Should I end the friendship?

[Enoughisenough0]

Let’s call this lady A as I know she uses these forums regularly.
We have been friends for 20 years however I was always viewed as a second good friend as her ‘real best friend’ (we were kids when we met) came first. They are still ‘best friends’ to this day but myself and this other woman have never been friends.
Me and A usually talk daily even if it’s about work/our children/ married life etc, but in the past 2 months I will hear from her maybe once a week even if I initiate conversation. She claims she didn’t notice the message but leaves me on read. She didn’t wish me happy Christmas or new year, but I can see on social media a long chat between her and her best friend so she will have noticed my messages.
I feel down about it as we have been through some tough times together and she’s helped me through a difficult situation when no one else would. Our children are the same ages and get on so well it would be a shame for them to lose their friendships, however I’m thinking of walking away from her.
To be clear I don’t expect constant communication from her, but to essentially ghost me and ignore me is hurtful. We haven’t met up for a long time as she says either a child is unwell or she has no money, then I will see messages that she met her best friend instead. I now worry they gossip about me and my private business as I tell her things I ask her not to tell anyone. I know she tells her husband.
There is a lot more I could mention but I don’t want to drip feed, really I just want to know if I should end the friendship and keep my pride rather than keep trying to communicate and get pushed away further? She’s made it feel awkward so I think I’d be quite resentful from here on out. My concern is that she is my only friend left so I will have nobody. I know it’s not good to stay friends with someone for that reason but she was my rock for so many years.
If anyone has been through this and can advise what they’d do I’d appreciate it, apologies for the rambling it’s been a difficult morning

@Enoughisenough0
I think it's time to walk away if it makes you feel like this. No friendship is worth making you feel like this. Would rather have no friends than a friend who treats you like that. 💐

she’s helped me through a difficult situation when no one else would
…my private business as I tell her things I ask her not to tell anyone
she is my only friend left.
she was my rock for so many years.

It’s possible your friend has compassion fatigue, or just needs a breather from what sounds like quite an intense friendship where she is your only source of support.

Why is she your only friend? I think the new year should mean getting out there and making new friends for you

Thank you both
I didn’t see it from that side so you could be right, however I don’t harass her for support and I never ask her for it she gives it willingly with no expectations. Im assuming her backing away is her way of ending the friendship as we’re normally very open so if she needed space she’d say.
I am changing my number this week so I may use that as a fresh start.

I think a couple of months of her being a bit distant is a terrible reason to completely cut out a friend you’ve known for so long.

Possibly she just needs a break from you for a bit but is trying (possibly not very successfully) to do this without telling you outright so as to spare your feelings.

It sounds like this would be self-sabotage and would deprive you of a friend who has been a great support in the past. You also don’t know what your friend has been going through. She might have been going through something difficult that she is not ready to talk about with you yet.

I’d give it time before making such a hasty decision you are likely to regret.

@moremoony

Why is she your only friend? I think the new year should mean getting out there and making new friends for you

Also, this. Focus on making other friends and give your original friend some space rather than cutting ties.

I think the fact that she is in touch with you once a week, and has been (in your own words) a rock for you for years, yet you’ve decided this isn’t enough for you so you’re planning on ending the friendship and doing so by changing your number and not telling her, speaks volumes about what you’re like as friend.

It’s allowed to have more than one friend you know, you don’t have to cut one off to make more. Good luck expanding your social circle.

I've fell out with someone I thought I was quite close too. When I accessed the friendship I realised it was very much on her terms and revolved around occupying her kids. Never did she take up an invite for anything fun and she was always complaining of no social life, no friends. I invited her out loads she never came to anything childfree and stopped inviting me over to hers for drinks. So i did the same giving no invites for play dates. She was a user, she had time and childcare to do things with other friends. I thought rather than be annoyed about it just cut down contact and fade out. She stopped getting in touch so it's possible she's done the same because I wasn't meeting her babysitting needs anymore.

Sorry, I wouldn't end the friendship, don't expect too much from her and see what happens. If you tell her you want to see her more you will the friendship is forced. Focus on making other friends and you won't need so much from one person.

She hasn’t actually ghosted you, but you are considering truly ghosting her when you change numbers? That’s very all or nothing. I appreciate that you’re hurt, but try to be a bit nuanced in dealing with it. Adjust your expectations and let her contact you.

I find long term friendships can have a rhythm. Some times you see each other a lot (though can't think of anyone I chat to every day) and sometimes a week or two will pass. Sometimes years pass then you reconnect! I think you just take your queue from her and step back a bit, remain in touch but not overly so. I wouldn't cut her out! But I'd also work on other friendships - why is she the 'only friend left'?
I doubt they are gossiping about you - that's being paranoid. If she indeed stops initiating contact and refuses any overtures to get together just stop for a while, but don't block her.

I can understand all your points and that I may be a little extreme, but to know someone is online and contacting other friends all day while leaving you on read is fairly hurtful. I mentioned the part about her helping me a lot recently and we were close and we’ve done things like that for each other in the past 10 years, so to do all the things she did then cut contact is very off for our usual friendship. I feel like it’s become very one sided as when we do meet up (once every few months) I have to travel to her and pay for food etc, but she will visit her best friend very regularly and they share costs. I buy her and her children birthday and Christmas presents every year but we have never received any back. I always felt the friendship was worth more than any minor issues, but ignoring me feels like the last straw. When we do talk after maybe 10 texts backwards and forwards she will suddenly stop replying and that’s how the conversation ends. It’s frustrating and makes me wonder if she really is a good loyal friend anymore.

It does sound like you've always made more effort in terms of contact, visits, present-buying, spending money. But she's been great at emotional support. It might be that she doesn't feel able to be supportive (she might have stuff going on herself perhaps).

Maybe step back a bit. Don't be the first one to text. I don't mean this in a game-playing testing-her way, but as a means of letting her drive how things go for a bit. She might get in touch with you, she might not. You'll know better where you stand.

And even if you continue with the friendship, try to even things out a bit. If she doesn't buy presents for you / your children, then don't buy them for her. It may make her feel awkward that there's an imbalance, and she surely can't expect presents if she doesn't buy them. Don't do all the running.

It might be that the friendship has run its course (that's OK, it happens). It might be she just wants to dial it back a bit as life is busy.

Make 2022 your year to start widening your friendship circle.

I think I would leave the ball in her court. If she doesn’t contact you will know how much she cares xx

@TooWicked

I think the fact that she is in touch with you once a week, and has been (in your own words) a rock for you for years, yet you’ve decided this isn’t enough for you so you’re planning on ending the friendship and doing so by changing your number and not telling her, speaks volumes about what you’re like as friend.

It’s allowed to have more than one friend you know, you don’t have to cut one off to make more. Good luck expanding your social circle.

Yes, I think there's something in this, and in the OP's obsessive reckoning of how much time her friend allocates online to her other friend, AND in her account of how much the friend has helped her through and the private things she's shared with her (as though that in itself is a reason why the friend should continue to want to talk daily).

It all sounds terribly intense and rife with ideas about obligation, OP. I don't talk to even my closest friends on a daily basis, and I can't recall whether I said 'Happy Christmas' or 'Happy New Year' to them or not. I have in the past lessened contact with a former colleague who simply wanted far more from me than I was able to give. I'm sure she now regards me as neglectful and flaky, rather than remembering how much support I gave her in the past.

Maybe try to strip out the intensity and obligation, and stop monitoring her contact with her other friend. The children don't need to lose their friendships as long as you make it clear you don't need to socialise with their mother, just facilitates drop-and-go playdates.

Fundamentally, friendship is about wanting to be involved with the other person, not a list of 'should's.

Sounds like the friendship needs to rest, or, yes, perhaps it has run its course for now or forever.

Let her reach out to you. Don't text. Don't present-buy. Nothing. In fact, since she's never reciprocated the gifting, don't do that anymore.

If she does reach out, lower the intensity level. Make other friends so this friendship doesn't have to carry the entire weight of your friendship life.

This is all fairly normal. People come and go out of our lives.