Head feels all over the place with DDs dad

[Zara445]

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 10 years, basically didn’t have much of a life, hardly any friends because I stopped seeing them. I was only 18 when we got together. We split 3 years ago now when DD was only 3 around Christmas time.

For the past year we’ve spent a lot of time together and I’ve grown really attached to him. I class him as a really good friend and he’s a brilliant dad. I even feel uncomfortable using the term ‘emotional abuse’ as I do feel like he has changed a lot.

Not feeling too great round Xmas and NY as a close family member passed away not so long ago so feel that I’ve leaned on him a lot for emotional support. He has been so good to me, and whenever I need some help with anything he’s always the first to help.

When the relationship ended I’ve seen 2 other people but ended it as I didn’t feel a connection like I had with him. Anyway, tonight I seen him and got upset in front of him (nothing related to him) then when I got home he text me and said I’ve been out for a long walk with my cousin I’m not feeling too good so I said tell me and I will try and help you, he kept saying no. Then eventually he said I’m going to be a dad again.

I felt like my whole world had come crashing down, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I thought I need to get out the house and go to somebody’s house to talk as I can’t take this. Which confirmed to me that I have got feelings for him, a lot more than I thought.

Anyway after about 10minutes he messaged back and said got you I’m only joking! My head is a mess I don’t know what reaction he wanted from me. I spoke to my sister tonight and said I didn’t know My feelings were strong for him.

She told me that it’s took me so long to build myself back up as a person, she said confidence wise I’m a completely different person than I was with him. I seem to forget very quickly, but my mum, sister and best friend always remind me of how he was.

I have to work very hard as a single parent juggling my little one with work commitments and I’m saving really hard for a house deposit. We’re renting, I’m in no rush to move as it is lovely. Everybody around me is settled now, and I think at 32 I should be. But I have no interest in bringing a man into mine or my DDs life. My quality time is spent with her and I couldn’t be bothered dating as I have no time or interest.

Anyway, long rambly post over. My head is a mess right now, anybody have any words of wisdom or experienced anything similar?

I had a disordered boyfriend who did similar.
It's to get an emotional reaction I think and make them feel important.
The relationship sounds codependant, he may be "being there" to create that dependency.

Have you heard of Coda (codependent anonymous) look at their website/try some meetings.

Melody Beatie book codependant no more.

Start getting untangled and healthier/pulling back.

Honestly? I think that's quite a fucked up joke he played on you and if that's indicative of him as a person, then he must be a twat. I would advise you to take a step back and only contact him re the child.

@Moretodo I’ve not heard of coda before but I will definitely have a look, thank you.

codauk.org/

I think what I’m trying to ask is has he really changed? Have I took this joke the wrong way as I’m particularly sensitive at the moment or are some things off limit to joke about

That's fucking despicable and immature behaviour. Rather than confirming that you have feelings it should be dispelling any feelings you may have. Keep it cool and neutral with him.

@pog100 I was thinking something like this tonight perhaps needed to happen to make me realise that I need to re-distance myself. I felt ridiculously happy when he told me it was a joke but now feel angry over it.

If someone has changed... They can tell you what the change was, what happened, when it took place.

Abusers are very unlikely to change.
Read Lundy Bancroft book. Should clarify your thoughts.

ia800108.us.archive.org › ...PDF
Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

That's awful behaviour from him.

At best, it's childish and a weird thing to 'joke' about.

At worst, he knows you still have feelings for him and deliberately emotionally manipulated you to make you feel shit - the 'joke' or trick being that he knew that would he upsetting for you, otherwise why say it? It's not funny in itself.

He's still emotionally abusive.

WTF?

Why would he "joke" about that?

He sounds very weird, and I would keep things polite for your DD's sake, but otherwise detach completely.

@Moretodo My friend said something similar not so long ago. She said if he was coming to me saying I’ve realised I done these things wrong and I’ve now completely changed my ways that would be more positive, but theres no mention of change from him. I just seen a slight change in his behaviour.

Think I was enjoying the thought of having the family back together, not having to stress about finances and having him around for DD as he is very hands on and a very good dad. I’ve probably fantasised the idea in my head a bit too much as of late.