DP is pissing me off. It's like talking to a brick wall. In fact, a brick wall would probably be far more responsive

[HappyChristmasWalrusIsOver]

Evereyting I ever suggest, like moving out of our shitty house/going on holiday/gettimng married etc etc, ie anything that would alter the status quo, gets met witrh a wall of silence.

It is pissing me off.

We live in a crap house, with no proper heatring to speak of, and with walls that could give way at anyt minute. I have just mentioned to the umpteenth time this year abiout possib;le moving house. He is so fucking apathetic it's untrue. I can't bear another year in this place, and he knows how ashgames I am of the house (no matter how much time I spend cleaning it, it looks fucking rank) We had no hot water for 7 weeks last winter and the landorl is a waste of space, but we ARE STILL HERE

He was them same when I went back to work. We had been struggling for money since we had DS1, but when I started thinking about going back, he got into a piss because it meant we'd have to fing a CM and he'd have to drop them off in the mornings. Even though it meant that we'd be about £600 a month better off.

I'm not even going to go down the gettinmg married route.

We have just had words about moving house - I saw a house we could move into and I asked him to come an have a look on rightmove and he said "I know what a houyse looks like FGS!"

It's pissing me off and making me resent him.

If I were able, I'd save up the money for a deposit myself, and move without him knowing and just tell him the address and say "If you can be bothered to do something different, this is where we are"

He's now sulking in the kitchen listeneing to TalkSport.

lol NAB

Will the council really make them landlord do soething?

The house is OK We have haeting and hot water - so basic need covered - but if we need anhthing to be fixed, it takes forever, which is OK if it;s the door to the shed buitwhen it took 7 weeks to repair the hot wtare, I was DP was actaiully reluctant to do anything aboyut that too. I had to open a big can of whoopass on my landlord to get that sorted (I did it when I was premenstruyal - those hormones do have a use )

Can you just not tell him (in the nicest/most tactful way possible) that it's what you intend to do? Obviously, you want him to agree with you (which he is avoiding doing), but also sounds as if you are giving him a bit too much power in the situation. You don't need his permission to move your life along .... do you?

you think you need him - in reality, it's just a damn sight easier, emotionally and practically, if he's in on it iyswim.

That place sounds like a nightmare. Well done for sorting out your finances so that moving is a possibility. Hold onto the thought of your new place and go for it!

advice

Children were unplanned, but we were both happy about it, and we had discussed having kids anyway - we just weren;t banking on it so soon.

He is a lovely lovelyt bloke - he can be so thoughtful and he doesn;t go on at me about mess or anything like that as some of my friends DHs do, but I just can';t cope with the apathy

If there are things that are pretty bad then yes the council can get involved on your behalf. Also we found that when we complained they already had a file on our landlord and knew just what he was like so moved pretty quickly. Hot water would definitely have been something they would have acted on with young kids in the house.

so was responsive when you discussed having children?

Yes, it was hgim that said he wanted to have a child with me, but in a few yerars when a bit more settled (we probvaboy would have been thinking more serously about it now - it all happened 4 years too soon!!!!!!!!)

He's always been an anhthing for an easy life kind of bloke, but my life has not been living in this house.

He's sat reading the paper now. I want to throw it up in the air.

He's making me cross. It's not good

just go and have the row with him, saves building up the resentment!

I can't, not in fromnt of the boys.

They go to bed at 7, by which time I will be pissed off and I will go to bed in disguist

I think being inimical to change is pretty common for men - DH hates it and I tend to initiate any changes in this house as well. Sigh. It is frustrating, but it sounds like you have a good realtionship otherwise. Could you try and chill about it over Christmas and then approach it tactfully in the New Year? Not sure how to raise it, sounds like you've tried various options already. Could you just say you're fed up with it and give him a time frame to come up with a plan to move? I know DH gets cross and stressed if I ask him for action/reaction immediately but if I give him a bit of time he's more amenable.

(and gin helps)

an evening of passion then bring it up?

I don;t expect him to make immediate desicions, I'd just ;like him to be open to discussuiion and a bit more enthusiastic.

I feel ike I will never move out of this shithole

Is he apathetic or is he scared of what will happen if you lose your job and he is left to carry an even bigger rent, on his own? because that's what would be scaring me, in his position.

move up here. You can have a lovely house for what you're paying now
posh

That house would be about 1200 pcm here

Ah, enthusiasm. Tricky. Maybe he genuinely doesn't feel the need to move house (ponders strange male mind).

Honestly, I don't think you can change his attitude without a lightning rod and a metal hat, but you can try to get him to co-operate a bit more - maybe - am still working on it here...

cheap dirty house whores

He didn;t talk bout it at all last night. He went to bed at 9, while I was on the phone to my dad. I got into bed at about 10, and he just turned his back on me

I think you need to call a truce over Christmas, try and have some fun together, and approach change from a potentially friendlier position.

We have dont the friendly approch already

we were going to look for spomewhere last Christmas
]
we are still here

If he can't be arsed, just go ahead and do it. What job does he do? My dh has to make a lot of big decisions at work and has quie a bit of responsibility. When he gets home he's like a kid who can't and doesn't want to make any decisions. One hand is good, I often get my own way, where we go on holiday, what kitchen to buy, what car etc etc. but it is a lot of extra work and frustrating he has no/little involvement. We have moved into a rented house before that he saw for the 1st time the day he moved in.

So my advice is to stop having a go. Go ahead with your plans, house hunt, get it down to 2 and give him the choice of a or b. If he wants to view them fine, if not, he can move in without seeing.

Instead of sitting bak frustrated he's stopping things happening, make what you want to happen real, and he can just follow. It's annoying but changing him will be harder and more sressful and cause more relationship pproblems imo.

Maybe whe you get into the swing of choosing what you want and giving him a token nod at the end he'll actually prove to be more intrested/helpful?

Thing is, It will take me ages to sve the money without him, as I py for all the food shopping plus my loan etc etc, which eats up most of my wages each month, I'd need at least 2000 (probbly more - 6 weeks rent as deposit, plus a month in dvance, which is standard round here) to even move out, nd that's not including removal costs etc etc etc

He doesn't hve a great deal of responsibilty t work - my job is more stressfukl thn his, even though I am in a more junior position ( we work for the sme compny) as my jopb requires keeping to tight deadlines, and I work from home most of the time, and I am often up til the small housr trying to get stuff finished. I cn't cope with the stress of moving house on my own while trying to sort out my work and look fter my boys (who re just 3 and 15 months, so still very dependant) I need his support, but I am not getting it

well try a slightly different variation - find a couple of houses, may not necessarily be the house, given the time needed to save etc then say you want to move, into something like this, thises are the figures, tell him how much you together will need to save and how much pm.

Then tell him it's happening, what he needs to do to make it happen. I don't mean do the saving up and move on your own without support, I mean do the leg work and decision making for you both. sure it's unfair you have to do it, but the alternative is still being in the same place this time next year and brimming over with anger and resentment. You make the decision then tell him what he needs to do to make it happen.

I lrready am brimming over with anger and resentment

I am fucked off tht he cn't be rsed to mke like better for our kids, and for me.