Break-up

[Sarjo75]

I was dating someone recently-only for a few weeks. I really liked him at times. We had an amazing date (fourth) but he was coming on very strong, even saying he might love me, but things were fraught with misunderstandings. I think he has some possible anxiety issues and maybe autism. He told me he didn’t drink, or rarely, but in past did and would get into fights (but said he’s now a changed person). Then he went out with workmates and got so drunk he couldn’t remember getting home. When I challenged him on it (in quite a critical way) he said I was creating too many issues and almost bolted out of my house, to which I got really upset. He then called and ended it with me saying we weren’t understanding one another. Despite all of this I can’t get over him and want to contact him yet am scared if I do all the turmoil will be back. Is it worth suggesting a coffee just to chat? I can’t sleep or stop thinking about it, or function.

He did you a favour here by ending it. Bullet well and truly dodged.

Your boundaries here need more work, did it not put you off completely knowing that he’s had (and really for all you know still has) issues around alcohol?.

Why would someone like this pique your interest so, you cannot act as a rescuer or saviour here in a relationship because neither approach works. He is not a project either so do not make him yours.

I think you need to heal from this, he sounds awful, full of shit that he's grown out of fights when he clearly hasn't and doesn't like it because you've said something, he sounds like an immature twat, I guarantee you if you allow him back in your life you'll be back at square one again, all upset again in no time, he isn't worth it.
Avoid men like him would be my advice.

The alcohol thing didn’t put me off as he said it was in the past, and never once drank around me. The work thing was a Xmas do and he said it was a one-off (there was no fight) but yes this did concern me-but he said I was being overly critical and making too much of it and upped and left.

He piqued my interest because we initially got on really well, v attracted to each other, everything felt really romantic and like it was heading into a relationship (although him talking about love on the fourth date was concerning) …however, the day after he had been talking about love he seemed to back off (denied it later when I tried to end it) based on some vulnerabilities of mine I told him about.

Thanks though, I really needed to hear that, was literally minutes away from texting him. I think I’m partly just lonely and he was offering me (at one point ) exactly what I was yearning.

Again I would urge you to read about red flags in relationships along with love bombing. Do also work on raising your boundaries higher through seeing a therapist if necessary before embarking on any further relationship. You’ve dodged a bullet here thankfully this time around.

Love your own self for a change. Embarking on a relationship out of loneliness or because a man has told you what you want to hear is a very bad idea.

Thank you. Believe it or not I know all this stuff as I’m a bloody psychologist who has had lots of therapy 🙄🙄… unfortunately I don’t seem to see things clearly at all when I’m in it myself and emotions are involved. Maybe more therapy…anyway, at least I’m out of it.

Ps re the immaturity-he’s 50 years old!! never married, no kids-I guess now I know why!

50 years old and still acts like a young lad, no one has wanted to marry and have children with him because he wouldn't be able to provide any security. Honestly bin the men that behave like this, they are no hope to anyone wanting a relationship, you can't change them when they've been like this their whole lives.
Keep dating, you know the ones to avoid, you will find someone better.

Thank you so much. I’ve just blocked him from all my social media. I was getting obsessed …he’s on there all the time so either trying to get a reaction from me or chatting with someone else already. Good riddance.

If you were considering going back to someone with whom you had a 'fraught with misunderstandings' relationship for just a few weeks, you need to spend some time looking at what sort of relationship you want.

The only relationship conclusion that psychotherapy or counselling will bring you to is 'Be with someone with whom you feel consistently good.'

If he wasn't doing that for you, why would you be interested in contacting him again? What would you expect him to bring to your life?

I think it’s because I’ve been accepting the blame and thinking if we tried again and I was less critical things would be good like they were at one point. He convinced me I was being excessive in my reaction.

If you're harking back to 'the good old days' of a relationship that's a few weeks long, it's not a relationship worth having.

Honestly in such early stages I'd just cut my losses. You want to find someone perfect - of course no one is actually perfect but we most of us at least try to appear that way for a couple of
months - if he seems dodgy after a few weeks then I'd forget it. This is his A game, don't think his prospects are great in 18 months if he starts out like this. Life is short and relationships are hard, it doesn't sound like you are particularly well suited. Good luck with whatever you decide. I hope it goes well for you.

I’ve cut my losses. Thanks to this chat I’ve had the strength to cut him off and I already feel much better. Thank you! I’ve been way too nice to this guy after how he’s been with me. Reeks of narcissism actually.

When I look back, the good part was just an act, sadly.