Struggling

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I've split with my husband of 5 years. He's an alcoholic, ever since his dad died when I was pregnant with our eldest he lost control of his relationship with alcohol and he's never got it back. Its been up and down and he's tried but he's really bad at the moment. Also struggling with depression and severe anger issues. Some of his behaviour has been aggressive and awful - smashing stuff in front of the kids, screaming at me, throwing stuff at me. He goes between being so so sorry and apologetic and desperate to change, to being nasty and horrible and fighting me on everything.

Weve been living apart for nearly a year now (and it was on and off before then) but there have still been incidents where he's been abusive in front of the kids even since he moved out. We have a 3 year old and a nearly 1 year old together - he cant take the baby without me because shes breastfed and more so because he's never really developed a relationship with her- its hard so he doesn't bother. He takes the 3 year old to the park or his mums but I cant let him have her in the evening or overnight because of his drinking, and sometimes I have to stop him taking her when I can see he's over the limit from the night before. But contact with me there is not great either because he can sometimes be horrible to me which I don't want them to see, and because my nerves are absolutely shot to pieces with him in my home all the time.

Were not divorced yet because I'm absolutely terrified of it going to court. I've got some evidence of DV (no physical violence but everything else) including texts from him admitting to some of it and photos of damage. Ive got a log going back years. He also has an awful criminal record and has been to prison for assault (this was painted to me in a very very different light before we got married and I stupidly believed him). However, he took his ex to court for access and he won, despite all of this. He now has his daughter eow, alternate birthdays and Christmases despite her not wanting to go and him not looking after her properly (when she came here she wouldn't brush her teeth for the whole week for example, he wouldn't make her and would have a go at me if I tried. There's a million examples like that). He would also try his best to stop her mum speaking to her at all over Christmas- I used to make sure she could and it caused awful rows. I'm terrified of this happening with my girls. Its keeping me up at night. He wouldn't take care of them properly and there's a huge chance something awful would happen due to his drinking and cocaine use. Also the baby in particular would be terrified and miss me dreadfully - the 3 year old adores him but thats because he does absolutely no parenting just buys sweets and takes her on the swings. He would 100% go for eow just to spite me - he keeps using it as a weapon to scare me if I do something he doesn't like. To be fair he does absolutely adore them, but as little playmates. He's never done any of the work ever, with them or his other kids. He will just sit and get drunk and have a laugh with them, giving them sweets and having the TV on then pass out drunk and leave them to it.

But the court will give him unsupervised access. I know they will. Then I won't have any control to protect them. So I'm stuck. What can I do? I've tried to keep things okay with him to keep him in AA and therapy, acting like we won't get divorced etc but he is absolutely destroying my mental health and its not good for the kids to see the arguments and the nastiness towards me when hes having a bad day.

Any ideas? There's noone else to supervise contact - his mum is another heavy drinker with massive dogs who has only met the baby twice and isn't really interested in the toddler. His dad is dead. My family think I need to keep him away from the kids and womens aid have said the same, but I dont think it would push him into sorting himself out, I think it would push him into taking me to court, and then I couldn't protect my babies from him at all. Hes done anger management and parenting courses in the past and thinks its all a big joke, talks a good talk but doesn't listen to a word. Comes across very very charming in person, I was so so fooled.

What the hell do I do? He wasn't always like this, I wish he would go back to the person I fell in love with at least for the kids sake. But this person he is now, part of me wishes he would just fuck off away and never ever come back

Thank you @Bonster37 and @abw94 my family will happily pay for a solicitor and I'm going to get some advice this week. It just scares me to death that once its been through court if they make the wrong choice then I'm screwed. At least now I still have control.

Sounds like you had poor parenting yourself. Or you wouldn't put up with such crap.

Plenty of help for you on here.

Sorry you are having such a difficult time OP. I don’t think PP comments are helpful, you made bad judgements / decisions, we’ve all been guilty of that at some point.

What’s important now is your age DC future. I think producing evidence of DV, alcohol and drug use would have more impact than you think and it’s well within your right to contact social services as necessary.

You need to find the strength and courage to divorce this man. Give yourself that freedom, you will get your share of the savings and you can begin to move on. Unfortunately you will always be tied to this man because of the DC but you have it in your power to do it without being married to him. The way you have described him it is highly unlikely he would get eow. You should start with legal advice and go from there

@justbegoodforme don't worry, hes long left. He moved out the first time he smashed a window and briefly moved back in during lockdown 1 after a few months sober. Within 6 months he had completely relapsed and he moved back out in March this year and has been couch surfing since. The house is 100% mine (inheritance) which I've never been more grateful for but thats another thing that scares me in a divorce, whether he could take our home too. I couldn't buy him out I haven't got a bean

Thank you @Nostrings457 and @justcleaningthebbq

You can do this.
He can't take your home.
I'd like to punch him.

@13yearslater me too

Where's he living?

@13yearslater OP has already said sofa surfing

Leave the marriage. Lean on the help and support of those around you and Refuge/Women or whomever will help and advise. Take each day as it comes and deal the obstacles as they arise.
Not being complacent, as it will be difficult if the Court grant more access than you would like, at the start, however, you may be surprised at what comes about. So many women and children have been through this and not all as bad as envisaged.

I was asking for his address

He has a criminal record. History of violence in front of the children. You have evidence of some of his abusive behaviour.

I’d be very surprised if he’s granted any unsupervised access at all to his children. He sounds like a shit example of a father figure and an even shitter example of a kind, decent, emotionally well-adjusted partner anyway.

So fight tooth and nail to get him out of their lives. And yours.

We could all go round there and ask him for some gear.

He might have some and he'd hand it over to us, with all our kids in tow, and we could video the whole thing!

@13yearslater what are you doing? First you criticise the OP and now you’re coming across as all supportive.. Don’t mess with the OP’s head; she doesn’t need that and has had enough of that from her husband already.

@ShinyGreenElephant sending you lots of support and hope some of the PP’s advice is helpful for you 💪🏻💪🏻💐💐

@DancinOnTheCeiling thank you. I'll speak to womens aid again tomorrow and start looking at a solicitor maybe just for an initial chat for now

Sounds like a plan @ShinyGreenElephant. Good luck and keep us posted xx