Recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship

[mummyruby]

Hi all,

Just some advice please. My ex left me and our two kids at the beginning of 2021. Logistically it's been really hard but even with a toddler and full time job, my mental health is so much better than it was with him.
The problem is, that it's taken this long for me to realise just how emotionally abusive he was. To the extent that I sometimes have what could be described as PTSD in that certain things trigger flashbacks of things he's said and done or if I see him or have a conversation with him (about the kids), I sometimes feel physically sick.
When I look back I realise now that he would compliment me (e.g. for being a good mum / attractive to him but put me down in equal measure e.g. telling me I was lazy despite, working full time, cleaning, cooking meals from scratch, doing the weekly shop, booking kids appointments , doing playdates, keeping on top of all the bills nd supporting my own parents while he did nothing.
Now, I wouldn't say I'm depressed, I'm lucky enough to have amazing family, friends and children I just feel like I'm only now processing how bad things were.
Recently, I tried to address this with him and bought up examples of things he did and said that were abusive and hurtful but for each, he tried to convince me I got my facts wrong or misheard what he said!
I don't want my kids to know how I feel about their dad and I want to just move on with my life but just one flashback or dodgy call with him can really affect me. Will this get any better?

It will get better but it will take time.

One foot in front of the other, just keep walking. Focus on your future.

Stop looking to the person who abused you to heal you.

Don't discuss abuse with the person who abused you again. You will no get any closure by doing this. Only more abuse the form of minimising and gaslighting and general headfuckery.

Cut contact with him down to a bare minimum.

It will get better. But you have to make your own recovery by surrounding yourself with good and supportive people and removing toxic elements.

From now on be your own advocate. No one gets to treat you like shit again and stay in your life.

Throughout life, educate yourself on how to spot abuse. And how to spot abusive people. Not only as partners but in other capacities too.

That's how you recover, by learning how to spot them in future and trusting yourself to remove them as and when they show up.

This is a really useful book for recovering from an EA relationship.

www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Free-Abuse-Take-Back/dp/1580051227?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

From what I have read these flashbacks and gradual realisations are a feature of abusive relationships…I have them too, in fact it was increasingly frequent and vivid memories of one incident that made me realise I had to take the DC and leave. Like yours, my not-quite ex now minimises them, although at the time he apologised…and this makes it hard to hold on to what I remember; for my own sanity I have decided not to discuss any of it with him further.

A poster on another thread said flashbacks are the brain trying to resolve things, to learn for the future to help us not get involved in the same difficulties; hopefully eventually they will fade for both of us

@Pinkbonbon really useful advice, thank you 😊

I went through this 3 years ago
At the time I was getting replies from MN that it will get better etc

It really does I promise you

You are already seeing him for what he was which is so difficult to do when your in the relationship

Stop asking him for answers - you won’t get anything remotely reasonable or any sort of apology

You have to look at it that it’s his problem and not yours and draw a line

Deal with him for the sake of your kids but don’t discuss your past relationship with him

Yes you may still have feelings for him but something I’ve learnt is it’s ok to love someone but not at the cost of your MH

PM if you need x

@adollopofthisandthat

From what I have read these flashbacks and gradual realisations are a feature of abusive relationships…I have them too, in fact it was increasingly frequent and vivid memories of one incident that made me realise I had to take the DC and leave. Like yours, my not-quite ex now minimises them, although at the time he apologised…and this makes it hard to hold on to what I remember; for my own sanity I have decided not to discuss any of it with him further.

A poster on another thread said flashbacks are the brain trying to resolve things, to learn for the future to help us not get involved in the same difficulties; hopefully eventually they will fade for both of us

That’s really interesting. I am personally suffering with these a lot at the moment, even waking in the night with them. Emailed a counsellor yesterday!

I tried many times while in the relationship to explain to my husband why his behaviours were upsetting me and even that I had been told he was abusive. I mistakenly thought that if I explained things, he would be reasonable and understand why I was unhappy and change or agree to separate. It just made him more horrible!
Don’t discuss anything with him. He will never be sorry and will use it against you.
I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks too, recently and I’m going to organise some counselling for myself to help make sense of it all. I don’t think I can do it alone.

oprah book "what happened to you" - explains ptsd and trauma and it is amazing.

i'm so glad you're not in an abusive relationship any more.

Thank you all so much for your replies, advice and for sharing your own stories.

I know some of my anxiety also comes from me telling myself at times how ridiculous I was for not seeing the red flags and wasting all those years and feeling guilty that my kids aren't seeing their dad daily (self-abuse perhaps?) But, you are absolutely right though OPs - I do need to stop looking to heal me. Its a hard pill to swallow but abusers don't care how you feel and if I'm honest I've always hoped that deep he would see the error of his ways and just say sorry (and mean it).

I'll check out those books and this week and will see if I can get in touch with a counsellor too because I hate the fact that this he's still having this impact over me despite leaving us to it.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart 💓, I hope those of you going through the same get through this and that we can begin our own new chapters soon xx

I know some of my anxiety also comes from me telling myself at times how ridiculous I was for not seeing the red flags

But when the red flags were waving at you, the reason you didn't see them is because you told yourself you were being ridiculous. The ongoing pattern is you thinking that your feelings are ridiculous. This is self-disrespect of the highest order. If you are so willing to put down the importance of your feelings, then of course it will feel believable to you when he says you are just being silly.

Self respect means taking your feelings seriously, and acting on them. So if you tell someone your experience, and they often tell you you're wrong/mistaken/misheard/over reacting etc, then distance yourself from them. They're not listening to your feelings, or respecting them, and so they're not respecting you.

Good luck OP! 💖

Going through it myself. The worst thing you can do is discuss things with him. It won't change anything and will only mess with your head even further. It's not worth it.

Counselling would be great if you can manage it. Also the freedom programme