Hi everyone
This is going to be a long post as i'm confused and don't know what to do.
I had a girlfriend who I proposed to and she accepted my proposal. She told all of her friends, work colleagues etc and we were so happy. Or so I thought. Two weeks after the proposal she called it all off, telling me that she still loved her ex and that she didn't love me. She then told me that she did love me and that she is confused about her feelings and so, whilst the engagement was off, we stayed together. That only lasted a few more weeks and then she told me that it wasn't working between us and that we couldn't be together at all. Things had become very stressful and we kept biting at each other, something that hadn't happened before her revelation.
Over the past 6 weeks or so, she kissed another bloke on a night out and whilst we weren't together, we both knew there was still something between us. She told me that she felt like she had to admit what she did. We have had a relationship that isn't a relationship. Let me explain...she still wanted sex with me, still wanted me to stay over at hers and wanted to spend days together but she didn't want it to be called a relationship as it freaks her out. On an almost nightly basis she'd call me for a couple of hours before we went to sleep and she would text or ring me first thing in the morning. She doesn't want me to get with another woman and I don't want her to be with anyone else. She even invited me to go lingerie shopping with her about a week ago and then 3 nights ago she invited me over to hold her so she could sleep and we ended up having sex. I've just spent the last two days with her and her son. She admits that there is more between us than friends but point blank refuses for us to get back together in a relationship so we're now in something and I don't know what to call it. She tells me that she isn't a place to have a relationship and understands if I need to move on....but I can't.
She has been working on a few things to try and rid her mind of her ex and to help with her mental health (which has taken a bit of a beating since her revelation). She did arrange to meet up with him but he messed her around and she never did (or so she tells me). She realised that he was messing with her head (something he'd done whilst they were together). I know people will probably tell me to run but this is a woman who I love more than anyone I have ever loved (and I have previously been married). There is something between us that I have never felt. I can feel her anxiety, depression and even when she's happy...even if we're apart. The other night when she asked me to come over, I knew she was feeling anxious and I knew I was going to hear from her (having not heard from her for almost a a week).
I don't know if i'm displaying patience and understanding because of her mental health or whether i'm just being a doormat. We have 'broken up' as friends or from whatever this is multiple times. She has admitted her mental health declines when we've fallen out and she can't imagine me not being in her life and I have to admit that I struggle without her, I feel like there's a gap in my life. It's not just loneliness as i've kept myself busy with friends, work or sorting out my new home. I am so miserable without her and even with all of her issues, I am so much happier with her in my life. I don't want us to be 'just friends' and I know I couldn't just be friends because the thought of anyone else touching her makes me feel sick. She tells me she has no intention of getting with anyone else.
This is so confusing. I'm wondering if anyone else has faced this. I am so lost. I love her and she knows it but I don't get anything back. She kisses me, but not like she used to. She held me in bed the other night and admitted she needed to hold me so she could sleep. She texts me from work several times a day and she is away with work in a few weeks and is planning for us to try and spend some time together.
I keep telling myself that I should just play it cool and treat it like the dating phase but equally, I know i'll be heartbroken if we never get back together properly. I've got friends telling me i'm being played and others that think her mental health is so bad, I am doing the right thing.
Oh, and to top it off....i'm in my 40's!!