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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What am I to believe!

17 replies

Lookonbright · 02/01/2022 10:40

I found out by accident on my husband’s mobile he has been friends with a single female for nearly the last two years they have been messaging each other regularly and both messages back and forth have love heart emoji eyes, hearts, roses etc. I was not aware of this friendship. I confronted him and he deleted the messages and said it is nothing but a friendship, he then lied and tried to make out these messages did not exist, even though I clearly saw them. We have been together for over 40 years. He was blaming me saying what do I expect when we are not as we use to be! He does talk to me like shit nowadays, when I think back. He says he has deleted her number, I don’t believe him. He in anger said, I am not happy you made me delete a friends number. He has met her I know that because she is the daughter of an elderly man he is friends with, who he visits on occasion. What am I to think? He says in relation to all the emotional emojis he used in his text, well she sent them to me and so I just sent them back to her, I was been kind. They text each other late night and early morning, the texts were friendly and adoration led, nothing sexual. I feel so very sad and upset.

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ChristmasFluff · 02/01/2022 12:03

Believe he's a liar. Believe he is not going to acknowledge that he crossed a line, and is probably going to continue crossing it, otherwise he wouldn't have to gaslight you (saying the messages didn't exist). Believe that he will make things your fault. Believe that he talks to you like shit.

Believe that this marriage is failing and it will take two to save it. If he won't go to counselling with you, believe that he has no interest in saving the marriage.

What you do as a result of those beliefs is then up to you - but believing the situation is other than it is, with or without the involvement of this other woman, is holding out false hope.

WandaLust101 · 02/01/2022 12:15

Hmmm I’m not getting the vibe that he’s cheating, but possibly he liked the attention.

Talk to him and try to figure out why this friendship started.

Lookonbright · 02/01/2022 12:25

He totally denies that’s it’s anything and I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Why keep it a secret that’s what is getting to me.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/01/2022 12:25

What Christmas fluff wrote.

Blaming you for his actions is another red flag amongst many and he’s lying through his teeth. He would not be at all forgiving of you if the shoe was on the other foot. I would seriously consider seeking legal advice re separation and divorce.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/01/2022 12:27

He’s more likely than not been conducting an emotional affair with this woman the last two years.

girlmom21 · 02/01/2022 12:27

I'm assuming he holds a torch for her and she sees him as a kind old man, to be honest. But I'm not sure of his exact age.

If it was completely innocent he wouldn't have deleted her number or the messages.

Lookonbright · 02/01/2022 12:34

He is very much a man who likes everyone to like him and that I am always the bad one. He held another secret before which only came out because he told our neighbour not to tell me, when he was seen as part of a club to do with running. He kept that secret for over two years, found out last year. Really embarrassing for me with our neighbour being involved. It is strange how he thinks it’s excepting to have secrets. He clearly does not respect me and it does make me wonder, what else he has hidden in our past. I feel so very sad and I don’t like him if I am being honest.

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Lookonbright · 02/01/2022 12:42

She is 10 years young and single. I had no idea that he was even talking with anyone. Even today he cannot understand why I am upset, expecting me to forget it! and getting angry because I cannot.

I am not a woman who questioned him when he went out. Mind you he has always had an eye for the ladies.

He has said a few times, well what do you expect, as we are not physical much any more. Him saying that tells me it’s more! We have been married for 40 years and things do get comfortable and evolve into something away from the early years.

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Torres10 · 02/01/2022 12:44

Then what he has or hasn't done is irrelevant..
You don't need to justify to anyone a reason for leaving.. you don't like him, that's it, everything else is just noise now.

Lookonbright · 02/01/2022 12:47

It’s so very sad.

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TerraNovaTwo · 02/01/2022 12:48

Sounds like he's been having /had an emotional affair with this 'friend'. I'm so sorry, OP Flowers

Lookonbright · 02/01/2022 13:01

I know that and thank you, sometimes it’s difficult to actually accept the truth

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EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/01/2022 15:46

He held another secret before which only came out because he told our neighbour not to tell me, when he was seen as part of a club to do with running.

I don't understand - why would anyone keep it a secret that they'd started running?? Unless, of course, they had struck up an inappropriate "friendship" with another member...

This book might help you get a clearer picture, and a way forward IF you want to try to repair the marriage - but that's dependent on him accepting that he's fucked up.
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

layladomino · 02/01/2022 16:26

His 'reason' tells you a lot. He sees her as a substitute for the lack of sex you are having. ie it is sexual (even if only in their heads at the moment).

What you do know - he has lied, repeatedly, for 2 years. He has spent a lot of time and emotional energy on another women. He has declared feelings of adoration to another woman. He has (at best) had an emotional affair. If you hadn't found out that would have continued for how many years? Would it have turned sexual? Has it already? Would he have eventually left you? He says he wasn't happilty married and yet rather than discuss that with his wife, he thought the right course of action was to start a new relationship with someone else and lie to his wife?? Did he think that would make your marriage better?!

He is lying when he says he doesn't know why you're upset. He knows he's in the wrong (why didn't he tell you about her if he thinks it was all inncocent or acceptable?). How would he feel if you'd spent 2 years declaring love to another man?

He clearly has no respect for you. He is now gas lighting you. He is likely still in touch with her, or will be again very soon. Are you in a position to be able to separate? I suspect your life would be very much better. And don't cover up for him the reasons why.

Lookonbright · 02/01/2022 17:46

I think he thought he could get away with it. He really would not want to look bad to the family. I think I am possibly in shock to an extent. He is totally wanting to brush this under the carpet. I don’t even want to look at him. Feel hurt after all these years. I have been with him since I was 18.

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2022beesknees · 02/01/2022 17:49

Had he ever spoken to you about the issue of you and him not having the physical relationship he refers to?

Lookonbright · 02/01/2022 18:05

He had initially but not for a long while.

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