Stay or go?

[Whitehydrangea]

I'm not sure why I'm posting but looking at other threads has some really insightful responses that might give me the push I need.

I'm in a sexless marriage where we are more like friendly roomates than husband and wife . I've been wanting to leave for the last 18 months but the thought of starting again and blowing up my life terrifies me. So I stay stuck, unhappy and lonely.

He isn't a bad person just very blocked emotionally and almost robotic in how we live. We met when his kids from his first marriage were 10 & 12 and now they are grown up and not around much so our weekends seem empty and flat. His main focus is work. When he isn't working his focus is cycling, either being out on his bike or spending hours and hours fiddling with the precious bike in the garage or poring over youtubes and planning routes. When we met he wasn't really into his cycling at all. We occasionally went out cycling together but in the last couple of years he only wants to mountain bike and practice jumping etc. At 51 ffs.

We stopped having sex a couple of years ago. It was a perfect storm of ED and peri menopause and now there is no affection or touch at all. I arranged for us to have therapy but he refused to continue going after the therapist wanted to talk about emotions and he says he doesn't have emotions in that way, he's either OK or angry. If he's angry it's generally all my fault. As he refused to do any of the "home work" it was just a waste of time.

I keep trying to arrange for us to do fun things, planning walks, trips to the theatre etc. He plans nothing. I didn't realise how selfish he was until we hit the pandemic. As everyone else pulled together, helping out he just carried on doing his own thing. I had groceries to find for my elderly parents, for the vegetarian SD who returned back from uni suddenly etc, in addition to struggling with anxiety. He never once helped out or showed any type of concern for any of his family or friends. If I got upset he would leave me alone to 'sort myself out".

But on the plus side he is stable and has always contributed jointly to our expenses. I just realise that I am living a monochrome life devoid of colour. My sister thinks I would be a fool to leave and says he is nice enough and I should just get some more hobbies to fill the gaps in my life. She pointed out that most of our friends are now joint couple friends and I will have to literally start again, new house and new friends etc. It feels like a step too far.

It seems easy to say leave but the reality of leaving seems so scary.

Your relationship bar here has to be that low in order to write he is stable and has contributed jointly to our expenses. Its pretty much you scraping the barrel here searching for anything "positive" you can latch onto or otherwise label him with. Nothing there either about you actually loving and or respecting him. You sell yourself short by remaining with such a man.

Your sister is not married to him and I would be wondering what she learnt about relationships when she was growing up also if she thinks he's nice enough and that you should get some more hobbies.

I would have thought the reality of staying is far worse. What are you so afraid of regarding leaving?. Does this include for you fear of the unknown, fear of being alone?. You're pretty much alone now within this marriage as it is and being alone in a marriage is a pretty poor place to be in. Apart from anything else remaining with him actively stops you from meeting someone else.

I would urge you to face your fears head on through therapy and make plans over time to leave him. There is no point whatsoever in further wasting your life on such a selfish man who really does not give two hoots about you. After all, tomorrow is not promised to anybody.

I suspect your sister's marriage is also disappointing behind closed doors and she's reassuring herself by comparison that it's not as bad as yours. If you leave, she'll have to reassess her own position.

@AttilaTheMeerkat your first bit did make me laugh. He also walks the dog more than me and loads the dishwasher. 😂 I think I'm comparing him to the horrors i read on here who are abusive or unfaithful. My dad left mum when I was little so I know I don't have good role models on relationships. So thank you. I do need to reconsider my bars and what I'm prepared to live with.

The fear is of the unknown and being alone I guess. My lifestyle on my income only would be very different.

I am in the exact same situation…. Sexless marriage for many years, more than I care to admit, we don’t even try any more due to his ED which he will do nothing about. Won’t go to Dr or take viagra. I’ve given up. He does nothing around the house other than occasional cooking which he enjoys, though doesn’t tidy up after him, and he loads and unloads the dishwasher, which he likes to tell me he’s done!! I could go on….
Bottom line, I’ve decided I can’t and won’t live like this any more, and through counselling by myself for last 6 months have decided it’s over. I just need to work out finances, update my work skills so I can find a better paying job to support myself and DS.
I’ve read lots of advice and threads on this forum and there’s not much hope I’m afraid in a sexless marriage where one partner is not prepared to put in any effort. I think you may have to accept that there’s no way back. I’m already early 50s, DH mid 50s, and I don’t want to waste any more years.

I would add we also live like room mates, separate bedrooms etc…

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation my sister has a husband who does everything for her as she is the higher earner . So I don't think she can empathise with what I'm describing. For example, when I caught covid, dh refused to cancel or change any of his plans even though I was quite ill (his tests were negative) and my sisters dh ran around for her. She doesn't understand.

Me again… and yes it is very scary and I don’t know how the hell Im going to actually leave, but I have to for my own sanity. I have to believe there is a better future out there even if it means me working for many more years to afford it and living in smaller house and having less.
Please seriously think about yourself and your own happiness, that is not being selfish.

@ReeceWitherfork so sorry you are going through a similar thing. OH refused to use viagra as he was embarrassed. Toxic masculinity. It's difficult not to feel unattractive.

Fucking hell, op, you have so many years ahead of you. Is this really how you want to spend them? I know several women who left their husbands at a much more advanced age than you are now, and the only thing they regret is that they didn't leave years sooner. Don't be them, and a big Fuck Off to your sister. She doesn't have to live your life.

[quote Whitehydrangea]@ReeceWitherfork so sorry you are going through a similar thing. OH refused to use viagra as he was embarrassed. Toxic masculinity. It's difficult not to feel unattractive.[/quote]
The refusal to even try viagra is selfish, as is not going to Dr or counselling. My DH said embarrassment and not feeling like a man were his reasons. Of course that is understandable but why oh why wouldnt you want to sort things out?
And yes you feel undesirable and your self esteem and confidence is shattered. I’m sorry you are going through this too.

There are some responses to this post which mention there is no sex due to ED, often for many years. I do not wish to alarm anyone whose relationship is affected by this, but ED is often an early sign of kidney failure. My relationship ended last year, and my former partner has since been admitted to hospital with chronic kidney failure, so I have read up on it, and apparently the body copes for years with reduced kidney function, only showing symptoms when the condition becomes chronic. Looking back, my ex had all the classic symptoms of kidney failure, including ED (for ALL the 16 years we were together) shivering, lethargy and unintentional weight loss. I apologise in advance if I alarm anyone, just putting the info I have learned recently out there. Best wishes to all.

Deciding whether to leave or stay in any relationship is a deeply personal decision.
Yes restarting is hard. Financial impact is huge, and it can have repercussions on friendships (I eventually lost all my couples friends as no one wanted to entertain a sneaky single divorcee). Being alone takes some getting use to. Dating is no walk in the park, especially as you get older. So your sister isn’t entirely wrong.

There are of course possible upsides.

Having your own space is liberating. Rediscovering who you are outside of a non fulfilling relationship is fantastic. Having the potential of finding a fulfilling future (alone or with someone) is better than living a life where you are barely ‘tolerated’. It can be a very freeing experience. But IME it takes work to get there.

I would never advise anyone to stay in a relationship where they were unhappy. But I would want them to go into a split eyes wide open. It is no walk in the park. I separated from my exh over 6 years ago and to this day I still have moments of wishing for the easier togetherness of marriage.

But on the whole. I am happy. It’s not been easy though.

*recently not sneaky. Lol great autocorrect fail

@sassbott

*recently not sneaky. Lol great autocorrect fail

I did wonder about that word choice

He has no emotions other than ok or angry…is he on the spectrum? I think this would be incredibly hard. Has he ever had strong feelings for you, or said that he did?

Hello OP - I'm not sure if I have any amazing and helpful insights, but just wanted to say that lots of your post resonated with me. I'm 51, been with DH 10 years, things have never been that easy but it was sort of mostly okay-ish with good bits and really rough bits. But over the last 3 years, it's just got worse, and the connection is just gone for me now. No sex for the last year and he sleeps in another room for the last few months, at first I felt sad about that but now it's just easier. I think about ending it a lot, but the idea of 'blowing my life up' feels overwhelming. I've not had a lot of security or stability in my life, and it's terrifying to start again on my own at this age. But I don't think I can live like this for the next 30 years either. So just wanted to say that you're not alone - it's so hard, whichever way you turn. Sending you strength and good luck.

If he's angry it's generally all my fault

and

If I got upset he would leave me alone to 'sort myself out

So, his emotions are your responsibility, and your emotions are your responsibility.

Really, is leaving actually scarier than staying?