How do you get alone time after having DC?

[Boxbox2]

Keen to hear practical examples of how you ensure you can get alone/recharge time - whether it's a bath or reading or doing a hobby.
How did you come to an agreement with your DP/extended family/childminders about it?
I work FT at present and would want to do so after having DC, but concerned about how I'd fit in some time just to myself (i need quite a lot of it!) So wondering if I'm being foolish to even consider DC if alone time us so precious to me. Is it possible and if so how have you made it happen around work?

Well for me it's just a matter of saying to my dh...I'm having a bath ok? He would say yeah sure. Or replace bath with going for a walk. Or if it's something where it takes longer or planning then. I ask what his plans are and we have a chat and plan who is doing what and when.

I got practically none for 21 years!

Pressed send too early…

I had three babies in three years, even if DH or a nanny was in charge I was working/tidying/passing out with exhaustion. It got worse when eldest was diagnosed with cancer.

My experience is extreme but the point I’m making is: when deciding whether to have DC don’t assume any nicely scheduled plans will work. Whatever happens, responsibility for those tiny lives is 100% yours/DH’s. If the dice roll against you, it’s still you stepping up to the mark.

I always paid a babysitter . Was a single parent so it was that or go insane !

If both of you have full time jobs, it’s generally very difficult to have any alone time

I don’t, lone parent, no contact with their father, no family help

This was a major reason I didn’t have kids. I need quiet and I need alone time or I’m just drained.

Babies and young children go to bed at 7pm or so, giving you an evening.
DH takes children to park / shop / errands for a couple of hours on a Sat AM and you do the same for him on a Sunday, say.
Gym with crèche
If your parents are local they have children for a couple of hours while you go into town or whatever.
Buy a house with 2 reception rooms so you can have a 'posh lounge' to escape to once they're old enough to play by themselves safely (they can still find you to request biscuits though, annoyingly!)

I work 3 days a week. When he was little I used to do 2 half hour runs and a 2 hour long run a week, but could only really do that because my partner is 3 days a week too. All other ‘alone time’ (cooking, drawing, gardening, baths) had/has a kid in it. We timetabled my runs and his cycling. I don’t know any other mums who get this much time to pursue their own stuff.

It might not be for you.

@Fluffycloudland77 this is also what I'm leaning towards!
DP and I would have to work FT, as it is we would barely afford to have even one financially, and timewise it looks difficult too unless we get significant help from extended family.

Babies and young children go to bed at 7pm or so, giving you an evening.

If only someone told them that

Or, @AnneLovesGilbert, if they do go to sleep you’re either busy getting ready for the next day or you’re worn out half-watching catch-up telly

Honestly, I think it's very sensible that you're thinking about this and that you're clearly being realistic about the fact that it's not easy. I honestly thought maternity leave was going to be me wafting around parks with a happy gurgling or sleeping baby while I read my book. I'm a complete fool.

I think if you're willing to accept that you have to make compromises, then you're half way there. The other half is to be 100% confident that your Dh is going to step up. In our case, we paid for a few hours a week of childcare from when DS was about 5 weeks old. When I was on maternity leave, it meant I got a bit of a break. When I went back to work and DH was a SAHD, he got a break. Then on the weekend, the person who had been working got a break because the other one had benefited from some paid childcare. But that was only doable because DH accepted and understood and was quite happy to take DC out for a few hours on the weekend or didn't blink if I said I was going out. And vice versa.

Having said that, one thing that took us a long time to get back to was extended time off. it was years before I could cope if DH went away for a weekend, for example, because DS was a very high needs baby and didn't sleep much so one of us would do the middle of the night (usually me) and the other one would do the early morning (Usually DH). I could just about cope with one night of him not being there, but more was hell.

Well, how much alone time do you ‘need’? How much is ‘a lot’. I have toddler twins and me and DH both work full time. Our alone time is when they go to bed (between 7-8pm) but then there’s the housework to catch up on, probably leaving us an hour of free time a night. We will occasionally take the kids out solo, but that can’t be done that frequently with two little ones. Or we take days off work when they are in nursery.

It’s easy to say don’t have kids if that doesn’t sound like a life you want (and it’s true you need to take the decision seriously), but it’s a short term life when they are very little. Obviously kids of any age will always mean more work and more worry, but alone time increases as they get older and grow more independent.

I tell DH I'm going for a bath/walk/to call a friend. If we both want to do something or need her out of the house she has a friend a few doors up and her mum and I swap 2 hours of childcare a fortnight which works perfectly. Otherwise dd joins me when I workout/have a bath/read a book etc

If you have one or two children and a supportive partner then alone time shouldn’t be that hard. My exh would take the kids off me for an hour or so for me to have some alone time, plus I worked full time so would naturally get some in my breaks at work.

I have 3 and they are teenagers now. Zero alone time as there is always one of them up, around and needing me for something. It’s actually easier when they are younger.

OP, don't have kids unless you absolutely want them and are prepared for the sacrifices involved.
You also cannot guarantee that plans will work. My much loved, (very hands on father), wonderful DH died suddenly when our two DDs were still in nappies- I had to go back to full time work and raise them alone, with no relatives within 250 miles.
I only had one weekend away from my DC in 18 years.
I don't begrudge them that and I love them to bits, but I won't deny it was gruelling.

Divorce. It’s the perfect balance - most of the week with my kids, a few nights a week on my own.

I think you are so right to think about this pre-kids. One of the reasons I stopped at one was because it was so hard to get alone time. I have no family nearby, we do have a babysitter and husband and I take it in turns to do things. But honestly you really have to compromise with what you want to do/achieve and just make sure you are super organised.

Don’t underestimate how much a child really slows you down generally so doing simple tasks with a small person “helping” takes forever it’s more efficient doing tasks when they aren’t around but that eats into your free time.

Saying that I’m still in the early years and I am slowly getting more time to myself but it’s nothing like the luxury of time I had before.

Thanks for all your replies and wisdom!

I'd say at the moment I need at least an hour to myself every evening after work to decompress, knowing I won't be interrupted, and about 2-3 hours every weekend to get my personal admin done/hobby time.
Then I like to see my friends 2 times a week as well. I appreciate this would all have to reduce with DC but are these amounts wildly unrealistic?

@Boxbox2

Thanks for all your replies and wisdom!

I'd say at the moment I need at least an hour to myself every evening after work to decompress, knowing I won't be interrupted, and about 2-3 hours every weekend to get my personal admin done/hobby time.
Then I like to see my friends 2 times a week as well. I appreciate this would all have to reduce with DC but are these amounts wildly unrealistic?

The evenings seem doable, but it does depend on the individual child as well. I get a few hours in the evening, but my son is reliably asleep by 7:30 each night.

Weekends are trickier as it does mean you miss quite a bit of family time unless your free hours are in the evening.