Power of attorney for semi-estranged parent

[PowerOfAttorneyNC]

NC for this.

Background - I've been semi-estranged from my parents for nine years. Very very LC (no IRL visits and only a very occasional email). Religious homophobia (I'm bi) was the catalyst but not the only reason. I don't know if I'd call them abusive, but they were definitely suffocating, controlling and blamed me for not being the exact ideal child they wanted.

My dad died last year and I went to the funeral despite only feeling relief that he was dead. It was the first time I'd seen my mum and sister in a decade and they essentially pretended the estrangement had... never happened? It was surreal, uncomfortable and triggering (my therapist has long recommended full NC).

My mum's health is now declining. In keeping with her denial that our relationship is anything other than completely normal she apparently wants me to have power of attorney (my sister isn't really up to the task mentally). A family friend has emailed telling me to take time off work to travel back to where my mum lives and sort out their financial affairs.

I can't take time off work, I have a very demanding job. Well... I think my company would actually give me compassionate leave, but my absence right now would leave them very short-staffed at a crucial time of year and frankly I don't want to take time off work for this. I'm also trying to buy a house at the moment and any leave I can grab will go towards that process. I don't drive (I live in a city), and getting to the rural area they live requires the best part of half a day and three separate changes of public transport.

I don't know the first thing about power of attorney, or what state her finances are in. How demanding is it in terms of time, emotion and possibly my own money? What happens if I say no, and there is no one else who could take it on? (My mum's family are paying for her care, they live abroad. That there is no better candidate in this country to have power of attorney than her semi-estranged daughter who she's seen once in a decade says a lot.) I don't know and don't care about any inheritance.

And despite the semi-estrangement there's still a lot of guilt I'd feel about essentially abandoning her.

If you are in UK
The forms are here www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

There is one for health & one for finances
£82 each

It takes several weeks to receive the paperwork back

Sorting out someone's finances and affairs is a hugely time consuming job. It is hard enough doing for a loved parent but doing for a estranged parent would be hard.

Do you think your mother feels at all guilty for the ways in which you've been treated since childhood?. No, not a bit of it. And besides which controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour regardless.

Deal with any FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) of your own here through therapy.

You can and actually should decline being involved in any aspect of this because of the lack of any sort of relationship between you and your mother. No good to you will come of at all being involved and you won't get any thanks whatsoever. Your legal responsibilities as power of attorney should not be at all underestimated in terms of both time and effort involved particularly if her P of A is invoked. There is a lot of work involved.

The "family friend" is acting as your mother's flying monkey here and should be ignored too as they do not have your interests at heart. Block this person from being further able to contact you.

Power of Attorney can only be granted if she is still of sound mind and if you are willing to be an attorney. You'd have to sign to say that you are willing and able to take up the role. If you aren't, on either count, you can't sign.

Anyone can be your mother's attorney(s). Anyone. The family friend could be her attorney. I'm an attorney for a friend - no relation whatsoever, just someone she trusts and I'm willing.

If you were in contact, it might be different, but if you are genuinely estranged, then you need to make your decision based on knowing the level of contact you will need if you do this.

I think you need to decide what will give you most peace in the long run.

Bear in mind also, that it's taking around 10-12 weeks at least for the Office of Public Guardian to process the applications, and that's after you've completed the forms, printed them, got a certificate provider and had the attorneys sign with witnesses. It isn't a quick process, so if she is rapidly declining, there may not be time anyway.

I'm semi estranged with my Dad.
There's no way I would take on POA for him.
You are effectively agreeing to running your Mum's life if she becomes incapable. Do you really want to do that?
You are not obligated to do this.

OP I worry about a similar scenario in the future. I have decided that absolutely no way would I take this on and open myself up for further abuse. Administering someone else's life admin takes up a lot of time and headspace and will draw you back into a position where she will be controlling, overbearing etc while you are trying to juggle your own life.

How demanding is it in terms of time, emotion and possibly my own money

A lot will depend on what state the finances are in currently and how involved your DM wants to be.

My late father handed his finances over to me a month or so before he died, the implication being that I would look after things for DM, who had never had to deal with these things.

He handed over his files and a list of all the assets. I set up accounts online for everything, so that I could operate them all remotely. Some needed to send an initial confirmation to the original address which I collected in due course.

Set up all bills on direct debit, paperless so that DM who couldn't tell the difference between an invoice and a statement would not panic when something arrived in the post.

This took a few weeks elapsed but only an hour or so of actual work.

But then, it was something I could do to balance the effort my sister put in. She lived much closer and did a lot of day to day stuff and taking to doctors appointments.

I had the POA but never actually used it because everything was online.

Mother and DSis were happy to leave it all to me, it was a small contribution for me. I know of other people whose parents needed the help but insisted on meddling and messing passwords etc up over and over again. I would only do it if I had a clear run and was left to myself.

Thanks to everyone for the replies.

If you were in contact, it might be different, but if you are genuinely estranged, then you need to make your decision based on knowing the level of contact you will need if you do this.

This is the wrinkle for me. Basically, I fucked up going full NC when I wanted to and when I should have. I left the door open after an almighty blow-up nine years ago in which I told them how angry I was with them. I expected an apology, or amends to be made, or at least some degree of self-awareness so that we could have a relationship on a new footing. I didn't expect them to back off completely apart from the occasional email in which they acknowledged nothing and pretended nothing had happened. But their backing off stopped me from cutting the cord completely because it was so out-of-character but also gave me some peace. I also regret going back for my dad's funeral (he died suddenly, I thought this was simply the sort of thing you had to do) which seemed to just encourage my mum and sister to pretend everything was OK even more. They seem to have told themselves that the reason I haven't visited in a decade and have emailed about once a year, if that, is because I simply have a busy job.

Declining power of attorney now would be cutting the cord completely, like I should've done 9 years ago, at what seems like the worst time to do so.

Can UK residents give power of attorney to people living abroad, who aren't UK citizens? If I knew one of my mum's relatives could handle it (and probably handle it better than I could), that would make this easier.

@AttilaTheMeerkat @Beamur thankyou, by the way, for saying this is not something I'm obligated to do. I feel like I'll need to return to that reminder.

Yes, a person who lives abroad can have power of attorney.

It is a demanding business. I have power of attorney for my mother and it feels like a heavy responsibility, though she was very canny when she was well and set everything up so that it's really straightforward - and it's still hard!

I would be worried that her affairs are in some sort of tangle that would be a huge burden. More likely she us using this to create an obligation that will mean you have to be in contact.

"Can UK residents give power of attorney to people living abroad, who aren't UK citizens? If I knew one of my mum's relatives could handle it (and probably handle it better than I could), that would make this easier."

Yes, they can. They have to be over 18 and of sound mind. They can't be an attorney for property and affairs if they are currently bankrupt or under a debt relief order.

A family friend has emailed telling me to take time off work to travel back to where my mum lives and sort out their financial affairs.
How very dare she!!? Tell her to take time off and sort out the financial affairs if she's that worried.
Do not get dragged into this. Keep well clear.

It's entirely possible the family friend has no idea about the semi-estrangement. I have no idea what my parents did or didn't tell anyone about my not visiting for nearly a decade. I did make small talk with her at my dad's funeral (chatting to someone who wasn't my family was probably the high point) and the email is nice enough. So in replying I'd have to open up that can of worms.

Thanks to @PermanentTemporary and @Lougle for the info, appreciated.

I have POA for two relatives. Your mum will need to fill all the forms out herself or get a solicitor to do them for her. Like other posters have said, it takes weeks to sort out. If you do decide to agree to this then you will have to go to all the banks your mum banks with and register the POA after you get it so you can access her finances. This takes about 10 days. You can't just get POA and rock up to the bank and demand access. You don't have to do anything else with the health POA. You don't actually need to do anything else after you've registered it with the banks. You could have POA and not use it at all. I've had POA for my mum for 12 years and never used it. You are not obligated to do anything even if you have POA but it's useful if you are going to have to sort stuff out if your mum is in hospital or incapacitated on some way. If you think any of this will fall to you (even if you wish it wasn't the case) then get it because it will save you a lot of grief in the long run.

It's entirely possible the family friend has no idea about the semi-estrangement.
If she is that much in the dark then why on earth is she getting involved, contacting you? It must be because your mum or sister set her up.
So in replying I'd have to open up that can of worms.
Why is it a 'can of worms'? Just say "no, I can't do it. Find someone else". Then block her, if you need to.