Tricky situation

[Freedom22]

I’ve been with my DH for 14 years. Just over two years ago I started a new job and worked there until September this year. I got fairly close to someone there. I moved office and ultimately left the job because of it. I had counselling about it as I’m in love with this person. The counselling helped me to see why it happened.
Thing is I still can’t make a decision about whether to leave me DH or not.
My main concern is my kids security and the affect on them.
It may sound trivial but I’m finding it really difficult

It's not fair on your DH, and separation doesn't affect children as much as living in a lovesless marriage.

What is your relationship with your husband like? If you took the other person and any option of pursuing something with them out of the picture would you be content to stay in the marriage?

The best security for your DC is having two parents who can show them what being happy look like. Now that this other person is off the scene, you’re in a better place to consider whether the your marriage is truly over because it’s run it’s course, or whether joint counselling for the both of you could get your relationship back on track. When you were having your counselling, was joint counselling ever mentioned? Because, let’s be honest, the reality is that that your DH is just as likely as miserable as you if things have gone stale and you’ve had your head turned. Even if the end result of joint counselling is that you both realise that staying married isn’t what you want, it can help you separate more amicably.

Thanks @ComtesseDeSpair it was sole counselling to talk about why I’d had these feelings for someone else. It wasn’t a crush as I had got over that part. It was sole counselling as my DH has been violent in the past, he overcame this through DVP intervention programme which he voluntarily attended. There was also some sexual stuff that improved. No violence for 7 years now but such an issue may provoke it, understandably.
It may be good to go to joint. I’ve just realised with sadness that I never want to cuddle or be affectionate to him. I stopped because at one point I couldn’t cuddle him without him wanting sex. I feel like our marriage is dead and that makes me feel sad.
I’ve worked in an extremely stressful job for the last 3 1/2 years which I don’t think has helped
I don’t think DH is happy he drinks to excess on the nights he does drink and has put on a fair bit of weight but I think that was pandemic related.

I feel like our marriage is dead

From everything you’ve said you’re absolutely right. Please leave.

Has he been violent towards your children?

They won’t thank you got staying and being miserable.

From what you've said it doesn't sound like a blip in an otherwise good relationship to be overcome. You don't sound like you feel completely safe with him or trust him not to overstep your boundaries. Leaving may be the healthiest option for you all.