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Relationships

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Original poster

DH family dynamics

16 replies

Mallowflower · 03/01/2022 22:33

We try and see DHs family on a regular basis. I like them but I probably wouldn’t hang out with them if they weren’t related. The problem is my DH doesn’t actually seem to like them. He is very different from them (they are very religious and he is not). When we spend time with them he often just zones out. I can tell he is finding it hard and that they get on his nerves and stress him out.

I find it so difficult as I have to be the one who keeps the conversation flowing and try and maintain a positive atmosphere. I know this doesn’t sound so bad but after 25 years of doing this I am getting sick of it.

I don’t judge his feelings. His upbringing wasn’t the best. His mum was very cold and the religious stuff was pretty awful. However I have always tried to be nice to his family as he makes out that he wants to be close to them. However in reality I think it would do him good to go lower contact with them. Or if he doesn’t want to I want to go to less family get togethers.

Am I a terrible wife? I’ve started to find it all so depressing. Just spent another day listening to his brother monologue at me whilst my husband stares into space. When we came back he went to bed with a migraine (I think caused by anxiety/stress). The family dynamic is exhausting!

OP posts:

samwitwicky · 03/01/2022 22:37

Simple really. Stop doing it.

If your DH wants to maintain a relationship with them, let him do the work.

Newestname002 · 03/01/2022 23:50

@Mallowflower

Your husband doesn't seem to welcome these get togethers with his family, to the point he just zones out in their company. Neither of you seem to enjoy their company and I think that, after 25 years of you painfully trying to keep conversations going you should now just throw in the towel and keep them at bay - much like it sounds as your DH is doing. "Drop the rope" now and focus on your own lives without his family.

Please stop making the effort on a relationship which doesn't appear positive for either of you. No need to make any grand announcements- just left it fade. 🌹

Original poster

Mallowflower · 04/01/2022 09:12

To be fair he does do all the work. I don’t organise anything. The depressing thing is he organises them but his family never initiate. It’s like he is trying to pretend they enjoy each other’s company when it’s clear they don’t. I know it would really hurt his feelings if I didn’t go with him. I don’t think he understands that he’s just hurting himself by organising things with his family.

If I try and suggest that he doesn’t enjoy the day he gets defensive. I said that seeing his family makes him ill but he refuses to admit it. I guess it sucks to know you don’t like your family.

I guess I am just getting to the point where I am sick of trying to make the days nice by keeping conversation going etc... I do feel an affection for his family but life is too short to pretend I live their company! Or is that just what family life is like and I should be supportive to this lie?!

OP posts:

Tal45 · 04/01/2022 09:30

Maybe he's just always hoping that next time it will be different and he'll suddenly start getting the love from them that he always wanted. I think it's self destructive but you can't make him see it if he doesn't want to.

I'd just start saying that you're happy be involved sometimes but not every time as you feel you have to do all the talking while he says nothing and it's become too much.

Janeandjohnny · 04/01/2022 09:32

He should look at family dynamics and understand the roles at play. I had similar and cut contact significantly, wish I had done so years ago. A good psychotherapist will help with this but you can always choose to not go.

NoSquirrels · 04/01/2022 09:35

I know it would really hurt his feelings if I didn’t go with him. I don’t think he understands that he’s just hurting himself by organising things with his family.

You can’t change him or what he chooses to do.

You can change your own actions, which would be to say ‘No thanks, DH, I don’t want to do that/see BIL/PIL etc’.

You don’t have to not go every time, but you can definitely stay behind sometimes and it’s crazy you don’t, tbh.

SmallElephant · 04/01/2022 09:35

My DH is a bit like this! Not as bad because he had a good childhood and has a good relationship with them now, but when we see them he seems to fall back into childhood patterns (he was the quiet son while his brother was very outgoing) and hardly says anything, while his parents tell boring stories and I keep the conversation going in between.

Like you we've been together a long time, I guess it's not going to change so I just accept it. We only see them once every couple of months so I can cope with that.

Brigante9 · 04/01/2022 09:41

What has he said when you tell him this? Can you ask him to reduce the visit times? If you visit, how long do you stay? I’m afraid I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken at while my dh zoned out. So boring!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/01/2022 09:47

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles.

He seems to be in a state of FOG when it comes to his family (fear, obligation and guilt) and those are three things that were instilled in him by his parents, mother in particular. He still wants their approval even now though they will never give this to him. His own inertia when it comes to them also hurts him as much as you. He still has a hope that one day and if he acts well enough around them they will apologise and be the parents he so wants them to be; sadly it will not happen. People like this do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Do not be further supportive to this lie; make your boundaries both clear and known to DH now. You are under no obligation to see his family at all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/01/2022 09:48

He is also using you as a sort of buffer between he and his family and that is unfair on you.

Ourlady · 04/01/2022 10:17

He is definitely using you as a buffer as pp said. I would just refuse to go.

Original poster

Mallowflower · 04/01/2022 10:45

@Brigante9 It is so boring! I feel childish saying that but after having a break from it all over lockdown I can’t cope with it anymore . For a while when we all had young children it was ok and actually fun. The children provided a joyful buffer. However now they are older they also seem to pick up on the tension and don’t enjoy it. The difference between our parenting because of religion also makes things very awkward.

@AttilaTheMeerkatI think it is all obligation and guilt. I am going to hope my reluctance might give him a way out. I could cope with a couple of meet ups a year but at the moment it’s too frequent.

OP posts:

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 04/01/2022 10:53

I would unfortunately wake up with a migraine on the day of the next meet up and be unable to go so he would have to deal with it himself. That might open up the possibility of him agreeing to meet them less often once he confronts the reality of managing the situation. Even if not, it takes you out of the circus for once and will show much much of the work you're doing on these occasions. I agree it's unfair to use you as a buffer.

SunnyLeaf · 04/01/2022 10:56

How regularly do you see them at the moment?

layladomino · 04/01/2022 12:56

If your DH wants to keep seeing them and to plan visits then that's fine, he can do that. But you don't have to go as well. And it's unfair of him to expect you to go / to be upset if you don't go... when he 'zones out' and expects you to do all the conversation / listening.

You could tell him - in future, if he wants to go, he needs to pull his weight and engage with them throughout. The minute he wants to zone out is when you leave. And if he can't commit to that, then you don't want to go, as it's causing you frustration and stress.

If he's a good man he'll care about your feelings and will want to spare you that.

Original poster

Mallowflower · 04/01/2022 17:54

@SunnyLeaf since lockdown lifted it’s been every couple of months. A lot of meet ups have been because of birthdays and sadly a few funerals. I have a feeling that this year it will be less. I know it’s not fair for my husband to use me as a buffer. I don’t think he does it on purpose. It’s very painful to admit you don’t really like or get on with your family. I love him enough to be that buffer but less frequently!

OP posts:

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