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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex not turning up to see son

25 replies

MisoE · 03/01/2022 14:28

Long story short me and my ex have split with a 5 month old baby. We’ve agreed to set days, he turned up for the first one but today he’s not bothered. He called first thing saying he was coming early. A couple hours later I call asking what time will you be here? He says in a bit. He only lives half hour train journey away. A couple hours later I call back and no answer but Online on Whatapp. I’m sat still waiting and Ive had to cancel my plans. I feel shit, I know baby doesn’t know what’s going on but I’m thinking am I going to have to deal with this for the next 16 years ?

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 03/01/2022 14:30

Why do you keep calling him? If my ex does this I get on with my day, can’t force someone to be a parent.

girlmom21 · 03/01/2022 14:31

Do set days and times if you want to give him a chance. Make it early so if he doesn't turn up by 9 you haven't wasted your day.

pointythings · 03/01/2022 14:35

Set it out clearly - early arrival time. If he isn't there within half an hour of set time and hasn't notified you of delays, you go about your day. If he doesn't like that, he can go through the courts - who will expect him to abide by a schedule as long as you make the baby available for contact.

user1471462428 · 03/01/2022 16:41

Did he show up eventually? @pointythings @RedCandyApple @girlmom21 have really great advice. Always give a time and leave the house if he doesn’t make it on time. Show him that shit doesn’t fly with you and your baby deserves better.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 03/01/2022 16:52

Keep a diary of all of this. Screen shots of messages and ideally communicate by email. Please keep a record

GoodnightGrandma · 03/01/2022 16:56

Yes, keep a diary.
And don’t sit around waiting for him.

TueWed · 03/01/2022 17:01

Definitely keep a record

Tell him baby will be available for collection between 9-11, but after that you need to go out

Original poster

MisoE · 03/01/2022 20:25

He didn’t turn up. He picked up my call at 3pm to say he was on his way soon. Then later turned his phone off. He has kept saying all day he is turning up. I’ve tried to text and refuses to answer or text back because he knows it can used as evidence. Don’t know what to do next

OP posts:

Xmasgetaway · 03/01/2022 20:29

The advice above covers what you should do :)

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 03/01/2022 20:31

@MisoE

This is to deliberately control your day.

Communicate in writing.
State days and times. A one hour window.
Make a note of any time he does not show up.
Continue with your day.

You have to make the child available. Beyond that it is down to him.

RedCandyApple · 03/01/2022 20:31

Well you’re not listening to the advice to stop chasing so not sure what anyone else can advise you 🤷‍♀️

MintJulia · 03/01/2022 20:33

Remind him of his next contact period with his child, by email or text. Add that if he hasn't arrived within 30 mins, then you'll be getting on with your day.

Nailsbythesea · 03/01/2022 20:35

Stop chasing but text for a paper trail eg mine says ….

Noted that you did not arrive for contact today at 1 pm as arranged prior to today for your contact time.

That’s it. One text each time

Repeat as needed.

Paper trail evidence etc at all times

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 03/01/2022 20:40

Do as the wise musnetter above have said.

You send him a text.

'X will be available for you to collect at Yam on 00/00/00. If you have not picked him up by Y:30am then we will be continuing with our day and he will no longer be available for you. You need to return X at z:00 pm, I will not be home before this time.'

It is your job to make him available, not to wait in all day whilst he controls you. If you had had plans today he would have ruined them, which is his goal. You can't go on a date or move on or even go to work whilst he is playing silly buggers and he has control over the situation. You need to get tough with your boundaries and mean it. If he is late go out, even if it's for a walk or to chill in the library for a bit so that he doesn't rock up and you still hand LO over, also don't be available for him to drop him off early as that can also interfere with your free time, make a plan for your child free time, go to the cinema, meet a friend whatever but don't be at his beck and call. Once he knows you are serious he will fall into line (or disappear once he knows he can't control you). As long as the courts can see you have offered regular access (short and frequent for you LO age) then that's all they expect.

Original poster

MisoE · 04/01/2022 06:51

I received a text at 9pm saying he couldn’t be bothered and would be up on the next set day. I feel as though he was playing a game with me and tried to ruin my day. Next time I’ll be stronger and not call, I was just so mad.

OP posts:

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/01/2022 06:58

Be thankful he's not going for full custody or 50/50 and stop chasing him.

Star81 · 04/01/2022 08:09

Honestly, you’ve agreed set days and times. If he doesn’t turn up you don’t chase it, you don’t cancel your plans. If he turns up hours late and your not there it’s his problem.

He doesn’t get to control you by deciding to come today instead. Simple message back saying sorry today doesn’t suit we will see you on the next previously arranged day and time will do.

Inthesameboatatmo · 04/01/2022 08:13

You have my sympathy op I've been dealing with this shit for years. I agree with a pp that it is about control of you and your life.
Stop calling ,don't tell him you have any plans of any sort . If he isn't there 30 minutes after the agreed time then you leave the house and ignore any of his calls . He is trying to manipulate a situation he has no control over anymore and he doesn't like it.
If he really wants to see the child he can go through the courts and you should be firm and tell him that .

girlmom21 · 04/01/2022 08:20

@MisoE

Keep a copy of that text!

Georgeskitchen · 04/01/2022 14:42

I had this with my ex. Promising his young sons he would take them.out. Never turned up. Even a promised holiday to Florida which was allegedly booked, never materialised. In the end i got fed up and the kids got fed up so I never pushed for any more contact. They are all adults now and he hasn't seen any of them.for years.
Absolute waste of space

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 14:43

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Be thankful he's not going for full custody or 50/50 and stop chasing him.

Absolutely this.

CMS and leave him to get on with his shitty life. Your son doesn't need such an inconsistent, uncaring prick in his life.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 04/01/2022 14:45

You do nothing.
You claim Cms and get on with raising your dc. Your time will be better spent on you and your baby than on chasing a feckless twat.

WWDD · 04/01/2022 14:56

I agree with others, don't chase him and don't wait in if he's really late. I'd make a point of giving him 30 mins leeway then going out. He doesn't get to dictate your life and plans.

Honestly, if he can't be arsed at this point, he probably won't stick around.

CaperCaper · 04/01/2022 22:19

Good advice on here OP. From now on set an exact time e.g. 'between 3 and 3.30' then leave your house and don't chase him up. I would go out of my way to be unavailable if he misses his slot every single time. He will either learn to be punctual and/or considerate (e.g. letting you know he's running slightly late) or he won't see his child and that's on him. I agree with others this is a power game where he is messing you around to wind you up. Take back control.

dopple · 04/01/2022 22:24

I would give him a set day and time to visit, if he misses then he has to wait for the following week, don't let him think he can treat you like that, fortunately your son is too young to know what's going on.

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