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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My boyfriend never wants to have sex

49 replies

Chantelle2019 · 03/01/2022 23:13

I have been with my partner for a 1.5years now and he never wants to have sex with me, everytime I try and initiate something sexual he says he isn't in the mood for it (everytime). He does suffer with depression which I do understand it does have an effect on your sex drive but it's been over 3months since we last had sex and that was only because he was drunk!, I know he watches porn too which doesn't help how I am feeling as I'm starting to feel like I'm not good enough nor attractive enough I just feel like I'm getting rejected when I bring it up to him all I get is its not my fault I'm not in the mood for it... 😕

OP posts:

Newestname002 · 03/01/2022 23:58

@Chantelle2019

OP you are too young, at 25, to allow yourself to be trapped in this non-relationship. At your age, and at his and only 1.5yrs into what should still be a "honeymoon" period, life should be very much different. Please don't allow being in love with him stop you from living your life to the absolute full. Imagine living life like this for the next 10, 15+ years and with children added to the mix.

Your future is in your own hands. Please consider calling time with him and moving out of this relationship. Good luck. 🌹

yan79 · 04/01/2022 00:13

@Chantelle2019

He does watch porn... We have had more drunk sex then sober sex in the whole 1.5year relationship. I feel stuck because I do love him but I'm getting to the point where I need more, I want someone to walk in a room and want to rip my clothes off

Yes to this! If I felt wanted I would probably initiate sex. It’s very rare he touches my boobs, bum etc or in an intimate way

Lookingoutside · 04/01/2022 00:33

Leave him. Don’t become a shadow of yourself like I and so many other women did. My late 20s and entire 30s were a wasteland.

Leave. Him.

Rangoon · 04/01/2022 00:42

Honestly, at 25 I'm sure you have plenty of options. What on earth are you doing wasting your youth on this pathetic man who is never in the mood and who watches porn instead?

MrsEricBana · 04/01/2022 00:48

Definitely, definitely leave him now. This will never change and it will affect your self esteem beyond belief.

Snugglybuggly · 04/01/2022 01:00

@Chantelle2019

Why are you still with him

Cupcakesandjam · 04/01/2022 01:20

You will meet someone else, but you won't whilst you are with him. Not sure if you live together. You might be as you haven't pushed off yet. You sound fond of him, but he is not your responsibility.

He knows it's not working too. He won't be surprised when you leave. Do you do all the housework? . Much braver to leave than stay you know. You're 25! Leave, don't rush into another relationship, go out with friends and discuss what is a great relationship and how to spot a bad one.

yesterdaysbread · 04/01/2022 01:36

I have experienced similar and yes I think the porn can be the problem. Have you talked about it? I know exactly how it feels to be torn between the frustration and disappointment of a lack of sex life and the love you feel for that person. I wrote a similar post about a year and a half ago and everyone told me to leave him. Since then we’ve talked a lot and had some therapy and things have improved but we are still nowhere near ‘normal’ yet. I am glad I stayed as he makes me happy in so many other ways but I suspect this aspect of our lives will always be a bit different. Also I am surprised with how I’ve personally come to feel that while sex and intimacy is important it is not as important as I previously thought. So - if there are other things that make your relationship worth fighting for then maybe try some therapy, but if you can’t imagine that there’s any room for either of you to compromise I would agree with others that it’s time to leave, as it probably won’t improve to the extent you wish it would

OkPedro · 04/01/2022 01:44

I have a low sex drive op it is to do with past trauma. I rarely had sex sober.. you are only 25 you need to think about yourself now.. sex is an essential part of a relationship

yesterdaysbread · 04/01/2022 01:45

I just wanted to add that it became a problem for me about 2.5 years into the relationship so I guess the stakes were only just slightly higher…I don’t mean to understate the ‘investment’ of time you have shared with your DP and of course at the end of the day it shouldn’t matter how long you’ve been together if you’re not happy. But I just wanted to add that as perhaps it’s a slightly different situation to what I experienced and also alcohol didn’t play a part in our problems so maybe my comment wasn’t that helpful sorry OP. I guess the very best advice is to listen to your gut… is it telling you there’s something worth sticking it out for or is it already checked out?

UrsulaBursula · 04/01/2022 01:50

I think you have to be honest and accept that he just isn’t that into you

If he isn’t gay, he likes and watches porn, he said he has a high sex drive (but clearly doesn’t with you), he can only find the urge to be intimate with you when his wasted - it’s almost solemnly clear he just isn’t that into you.

Walk away and dont look back

Mumadof3 · 04/01/2022 01:59

Your gonna hate him In the end and end up cheating and i actually wouldn't blame you. Ask if hes happy for you to get it else where and I bet he wouldnt be. Porn is a huge problem and him stopping that would be the best if only for a while. Dont waste your life on him though sex is so important their are plenlty of other men out there whom you could fall in love with it's just not worth the years of misery it will only get worse unless you can except it of course some people do

user1481840227 · 04/01/2022 02:24

Your gonna hate him In the end and end up cheating and i actually wouldn't blame you

In this case their sex life has always been lacking and the majority of their sex was when he was drunk. If the OP stayed, cheated and then blamed him then that would be pretty fucked up and not taking any responsibility for her own choices and for staying in the relationship even though it was clear early on that there were major issues.

OP, end the relationship, the situation won't improve. Imagine how happy you could be in a relationship where your needs were met!

TheFoundation · 04/01/2022 07:06

@Chantelle2019

I have always had a very high sex drive but since being with my partner it's just disappeared!

He's completely turned you off.

Doesn't that tell you everything you need to know?

Tealtalk · 04/01/2022 07:17

Yes agreed he has turned you off . Men just don’t get how pathetic they can looked when hooked on porn

Tealtalk · 04/01/2022 07:18

how pathetic they look when hooked on porn

Ducksareruiningmypatio · 04/01/2022 07:22

Leave.
This will not get better
Speaking from experience, you'll be miserable and resentful, it will eventually blow up anyway and you'll wish you'd left at the first doubts

cheeseislife8 · 04/01/2022 07:25

This will wreck your self esteem OP

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 04/01/2022 07:34

Who cares if he's gay , depressed or addicted to porn. Go and find someone that fancies you and enjoy being young!

furbabymama87 · 04/01/2022 07:39

I had a boyfriend like this when I was around 17 to 20. He had no problem with intimacy and it was obvious he fancied me because he would do certain things and be aroused but when it came down to intercourse he was incapable, almost like he had some kind of phobia. He told me sex was for special occasions and that oral sex was disgusting and his grandparents wouldn't be proud of him if they knew he did it. He enjoyed seeing me naked and would be turned on as long as my knickers stayed on. I ended up cheating and ending the relationship because I was young, wanted sex and fun and I was never going to get it from him. The few times we had sex was awful and he couldn't stay hard. I saw him a while ago and he's now married and I always wonder if he's changed or if he's the same with his wife. The thought of being married to him depresses me.

SmallElephant · 04/01/2022 07:41

You say that you feel stuck, but honestly, in a year's time his sex drive won't have changed and you will just feel more stuck after investing longer in the relationship. Better to cut your losses now.

MimiBaker · 04/01/2022 07:54

There could be a number of reasons such as hecus actually actually etc but it really doesn't matter why. You are unhappy and 1.5 years in you shouldn't be this miserable.

orangesandlemons3 · 04/01/2022 11:54

I was there at 25 and unfortunately I was stupid enough to marry him. Take it from someone who has been there and got the t shirt - it only gets worse, not better. And even though you know it's nothing to do with you, it will destroy your self esteem and make you very depressed in the long run.

I would talk to him and ask why he's having these issues - he may have a low sex drive, he may be gay, he may be affected by porn, he may have had bad experiences in his past. But at 1.5 years of dating I don't think you should waste time trying to fix this if it's a complex issue as I don't think it's solvable 99% or the time.

miltonj · 04/01/2022 12:21

Please, please, please move on. It won't change! This isn't a full, proper and fulfilling relationship.

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