What to do?

[B9r0kre]

I've been asking my DH for help with our 8 month old DD. Last night, I asked him to do her Night routine so I can do some of my Access course. He said no, so I got angry and told him that being a Family is about pulling together and supporting eachother. I honestly didn't mind that he didn't want to bath her, but its the fact that he always says no. So, he then tells me that we're not having other kids because its obvious I can't cope and he doesn't want a "Headache". He then pushes me (He's never done this before), because I didnt answer him as I was in a mood and I shout at him "Don't you dare push me"... I go to put my DD in bed etc, and come downstairs. He tells me "You bring nothing but issues into this relationship, your weird and you've changed". Bare in mind all I asked him to do is bath her. He's actively been on POF, tinder etc through out our marriage and each time I've forgiven him, because if I forgive someone I do so from the bottom of my heart.
He's not spoken or looked at me since 5:45pm yesterday, and hasn't said a word to Our DD. The atmosphere is horrible and I just can't cope. He slept downstairs, and avoided me and went out earlier and probably won't come back until I'm in bed. He calls me a child, and that I need to stay out of his way from now on.. what does this eveb mean?! I love him so much, and I'd do anything for him. I've apologised over and over for.shouting, and he ignores me and just scoffs. When things are good, they're SO GOOD. We had such a laugh yesterday whilst just going for a drive, and then for it to go to the point he can't even look at me. I can't cope with silent treatment, it makes me really anxious. I do put my hands up, and admit I've been a miserable cow over the last month and that I've been snapping and picking at my husband, and I feel so guilty. I've made him dinner earlier on, and I've managed to get him an interview for Thursday (He's not happy in his current one) to try and make it up to him today, but he's not said a word. This isn't the first time it's happened and it's just killing me. I'm totally scared to speak up and bring the issues up, because he always says he'd leave.

Let him leave
He cheats on you; he doesn’t want to act like a father; not seeing anything to love here

He's actively been on POF, tinder etc through out our marriage and each time I've forgiven him, because if I forgive someone I do so from the bottom of my heart.

I'm really sorry OP, and not judging you at all because I understand your insecurity, but ... stop forgiving him from the bottom of your heart.

It's not about judging a crime against humanity. It's about feeling properly loved and appreciated.

Everything in your post shouts that you feel you don't deserve to be loved fully. You might feel that you have some growing up to do, but I bet he has too. X

He sounds like a complete prick.

It's horrific that you even have to ask him to look after his child, let alone the fact that he says no. You should never have to ask a parent to parent.

The online dating just affirms what a dick he really is, you can do better.

He pushes you, cheats by going on tinder, and rubbish dad in return of you caring for your child, cooking him dinner and organising a job interview, that's not a healthy fair relationship. Time to kick him out.

You do not have anything to make up for - why are you apologising to him when he is the one out of line? He sounds abusive.

What would he have to do for you to leave him?

And caring for his own child is not "helping" you, it's fulfilling his responsibilities as a parent. By refusing to meet those responsibilities he is failing as a parent and a partner.

He is abusive op. And now he even pushes you.
Get him gone.

He tells you you are causing trouble, being childish and he threatens to leave WHEN you ask him to support you. Why? Because to him, your needs are irrelevant. And because he wants you to feel irrelevant.

Please do not raise your little girl in a household where her father abuses her mother and her mother stays...and appologises to her abuser!

Abusers aren't cruel all the time. Otherwise no one would stay with them. It's a 'cycle of abuse'.

Speak with womens aid and get a plan in place.

And always remember- You matter. Your needs matter. Your feelings are valid.

Is this what love looks like to you? Is this how you behave toward someone you love? No because you are a good decent person. Do you really want this as a role model for your daughter. That the man who loves her mother more than anything else in the world shoves her and ignores her and generally goes out of his way to be emotionally damaging. You want her to emulate your relationships for herself

You know it's not right. I also know how hard it is to separate yourself from this and thinking logically.

Take steps to get yourself support. Look for low cost counselling to give yourself a safe place to talk through this. You know you deserve better make 2022 the year you put yourself first.

Thankyou so much. I wanted some confirmation that I'm not being crazy about this. I've been looking up gaslighting, and it just rings true. I find it so hard to tell him to leave, I get scared because I love him..im scared of being alone. Sometimes, I muster up the courage and tell him how I feel (respectfully) to end up crying my self asleep.
He makes me self doubt that I can do this alone. I KNOW I can, but if scares the life out of me.

I agree @unicornsarereal72 , 2022 HAS to be about prioritising my daughter and me!! Xx

Being alone after these sorts of relationships is actually really refreshing op. Of course it is a shock to the system in the beginning but just imagine never having to walk on egg shells in your own home ever again.

You can watch what you want on TV. Sleep (diagonally!) without being pestered. Basically, be yourself without some judgemental cunt telling you it's not OK. It's an adventure. It's freedom.

Of course it's not simple with a baba but let's face it, he wasn't pulling his weight anyway. Qt least this way, you can give her 100 percent. And, a happy you.

Goodness. What to do? End the relationship. There is nothing else to do. No kind of good times is worth this amount of crap. And you really don't want to give your child the idea that this is OK.

I had an abusive partner who I loved very much. I thought the world would end when he left me. It didn't, and I'm glad it's over.

He makes me self doubt that I can do this alone

What better evidence that he needs you to go on providing for his needs without question! Otherwise, why would he care how you manage alone?

You will do much better in life without this parasite.

And you can totally do it!

See a solicitor and get legal advise before telling him anything btw.

You and your daughter deserve better.

He will never change and you will have a miserable life if you stay with him.

LTB

He makes me self doubt that I can do this alone. I KNOW I can, but if scares the life out of me.

You can do it, but in order to believe that you have to give yourself that chance.

The fear and grief will be temporary. You have to be patient and ride them out until you get to the other side.

That way you teach yourself that you can survive it and are capable.

Every time you try to leave but then back away in response to fear you reinforce his lies that you can't do it. You inadvertently train your brain to believe you can't survive it.

Like any scary situation, the fear peaks and then fades if you stay in the situation - first day at school, job interview, whatever it is. As soon as you stay in the situation you calm down and realise you can do it - which gives you more confidence to keep going. Whereas if you bail it becomes more scary.

The only way we learn that we can do scary things is by doing them. That's what you do here. Feel the fear and keep going.

Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme may be able to help and support you too.

Have you got a friend or relative who you can talk to? I'd also suggest contacting women's aid. You need to get out and you could really use support to do so.

The people who tell you you can't do something are only telling you that to kick you down and to make themselves feel special. They are weak and cowardly and yet, still think they are better than other people. So they don't want those other people to realise their true value and what they are capable of.

It's not your fault he is a shit human being. It's not your job to be his punching bag.