Am I in the wrong to go no contact with my mom?

[Passmealargewine]

Sorry if this is going to be a bit of a long ramble but I'm trying to get my head around a situation I'm in and not sure if I'm handling it in the right way.

My mom & I have always had a bit of a difficult relationship. I have a sister & from what Ive read it's very much a classic golden child/scapegoat situation. There's always been this underlying feeling that I was never good enough. I've read the stately homes thread & can relate so much to it.

I'm in my 30s now & have managed to maintain a decent relationship to this point. I still always felt second best at times but we were still a reasonably close family. However, my dad got ill last year. Its likely it could have been cured but he has refused any treatment. Obviously it's been a really tough time & it has caused a divide in the family. This situation with my dad has triggered something & its like the mask has slipped. my mom hates him & wants everyone else to hate him too. I'm struggling with that, I don't agree with his decision but he's my dad & I don't want to turn my back on him.

My mom has been awful to me, I did everything I could think of in the beginning to support her yet none of it was enough. She said some really cruel things to me, I tried to accept that she was hurting & lashing out but it got too much. Her & my sister started excluding me, she wasn't telling me anything & I realised she was telling people negative things about me, twisting it all around to make out I was 100% the bad daughter. I decided to take a bit of a step back, she made it clear she didn't want or appreciate my support, it just seemed to make her angrier.

I'm just completely devastated. It's got worse, my sister won't talk to me anymore because of the things my mom has said about me, wider family are cold with me & my mom continues to be awful, she will send me nasty messages which I generally ignore yet shes telling everyone I'm the one being cruel & horrible for not supporting her. What really hurts is that everyone just seems to have accepted it. Nobody has reached out to me, or questioned anything she's said. They all seem to readily believe that I'm a horrible person.

I've already gone a bit lower contact with her but it just seems to fuel the abuse. She stalks my social media through another family member & sends me sarcastic messages if I post anything. The stress is making me ill & I've decided to start counselling this year to try & help.

I suppose my dilemma is, what the hell do I do? I want so much to fix things but I don't think I can. I'm struggling to come to terms with it all. I feel I need to walk away for my own mental health but how much of an awful person am I to do that to a woman with an ill husband? Should I just suck it up & keep trying to be there for her & let her keep lashing out at me? I think its just her coping mechanism but I don't know how much is reasonable to take

You perhaps remind your mother in some ways of your father, a man whom she has always hated. Women like your mother as well cannot do relationships at all.

You absolutely need to keep your distance now, both mental and physical, from your mother and sister (a carbon copy of your mother). That is the only way you will get any decent treatment from either. It is not possible to have a relationship with people who are this disordered of thinking. Their warped narrative i.e. you're the problem is one they will stick to like glue because it suits them to do so. Other family relatives can be weak and fall into line with the narcissist also because they are that easily manipulated and do not want to be involved or themselves targeted to be abused. I am certain that one or two wider family members have their own private based suspicions re your mother. What are your dad's side of the family like; do you have any support there?.

Re your comment:-
" She stalks my social media through another family member & sends me sarcastic messages if I post anything"

This other family member now needs to be blocked too, that person is allowing their own self to be used as a "flying monkey". The FM does not interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored. At the very least your privacy settings need to be raised urgently and it may be an idea to remove yourself from social media altogether. Block any and all ways of either your mother and sister being able to contact you. Do not further suck it up and put yourself in her firing line. You are not her whipping boy. You deserve and should have a life free from being so abused.

Your mother does not want your help or support and with you fully out of the picture hopefully your mother and sister will then turn on each other. Forget about this whole idea of fixing things because its a rabbit hole to go down. Your mother will never admit any fault or wrongdoing on her part re you and she would need years of therapy in any case, not that this would be of much benefit either. Narcissists tend not to do very well in therapy.

You're not wrong or a bad person if you walk away. You shouldn't put the feeling of guilt towards an abusive person over your own health, especially when it's someone who should be anything but.

I'm no contact with mine and is cutting me up inside but she left one day in a temper.
All my life she put me down and made me feel worthless. Too many to go into detail.
But it's not where I want to be at all.

You need to read this book, it literally changed my way of dealing with my mother. I have stopped waiting for her to love me and now treat her like a distant relative. It’s liberating .

Sounds like a very difficult situation with your dad but no reason for mum/ sister to be horrible to you. Counselling sounds like a very very good idea

Hi OP, I speak from the experience of going NC with my dad after a big family fall out - his choice initially and I didn't make peace for a number of years. He told everyone who would listen a complete pack of lies about what a horrible person I was - all the family and many family friends. I hope my experience of this can help you.

At the time, the situation broke me. I wondered what was lacking in me that I couldn't maintain a relationship with my poor old dad.

I speak from the other side of this. There is nothing you can do. I don't think you can fix things. The naive or manipulated in your family believe what they are told or go along with it because your mother is who she is. The good people may come through in the end. If you're like me, you will eventually fully realise that all of this is down to your mother so you shouldn't feel bad about not 'supporting' her. She plays a game that is based on playing with fear, obligation and guilt on your part. She enjoys playing the game - but it needs two players. Disengage and rise above it.

Be wary of 'flying monkeys' you need to cut them off or ignore them. Also the many people who thankfully have never had a toxic relative who try to reassure you, excuse your mum's behaviour or tell you 'you only get one mum' and encourage you to reconcile.

I now see my dad maybe once or twice a year and it's...fine. I'm happy at where it's got to. He can no longer manipulate me although he tries - it's easier to spot for me now and I just see it for what it is and bat it away. Time and distance from him have helped a great deal.

I really feel for you. Just keep your head high. Family estrangement is more common than you think, you're not alone. Seek out the good people in your life and spend your emotional energy with them. You'll be rewarded.

Block her on social media and temporary block the family member who's account she uses to see your posts. This sounds like a classic narcissistic smear campaign and if that's the case I'd be going no contact and reaching out to one family member you trust to make sure at least not everyone is sucked into the lies.

Thank you so much for the replies. I think I know deep down what I need to do im just struggling to accept it. I think its just really hit home over Christmas, seeing families all getting together. Our Christmases used to be like that.

In answer to your question @AttilaTheMeerkat I'm not overly close to my dads side of the family but we are in contact a little. I have mentioned the situation to a couple of cousins briefly but not gone into any detail. & you are completely spot on with your comment about my sister being a carbon copy of my mom.

& thank you for the book recommendation @Strictlydusting I will definitely try to give that a read

I’m always drawn to these threads, as I’m experiencing something similar, but not as obvious as your situation, ie my mother is very subtle, and passive aggressive, and makes me out to be a bad person to her friends and extended family, has a ‘golden child’, and runs m3 down as being useless and awful, which sh3 has done my whol3 life, resulting in me having very low self esteem. It’s taken me years to realise she is a narcissist, I’m where you’re at - I feel i need to cut off from her as I suffer anxiety when around her, and I’m so sad I can’t fix things. I place a lot of importance on family, and am struggling to make the break, because I’m not sure if it will make me feel better. It’s hard isn’t it OP?

Been here and could have written your post OP.

I went fully NC with my mother over a decade ago and it has been utterly blissful. She pops her head up from now and then through various flying monkeys and harasses friends but I think she's now manager to exhaust all those avenues to the point she's given up for now.

She'll never realise she's the one at fault, and still believes that my 12 year old self deserved her abuse etc but I'm over that now. I give 0 shits what she thinks and instead focus on being the mother to my daughter I wish I'd had.

Go NC. You won't regret it.

Sorry to all the other posters that have experienced similar. It really is shit isn't it!

Go no-contact! It's awful initially, but then liberates you in a way you could never imagine.

I'm no contact with my DM after 4 decades of emotional abuse. It took me far too long to go no contact; I started putting clear boundaries in place & she reacted extremely badly.
I was not prepared for her to play emotional games with my DC.
Haven't seen or spoken to her for around 4 years.

It was excruciatingly painful, especially when all my other relatives fell in line with my DM.
I have contact with my very emotionally unavailable, hermit of a dad a few times a year, but otherwise I have no family.
I wouldn't have it any other way.

I grieved for the mother I would have wanted, not the reality of the mother I had.
I got therapy to help me process so much harm & pain & it was life changing.
I'm calmer, less angry, and far more content not having to tolerate a family who never really loved or liked me.
I have a husband & DC who I adore & who love me unconditionally.

It's not an easy path, OP, but you deserve better than the treatment you are accepting.
Block everyone that gives her a route to you & let them talk behind your back if they like.
Not your problem.
Get yourself to a place where it becomes a case of mind over matter. You don't mind & they don't matter

See it as you needing to put yourself first for the people that need you, You need to be mentally strong for them.

I've recently blocked my sister because I reached 'peak shit' from her. Doesn't mean I'm not grieving though.

I recommend Sherrie Campbell's Book called 'But it's your family.. cutting ties with Toxic Family members and Loving Yourself in the aftermath'

She has a Facebook page where she posts her wisdom too.

This book.....

Hi

I could write your post but in my case my father passed away years ago leaving me, my mother and my sister in some kind of drama triangle. I am the scapegoat, my sister is the golden child although even my mother will say how selfish my sister is and then there's my mother who has made herself a life that would easily fold lime a house of cards if people realised the gaslighting and narcissism behind it. The thing is I see my mother's inner child and know how hurt she was as a child/teen/adult and I want to be supportive but unfortunately she fails to realise that as I know she lies that it's useless trying to lie to me.

I went non contact at the end of October, and am grieving for the loss of this family everyone seems to have. I have sobbed myself to sleep at times and yet I'm not hung up by the stress of not performing my part correctly etc.

You’ve posted before

About visiting your dad.

All invited to your sisters wedding
30 guests
And everyone lied to you and said it was a small wedding and you stayed at your parents and looked after the dogs

@Excitedforthefuture no I've not posted before.