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Original poster

Struggling with friendships

12 replies

ponypinkie · 02/01/2022 11:53

For lots of reasons I used to be a bit of a people pleaser and a fair few of my friendships were based around my being a listening ear / therapist/ support.

As I've got older I've got better at boundaries and meeting my own needs but now some of my older friendships have a difficult dynamic.

I don't want to be a life raft for someone. I don't want to our lots of effort into making them feel good when they don't make me feel good. They're not bad people at all but they're not particularly great for me either. I just don't know what to do. I want to follow my instincts and pull away but I don't want to hurt them.

What are the limits of selfishness? Do you keep going with friendships when you've outgrown them? Or move on?

OP posts:
blossomtree323 · 02/01/2022 12:36

I have almost an identical dilemma @ponypinkie.
With COVID, most of my fair weather friends have fallen away. With my closer older friends, I've decided to present the new (non people pleasing) me and see how it goes. It's been all good so far which has given me confidence. Could you try that?

Can you explain more about the difficult dynamic with some friends? Is it that you've moved in different directions and it's no longer fun?
In my experience, there's a weird disconnect with some formerly close friends. As if we still both want to be close friends but the moment has passed and we have nothing really to say. Very awkward.

Original poster
ponypinkie · 02/01/2022 12:45

Yes! Awkward - exactly.

The dynamic is, they want the best me - the most fun and understanding and kind version of me. But it feels inauthentic, and I don't want to be inauthentic any more. I mean, I have to be with some people like my parents and grandparents who absolutely need me to be great. But I don't want to put on that effortful show with people who I don't love.

I also think we don't relate to each other. I've changed and they have too. No one has done anything wrong I just don't want to hang out when I have free time (which is rare as I have small dc).

But I do worry that in later years I will regret and miss those friendships and I can't have it both ways - either I maintain the friendships and have them long term - or I let them go and I don't think there's really a way back from that.

OP posts:
Nathlash · 02/01/2022 12:51

@ponypinkie

Yes! Awkward - exactly.

The dynamic is, they want the best me - the most fun and understanding and kind version of me. But it feels inauthentic, and I don't want to be inauthentic any more. I mean, I have to be with some people like my parents and grandparents who absolutely need me to be great. But I don't want to put on that effortful show with people who I don't love.

I also think we don't relate to each other. I've changed and they have too. No one has done anything wrong I just don't want to hang out when I have free time (which is rare as I have small dc).

But I do worry that in later years I will regret and miss those friendships and I can't have it both ways - either I maintain the friendships and have them long term - or I let them go and I don't think there's really a way back from that.

What happens if you’re honest?
LizzieSiddal · 02/01/2022 12:57

But I do worry that in later years I will regret and miss those friendships and I can't have it both ways - either I maintain the friendships and have them long term - or I let them go and I don't think there's really a way back from that.

I feel exactly the same and have found a kind of middle ground by deciding to reduce the amount I see these people. One of these friends I used to see every week but it was fat too draining for me to keep up the pretence and find once a month is much more doable. I’ve known this friend for 25 years so don’t want to completely remove them from my life.

Original poster
ponypinkie · 02/01/2022 14:21

The problem is - our dynamic doesn't really lend itself to honesty on my part - more listening, soothing etc. And the things I'd like to say would be hard for the friends to hear and I don't want to hurt them at all. They've not changed - I have. I think reducing time together is a very good idea, my instincts suggest that this is the way to keep the connection without burning out / hurting them. Problem is - I just don't want to see or speak to them at all.

OP posts:
Nathlash · 02/01/2022 14:24

@ponypinkie

The problem is - our dynamic doesn't really lend itself to honesty on my part - more listening, soothing etc. And the things I'd like to say would be hard for the friends to hear and I don't want to hurt them at all. They've not changed - I have. I think reducing time together is a very good idea, my instincts suggest that this is the way to keep the connection without burning out / hurting them. Problem is - I just don't want to see or speak to them at all.
Well, assuming you don’t want to continue friendships based on you performing the role of an approving life coach, you are faced with the choice of continuing to see them but no longer playing that role, or no longer seeing them..,?
blossomtree323 · 02/01/2022 17:00

@ponypinkie Are the friends
you don't want to see people you see regularly?
I find that if I put a time limit on meet ups (but don't tell the other person) that this helps, because you know when the meeting will end. Say if you are meeting for coffee, I would tell myself that I have 2 hours and then I have to leave. Then with ten minutes to go, I say "I have to go in ten mins" and then leave after those ten mins. Its my way of putting my boundaries in a way that people can't really argue with you as you are asserting yourself to the person.

Original poster
ponypinkie · 02/01/2022 17:15

@Nathlash very wise, good idea. But this mean little voice inside me says why am I spending 2 hours with someone who I want to limit when I could be with friends I want to spend lots of time with/ DH and DC/ or even better - by myself.

OP posts:
Nathlash · 02/01/2022 17:18

[quote ponypinkie]@Nathlash very wise, good idea. But this mean little voice inside me says why am I spending 2 hours with someone who I want to limit when I could be with friends I want to spend lots of time with/ DH and DC/ or even better - by myself. [/quote]
But then you're answering your own question, aren't you? You have limited free time, and you would prefer to either be by yourself, or be with friends with whom you don't feel you have to put on a performance. ..?

VioletLemon · 02/01/2022 17:22

They probably feel exactly the same. Could you try doing something new together.

blossomtree323 · 02/01/2022 17:23

@ponypinkie I guess I was thinking that if you really really can't get out of it then the two hour strategy might work for you
If you don't want to be in contact then don't be. I appreciate this is easier said than done, but like you say you have young DC you'd rather be with. I'd be less available. Don't answer texts immediately, things like that. You'll feel bad (I do, I'll admit I feel pretty awful about doing it at times! ) but it does pass. If it feels awkward when you are meeting up, your friends may be feeling it too. It's OK to let them go, it just feels horrible for a time.

Original poster
ponypinkie · 02/01/2022 17:25

@VioletLemon

They probably feel exactly the same. Could you try doing something new together.
Ah I wish. That would solve everything. But they are sad that I'm not available and message a lot to try and arrange.
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