AIBU to be up with DSis’s behaviour

[Redwhitepink]

So I’ve been a single mum to my dd (17) for the last 10 years. No family apart from DSis and her family ( husband and 2 children 10 & 16). Not once in all those 10 years had my DSis shown any interest in seeing just me when DD is at her dads.
However a few months ago (now that she and bil are now not getting on) she says wants to see me when Dd is away as she wants time away from her Dh.
Also she says she can’t leave bil as they can’t afford it will wait until children have left home a s yet she quite clearly can’t stand him. However they quite clearly have plenty of spare money.
AIBU to a. feel a bit “used” as she suddenly wants to see me and b.feel sad that her my niece and nephew live in such a hostile environment?

Bump

I don't think YABU but I would want to dig abit deeper and find out why she's wanting to spit from her husband. Has he been abusive? It may have been that he is very controlling and possessive and had made it difficult for her to see other adults by herself, including you, because he felt threatened by her other relationships? Maybe he wasn't so worried about her seeing both you and your DD? As I say, I'd want to find out a bit more before I made my mind up is she using me or not.
That said, some people do use others, even close family and friends. Does she have form for using others? Were ye ever close and was she ever someone you could rely on in the past? It's a tricky one; let us know how it pans out OP and all the best.

Ummmm or she is reaching out for support to a family member when she needs it, and you are making it about you and your judgements?

Sorry - if she had refused to support you when you wanted time with her, was exploitative or down putting to you in some way, did mean things to you etc then was demanding you go out of your way for her, then that would be unreasonable.... but daring to ask to speak with you alone, after no history of her mistreating you in any way??? And you're in the huff? Sorry -
Don't get it OP. Unless you are about to drop feed a ton of stuff, then ow about just be there for her and listen and support a bit?

Drip feed

@2Gen
no, he’s none of those things if what’s she’s telling me is true - which I think it is. He seems very supportive and loving towards her but she constantly criticises him. I think maybe they’ve just grown apart which is really sad.

Not once in all those 10 years had my DSis shown any interest in seeing just me when DD is at her dads.

Did you show any interest?

@BraveGoldie thank for your reply but as I said she’s shown no interest in me and the things I’ve gone through in the last 10 years. There’s been many a time I could have done with her support but texts and phone calls were regular completely ignored.

Once you are divorced or raising kids on your own, friends and family start approaching you for advice and support when they want to leave but do not know how.

Looking at the support I received (and didn’t, I must add) when in the same predicament I always lend an ear as I know very well what is it like to be in their position.

I wouldn’t be so sure the husband is great and lovely, most people look like that to outsiders, but once you start digging down…

Ps. I have only received judgement and criticism from my mother and siblings after divorce, I can count with the fingers of my hands the calls I have received from them in the last 10 years but… I would help if I was asked either to help them see things from a different perspective or to help them to get out if the situation is beyond repair.

@WorraLiberty yes - many times - see my post below.
“There’s been many a time I could have done with her support and friendship but texts and phone calls were regular completely ignored”

@GrandmasCat I’m not sure why it’s the assumption that it’s her husband is the one causing the problem!!!

YANBU, you can either agree to see her or not. It’s up to you.

Tell her no thanks when she wants to come down to see you if you don’t want to see her.

She’s made her bed.

[quote Redwhitepink]@GrandmasCat I’m not sure why it’s the assumption that it’s her husband is the one causing the problem!!![/quote]
It's mumsnet. It had to be the man's fault.

Yanbu but if it was my sister I would still like to help her. If she takes advantage or says stuff that isn't right, then you can make excuses.

[quote Redwhitepink]@WorraLiberty yes - many times - see my post below.
“There’s been many a time I could have done with her support and friendship but texts and phone calls were regular completely ignored”[/quote]
Ok well that is different from your first post.
My brother and I haven't met each other one to one in years / we both have kids and it's natural to meet with kids. But I know if either of us needed support and an adult conversation, then the other would do that unhesitatingly.

If she ignored your requests for support in the past, then you have a choice. Be an equally rubbish sister in response now/ revenge... and always be distant with each other. Or tell her you were really hurt by her lack of support - especially as she is now turning to you. See if she apologises. If so, be the bigger person and support her a little and hopefully you will grow closer.

But you do sound a bit set against her, in which case maybe the most compassionate thing to do, if she is going through marriage trouble is simply let her turn to other people for support.

@BraveGoldie thanks. I’m not set against her at all! Just a bit fed up with her attitude with this.

[quote Redwhitepink]@GrandmasCat I’m not sure why it’s the assumption that it’s her husband is the one causing the problem!!![/quote]
Not really, when a marriage ends, it is always the fault of both parties. And that ranges from growing apart to ignoring your partner for so long due to be consecrated to the children or to work or hobbies that by the time you reach out to the other… you don’t have anything left to talk about.

I really don’t buy the idea that there is an innocent party on splits. Your BIL may be fantastic but not what your sister needs or wants. Nobody is perfect, people keep growing and sometimes they grow in different directions that eventually separate them.