This is what my mum has just said to me on the phone.
Last night, I had what can only be described as a conversation where my now for sure EXDP was BRUTAL.
He said things to me in ways that didn't need to be said. He was brusk, curt, sharp, blunt, just awful, and his underlying message is 'it's too hard to try, so I'm ending it'. The truth is that he can't get over that I hurt him once, about 18 months ago, he can't go to therapy because he says he can't talk to a stranger about it, so this includes couples therapy. He says what I did just shows I am on a 'different wavelength'. I think it's all about his inability to be vulnerable. We were 11 years deep in our relationship when this thing happened. 11 years and 3 children. The thing? He overheard me complain about something he did to me on the phone to my mum. I was 8 months pregnant, at the beginning of lockdown and I felt his behaviour change. I wasn't sure what it was, so I asked him (from a position of fear) 'do you think you won't love this baby?' because I'd noticed he wasn't as engaged with this pregnancy as he was with the other two. He responded 'I don't love the baby'. I sat there, crushed, crushed isn't the word. I was hurt, upset, scared, worried, just lost in these thoughts and emotions. So I waited until I was out of the way and I called my mum and begged her to go and stay with her. She said no. Fair enough, she was actually shielding in April 2020, and I had two snotty nosed kids already. I begged though, she said 'luv, you just feel hurt right now, he is your partner, the father of your children, you need him'. My response? 'MUM, I don't need him, I don't need his money or his help with the kids, I'll be fine at yours, just let me stay'. He overheard this, and this, he says, kicked off the descent of his feelings and now he doesn't love me, want me, care for me, he feels nothing for me at all. It's over, the kids will be fine. He says when he heard me say that he felt sick his knees went weak, and he hasn't been able to get over it since. Je has spoken to people, men, who have said it's minor, but to him it means everything and it's over. Sorry, but he's changed and no longer loves me.
I spoke to my mum about the conversation we had this morning, which is 18 months after the 'I don't care' phonemail was overheard, and about 6 months since he actually told me our relationship was in trouble (he sat on this for a year, and made the first year of my baby's life bereft of love and comfort at home). I just wanted to let her know that it's over, I want to keep her updated, as I'm abroad with him and she was really worried about that, to let her know what is going on, and I wanted her to say something loving and supportive. She did.
She also said she's seen many men leave families over injury to their egos. Then she said " you know, no one makes me feel like a woman. I don't need to feel like a woman. I am a woman. every day, I know it, I just am. But men? Men need to feel they are men, and if you do anything which results in them not feeling that way, many will punish you, and many will eventually leave'.
I wonder what others think about that. I heard it and honestly thought my mum had a point.
And also writing about this has been pretty carthatic. 2022. It's ok. new beginning.