. When he would lean towards me wanting a kiss l would tense up and afterwards would wipe away the bit he had kissed.

There were other things as well but my responses were gut reactions to his presence and l ignored them.

Listen to your gut and how your body reacts to them being around you.

If they broke both their wrists, would you wipe their bum?

You know you love them when you are still grieving for them 30 years after they died.