Dreamed of leaving for months so why am I so hurt?

[maskedwoman]

I left 3 months ago. Married for 4 years, together for 6.

Basically just couldn't take anymore. I felt unloved, used, like I was walking on egg shells, he put no effort into our family or marriage. He was only interested in himself. Talked about him self. No effort when it came to my birthday/xmas.

He would snap at me every now and then for no reason, not talk to me for days on end. I used to just want him to stop the silent treatment. I'd be relieved when it was over even though he was always the one who started any argument.

He didn't get drunk much, maybe 4 times a year but when he did, he always wanted sex. As soon as I'd had enough, he wouldn't take no for an answer and I'd end up carrying on. He wouldn't leave me alone. I've only realised how bad this was since I left.

He would come home and not move from the sofa whilst I looked after 3 dcs - only 1 to him. The list goes on and on. It was all just for show. He loved to show off, nice house, car. It was all for show.

I wanted to leave, would dream about leaving and what my life could be.

Now I have left. He is trying every trick in the book to get me to come home. I don't want to go home, I know I can't. I wanted our marriage to be over but now I'm sad that it is.

Actually I've just read about trauma bonding. I think it's possibly that

No answers, but in a similar boat. I finished the marriage, but chrustmas has broken me. All the broken dreams and all the hope gone.

But I think you're onto it with trauma bonding... We're conditioned to want the future we once thought we were going to have, even though we cognatively know that was/is never going to happen.

Stay strong. We'll be OK x

@ILoveAnOwl

No answers, but in a similar boat. I finished the marriage, but chrustmas has broken me. All the broken dreams and all the hope gone.

But I think you're onto it with trauma bonding... We're conditioned to want the future we once thought we were going to have, even though we cognatively know that was/is never going to happen.

Stay strong. We'll be OK x

Yes it has to be. I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling too. When I dreamed of leaving, in my head it was easy. I would feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I knew I was making the right choice for me and the dcs.

The reality is very different, although I am certain it's the right choice.

He messaged me every day asking me to come home, telling me he will change. Telling me what he will change. If I ask for space to think, he just cannot give me it. He is still over powering and I'm not even living with him anymore.

Most will say to block him but I just can't and I don't know why. Maybe because I will miss him. Even though I don't like him or even love him. It's crazy. I also know he will find a new partner in no time. While most of me thinks at least he will be someone else's problem, it still hurts. No doubt because he will love bomb them the same way he did me.

You're human and you're traumatised. This is a completely normal reaction after leaving an abusive relationship.

Abuse is a trauma. While it is still happening - while you are in the traumatic situation - your brain cannot yet begin processing it, because you are not safe yet and your brain needs to prioritise keeping you safe rather than letting you feel emotions.

Once you are out of it, your brain has recognised you are safe now and started processing what happened. So all your reactions to the abuse, to the loss of what you hoped the relationship could be, to the loss of something that was familiar (we miss things we are used to, even if they were harmful), etc etc - all of that is now hitting you.

It is temporary. As your brain catches up on processing, as you grieve the end of the relationship and the way your life has changed, you will feel better. (It feels crap but it is a good sign that your brain has shifted states because it means you are healing).

I know it is tough - I have been where you are - but it is a case of being caring towards yourself and accepting support to get you through this adjustment period.

Can you block him? Or change your number? Having him continue the abuse from afar will slow down the recovery process and leave you at risk of getting sucked back in.

As we start to get further in time from the last incident and we start to feel safe, we can minimise what happened and start overlaying the safety we feel in the present onto the past "oh I feel safe when I remember it so maybe it wasn't that bad and I've overreacted" . Even though at the time we did not feel safe and we definitely didn't overreact.

Do you have specialist support in place?

Most will say to block him but I just can't and I don't know why.

You can though, you're choosing not to. Because you're scared of being out of control - if he can contact you, and you know how he's reacting, it gives you the illusion of control? Because blocking him makes this real and means accepting it really is over, which is painful? Because you feel that if he's continuing to harass you that you're protecting future victims?

Staying in contact with him - choosing to stay in contact with him - leaves you at risk and delays your healing/recovery process. Which means you will feel shit for longer than necessary.

You were hugely courageous in leaving him. Blocking him is a much smaller but very important step. Otherwise what was the point of putting yourself through all that?

Blocking him puts you in control of your recovery and your life. You need to do it. You can do it.

@user15364596354862

Most will say to block him but I just can't and I don't know why.

You can though, you're choosing not to. Because you're scared of being out of control - if he can contact you, and you know how he's reacting, it gives you the illusion of control? Because blocking him makes this real and means accepting it really is over, which is painful? Because you feel that if he's continuing to harass you that you're protecting future victims?

Staying in contact with him - choosing to stay in contact with him - leaves you at risk and delays your healing/recovery process. Which means you will feel shit for longer than necessary.

You were hugely courageous in leaving him. Blocking him is a much smaller but very important step. Otherwise what was the point of putting yourself through all that?

Blocking him puts you in control of your recovery and your life. You need to do it. You can do it.

Wow thank you for your response. It makes perfect sense. I was struggling to understand why I have this horrible feeling inside because I do not for one second want to go back to him.

I think because I am a people pleaser, (my therapist has said I'm a narcissist dream partner) it's just hard for me to hurt him. Even though he has hurt me many many times. I still feel uncomfortable in blocking him, not replying to his messages etc. He asks me to call him so I do. Unless I am angry with him, where he has done something wrong.

Will try and block him - he just has a way of making me feel bad for him. He says he needs to fight for our marriage, he loves me etc etc. He's talked about suicide.