shit some really good friends are divorcing due to his infidelity...

[CountessDraculaboredofxmasname]

I just found out today

I feel so sad for them but he has been a pig. He is one of my oldest friends, I knew him and his dw separately but they are both good friends. I feel like ringing him and screaming at him but I know that is awful. They are not the sort of friends we see all the time.

How can I support her?

I guess I just ignore him for now, but I am his friend too and he is in a bad place, should I call him?

ARGH

what is it with men when they hit 40???

Why do they all need this ego boost?

I would leave it a bit before I rang or else I agree, might be tempted to get cross, although that might be what he needs, some truths from an old friend.
What an idiot to throw it all away.
Call him if you want to , but perhaps leave it just a bit

Phoning her and talking to her will show her your support. Also, making sure she isn't on her own over the festivities.

God, people are complete arses aren't they?

If you are friends to both you must support both but not take sides.

Apparently it started in 2006 and he kept on with the affair, she had to find out so many times that he was lying again

They have been through hell by the sounds of things but it sounds like he doesn't have the balls to try hard enough to make it work.

I think I will leave him for a bit

I have invited her and her mum over on boxing day

No i wouldnt call him, he sounds as if he has destroyed his family with his idiotic mid life crisis. Why the f* can't men stroke their ego's by buying themselves a new car/motorbike/whatever instead of proving their still stud muffins? What an idiot.

Give his poor wife all the support you can. If they don't live too far you could offer to look after their children so she can get down the solicitors/benefits place etc. Anything practical like that really helps. No doubt she will be in bits and not thinking straight.

As you can probably tell I have absolutely no sympathy for people in committed relationships who can't keep their "hands on their ha'penny". He deserves whatever misery is coming to him.

Rant over!

She has told me about it. She doesn't want us to take sides. I am SO ANGRY with him though, but it's none of my biz I know.

Luckily they have no kids

It may be impossible not to be seen to take sides, especially if they each confide in you.
I feel for you. Difficult situation

Takes a man to stay and have a relationship.
Immature at 40, a boy still, sad really

It changes the whole family and friendship dynamic irrevocably. DH still won't have anything to do with one of his oldest friends because of the way he treated his wife - it's naive to say don't take sides or don't be judgemental - no-one can help how they feel in this situation - sorry you are angry.

I just can't believe that when his wife was so forgiving he just chucked it all back in her face repeatedly. That is what I am so angry about. Anyone can make a mistake but to keep on hurting her like that makes me think that he must be a total wanker.

Oh Drac,

Poor you, poor them, it will change the dynamics of your friendship with him in the long term.

She has contacted you, so I would support her. Equally however do not go too far down that road, I supported someone for nigh on a year we took her on holidays with us(DH and I)

Too long and too boring to go into here.

But it turns out all the time for the last three months that I was trying to bouy her up and avoid telling her he was with the village bike. She knew.

It took a lot of energy, and as it was the same year I had cancer and radio, after that I dumped her as gently as I could because she was sucking the life out of me.

Not saying it will be the same, but be cautious.

sounds crappy drac. sorry you're dealing with the fall out

thanks

She only told me because I called to arrange our usual xmas meet-up in our home town. She said she has hardly told anyone (which I can understand). She sounds pretty philosophical about it, they ahve been through lots of counselling etc.

I just feel so sad for her and I know I should feel sad for him but I feel like punching him

Umm why not take sides why does he need support sounds like he fucked up...his problem his behaviour his mess!!

Hard not to take sides when one has been an asshole and the other is a victim of that - it's not like just drifting apart/falling out of love, is it?

Just be nice to her and cool with him for the time being - that's not taking sides, that's being pragmatic.

Oh CD how difficult - have had 2 similar situations but both a bit easier for me..

Good frineds DH had an affair and they ended up divorced - although I really liked him he wasn;t my firend really she was so I supported her and have stayed friends with her and not him.

another set of frineds divorced when he was my friend and had been for years. I knew he had been unfaithful in the past but that wasn't why the marriage broke up. Ultimately he and I stayed friends (was nearly 20 years ago now) and she and I havent can't say why really its just the way it worked out.

If you are friends with her and she's local and she conaantacted you then I would say support her for the time being. If he contacts you you are presumably close enough to be honest with him and say that you feel you need to support her as she is the wronged party. If your friendship with him is strong enough then it will survive in teh long run.

yes I agree he made his bed etc.

I don't want to make his life worse though by being horrid to him when he least needs it.

oh dear. I probably would call him to see how he is. Perhaps he was weak (the chucking it back in her face) rather than deliberately manipulative (no excuse I know). Dunno.