Am I being selfish? Feeling lost 😞

[Lcar]

I’m 3 and a half years out of a 23 year abusive narcissistic marriage. I’ve focused on my 4 children (age 17-24) since we left, and on recovering.

I’ve been renting a little cottage near my children’s school since then. I’ve slept downstairs on the sofa all that time - also worked in the same room for 2 of those years, since covid.

The children are doing really well - one graduated from uni, two at uni now, one finishing A levels and has an unconditional offer for uni in September.

I met a lovely new boyfriend 2 and a bit years ago, who has helped me rebuild my confidence and self-esteem, and reminds me constantly to be myself and live my life happily. There’s love and commitment on both sides.

We both agreed that my kids have to come first, so we plan to move in together this summer, once all the children are finished in school and sorted on their paths in life.

He lives about 35 miles away, so we had intended that we’ll get a place together fairly near where I live, so my kids can be near their friends. He recently suggested that I could move into his place - cheap rent, lovely neighbours who I count as friends, a spare room for my youngest daughter to make her own for when she’s home from uni, and sofa/floor space for my other children when they visit occasionally.

I suggested that to the children - two are all for it, and two are horrified. I asked my youngest daughter why, and I think it’s partly that she won’t be near her friends, and that she wouldn’t feel at home in my boyfriend’s house. He works away, and I explained that it would be as much my home as his, and that all my children are always welcome in my home, wherever that may be. My bf fully agrees with that.

But she also said that it’s because I should be committing myself to my children, and that my life with my boyfriend should be secondary to that.

I feel lost and sad and confused. I’m 53, and I’ve dedicated an awful lot of my life to making other people’s lives happy. I’ve told my children that they always have a place with me, but I feel that they will always resent me for wanting to move on with my life.

I talked about the way that other families move on, that parents move on with new partners, and that me moving on with a new partner doesn’t affect how much I love them.

I totally understand that my youngest would feel unsure and sensitive. I feel, though, that it’s quite selfish to expect me to put my life on hold indefinitely.

My (newly more confident) instinct is to push ahead with my plans to move in with my boyfriend in summer after A levels, to reassure them that I love them as much as ever, but to help them understand that I’m entitled to a life too.

Plan B could be to look for a house nearer to where I live now, and I think that is probably what I’ll do - a compromise. I’m not convinced though that my kids will make my boyfriend welcome, whenever we live.

I’m feeling lost. Please could you help me understand and know if I’m being selfish to want to start a new life with my new partner.

Your youngest is still quite young, under pressure with exams and at a turning point in terms of becoming an adult. Covid and isolation has affected everyone differently as well.

Of course you are entitled to a life of your own, but right now is maybe not the time to make significant changes. You've invested so much in supporting your dcs in to adult life and it sounds like you've made a great job of it.

I think I'd leave it until your youngest is at university, so she has a bolt hole if she needs one. And I agree that moving into your ex's house is not ideal. It will always be his house and your dcs are unlikely to treat it as home because they are on his turf.

You're so close, why not leave it until September, and find a house that is new to you both?

Young people are selfish. They always look at everything from the view if their own comfort and hate being inconvenienced. Has she been cut up over the fact that you're practically living on the couch?! Of course not. Because it doesn't effect her. I definitely wouldn't move until they were all through their A levels. But I'd be planning and preparing. They will be making their own (quite rightly) selfish decisions about their lives. Take a leaf out of their book and make some self oriented decisions about your own.

V unsettling timing for your youngest. Moving to university doesn’t mean s/he will be ‘settled’.

It’s understandable that your DC wouldn’t regard it as their home.

Presumably the DC were negatively affected by growing up in a household with abuse, for many years.

It wouldn’t be ‘as much my home as his’. It’s his place and you’d have no housing security.

Would go with your ‘plan B’ or postpone moving into your boyfriend’s for another year or so.

But she also said that it’s because I should be committing myself to my children, and that my life with my boyfriend should be secondary to that.

I don't agree with this. There's room for everyone. At their age it's not a case of them always coming first.

But as someone with dd the same age who is also going to uni next year, I wouldn't move 35 miles away or be moving somewhere she would, essentially, feel she was a guest at. Welcome in your home isn't the same as actuly been in her own home.

I would want her to feel that she coming home and I want her to be able to easily catch up with the people she has been friends with from here.

I would also want to have room for the ones at Uni to come home afterwards, if they need to.

Which 2 are for it? Is the oldest no longer living with you. Have the middle no intention of stating home?

Personally, I would get somewhere new. Maybe soon than summer so the youngest feels like it's her home.

Personal experience is it won't ever be your home. It will be his home that you moved into. I would look for somewhere new together, that is truly shared.

I think it’s probably the looming exams that have thrown your youngest. Add in that teenagers are usually rather self centred and that she probably doesn’t like change …..
However, they’ll move on in their lives, new jobs, new partners, new interests and you’re not there to wash their socks for ever.
As a compromise could you shelve the planning until the exams are over? Perhaps you can book some time with your bf at his place just the two of you, or a trip away finances and covid permitting.
I’m betting that once your youngest is done with the school it’ll be a case of I’m off for my new life, see you mum and you’ll feel more able to make your choices for you.

From a purely practical point of view moving into somebody else’s house doesn’t sound like a great idea. It would leave you vulnerable if the relationship broke down. Having said that as long as you keep some money back as an emergency fund in case you need it, you should be fine.

As for moving in together, I think when they’re all at uni it’s fair game. There has to come a point where you start putting your own needs first, and they are grown-up now, they should be making lives of their own.

@madisonbridges

Young people are selfish. They always look at everything from the view if their own comfort and hate being inconvenienced. Has she been cut up over the fact that you're practically living on the couch?! Of course not. Because it doesn't effect her. I definitely wouldn't move until they were all through their A levels. But I'd be planning and preparing. They will be making their own (quite rightly) selfish decisions about their lives. Take a leaf out of their book and make some self oriented decisions about your own.

This ^^

I'm interested in this as I will be in a similar situation in a couple of years (I'm a planner!!!).

Once both ds have finished school I would like to move to where I work, obviously with a bedroom for each dc but not as big a place as now. Possibly /hopefully with do.

I think it's a good tip to move over the summer so your youngest can also get used to the new place. Not sure how my dc will feel about things...

I don’t think you are being selfish at all (and I speak as someone who’s dm moved over an hour away from my home town when I went away to uni. Even at just turned 18 I knew she needed a life of her own and when I went “home” to see friends I stayed with said friends or in cheap hotels. It taught me resilience and independence) I think you HAVE committed your life to your children, and whilst you will always be their mum, you also have to have a life of your own (particularly now when they will all have their own lives very soon) Do it gently, but do it would be my advice.

Is she moving away for uni or staying at home?

Your life can't be on hold for your kids forever. They're all adults, or very nearly adults.

You shouldn't and can't keep putting yourself last. You had 23 years of that.

You’re not selfish at all to want a new life with your partner, but for your youngest child, your timing is awful. I’ve always thought that I should be sure that my children are settled at uni and are out the other side ok before I let our home go.

I don’t think you are selfish but based on the age your DC your DP moving to your area and you renting a bigger property may be better for your family.

Well your younger DC is coming up to exams, which is stressful, and she’s afraid of her security disappearing. Can you put it on the back burner till Sept?

Of course you are entitled to build up your life now. Can you buy? Do you have a pension? Paying rent to your BF isn’t very secure - will your name be on tenancy?

I would go with plan B but your DD doesn’t get the option not to make your BF feel at home.

FWIW I would never have moved in with my (recently ex) DP in his current house precisely because I know that my DCs wouldn’t have felt like it was their home. Starting afresh in a new home with you and your DP at the helm, equal partners, and your DCS (and his if he has them) having a space to call their own is the best way for you to all get what you want. You get to live with your BF, your DD is closer to her friends than if you’d moved in with him 35 miles away, and he doesn’t have to bend to the whims of a child because you treat him as a partner.

I think it’s partly that she won’t be near her friends, and that she wouldn’t feel at home in my boyfriend’s house. He works away, and I explained that it would be as much my home as his, and that all my children are always welcome in my home, wherever that may be. My bf fully agrees with that

For now. Your boyfriends agrees with it for now.

If your children were witness to your abusive marriage, then forgive them for not wanting to move. Put yourself in their shoes - not only are they younger than you, but they are also as or more vulnerable than you. All they see is a situation where their mum is asking them to move into a house with a man who is not biologically their father. It is an odd, forced situation for them and if their girls, they will have no idea who your boyfriend really is behind the polite smiles and small talk. It's one thing to be ok and cordial when he's around.....but to then think of their homebase as somewhere that not only he lives, but is actually his house is quite another.

I can totally understand why your two youngest wouldn't be happy about this. People seem to believe that you reach 18 and magically you're an adult, but many children don't reach full maturity (physically or mentally) until they are in their early 20s. You can plainly see the difference in size even between freshers and graduates at university. They are living with the freedoms of adulthood at that age but it doesn't mean they are ones in the same sense as we are.

Many young people continue to refer to their parent's home as their real 'home' years after leaving university, when many young people have no choice but to live with a rotation of flatmates. Their parent's home still represents a psychological stable space for them a few years after technically moving out.

You're not selfish for wanting to move on. If you can though, I do think you should wait until they're fully settled at uni (beyond the first year) before thinking about your next step. They night be more open to the idea of sharing their home from home with him if you buy a house together, so that it's not his place alone, his place to allow them to be there or not.

They're girls*

Firstly I would be wary about living with someone again. Secondly, if I were to move in with him, I would wait until after your youngest was settled and see how things panned out. She will be coming home from uni and will want to feel at home and see her friends.

I presume you also have a life and friends where you are so to upsticks is a big risk too.