How do I word this?

[Fedupatforty]

Am feeling so fed up in my marriage and want to talk to husband about it but don’t know how to word it in a productive way without it becoming an attack on him…
My main issues are:

*He shows very little interest in me - can’t remember the last time he asked how I was or how my day was - he can be quite self absorbed.
*He deals with stress by getting angry and having a strop- I have anxiety and this just makes me spiral into an anxious blob. Recent example being the new induction hob broke (only a week old) and he reacted by shouting about how we didn’t need a new kitchen anyway and I shouldn’t have chosen induction etc… I got so anxious about it I just cried and he thought I was upset about the hob rather than his reaction.
*I don’t see him as a source of support - feel like I have to manage his stress levels so that he doesn’t get angry and that means I don’t feel like I have anyone I can turn to when I’m stressed.
*I feel like he resents family life (lots of comments about how he’d never of had kids if he’d known how annoying they were, how he’s trapped in having to work to pay off the mortgage etc..) - and I hate that I’m doing the family thing with someone that doesn’t want to do it too. I often wish I could go back in time and say no when he proposed just so that I’d have a chance to build a life with someone that seemed to want to have kids and build a home together.

It’s not all bad and I want us to work on it but I just don’t know how to start that conversation without it becoming an attack on his personality.

How do I word it? I have tried in the past gently saying ‘you seem to be getting annoyed quite easily at the moment is everything ok…’ I feel this isn’t strong enough as I always bottle it when it comes to explaining how shit it’s making me feel.
And we end up with me being grumpy and distant and him not knowing why.

@SportsMother you’re right. I don’t know how I’d answer that tbh. At some point things will be unbearable but I don’t know if it’s quite there yet. I’d like to try counselling and I think he would be ok with that so maybe that would be a good forum to bring things up.

Sending hugs OP. No useful advice as I’m currently contemplating how to start a similar conversation with my own OH.

I’m terrible at starting conversations like this, so there’s a good chance that I will just bottle it all up until it turns into a horridly messy explosion, though I wouldn’t advise anyone do the same.

I hope someone is along shortly with some good advice for you (that I may pinch too).

Best of luck xx

Had to deal with this in a work situation. It may help. Basically I said to the offender was they may not be aware, but when they are frustrated it comes across as aggressive and scary. Some people, like me (and you sound similar), actually shut down when faced with aggression. It's not something we can control, it's a physiological response. Use the hob as an example. You weren't upset it broke, you were upset because of how he was acting. You could then move on to feeling unappreciated and unvalued in the relationship and broach his comments on not liking family life. Talk about how those comments and lack of interest in you make you feel.

Men like to fix. So what would you like to see from him? If he feels himself getting wound up, can he go away and get composed? What actions would help?

Be prepared he might not give a damn and tell you this is him, like it or lump it. If he does, what do you want to do?

@Pigsinblankets4breakfast good luck! I’m exactly the same - messy bottled up explosion is what I’m hoping to avoid.

To add insult to injury I just looked at the hob. And realised it isn’t broken - he tripped the isolation switch slamming a drawer shut - probably getting annoyed with the toddler whilst he was cooking and got a bit ‘slammy’ with the drawers. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Yet another example of how his stress reaction makes situations worse!!!!

I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if he says like it or lump it. Tbh I’ll probably end up bottling it up and getting more and more resentful over time. I do t think ultimatums will work with him so I need to mean it. I.e if I say ‘make more of an effort or I leave’ I think he’d probably call my bluff and I’m not at the stage of leaving… yet.

Posters asking me what my boundaries are have given me food for thought - I’m not really sure: maybe I need to think about that so that I’m a bit clearer in saying what I won’t accept anymore.

How do I word this?

"I want a divorce" is the only reasonable option in my opinion.

He's cruel. He's a bully. You walk on eggshells in your own home because of his moods. He doesn't support you. He's selfish and self-absorbed. He says unforgivable things about the family the two of you have created. He makes you cry over a fucking hob because his reactions are so stressful to you.

Remind me again what on earth is worth saving here?

Your marriage sounds absolutely nightmarish. What is even the point of being with him?