I don’t know anymore?!

[Misskally99]

Help!
Ok this is a long story but the long and short of it is….
Me and my partner have been together for 15 years, I was 16 and he was 20 when we got together and have been together ever since. We’ve got 2 children (6&7)
He is insecure, always has been and I’m guessing always will be. I’ve never given him any reason to be worried in our relationship but he is just so overbearing. When it comes to sex he is constantly wanting it/talking about it /thinking about it! I get constant comments on my appearance, mainly in a sexual way. We have sex a couple of times a week but he wants it every day and says I constantly reject him. He has also got a massive issue with me using any toys on my own and is paranoid I’m “sorting myself out” then “rejecting” him. I feel like most of our problems are around the insecurities he has but he doesn’t do anything to help himself. To be completely honest I do absolutely everything for him so feel more like his mum sometimes! The more it goes on the more I’m pulling away and I’m just a bit lost about what to do. Leaving him isn’t an option at the moment due to our current living circumstances and the thought of not being with him absolutely scares the life out of me but I feel like I’m losing myself and as I get older the more I want to find the person I was again.

I’ve just read this back and it sounds awful, he is a good man and works hard for his family and loves our kids so much… I just need some advice on how we can move forward.
Thanks in advance

Maybe just spell out parenting him alongside your dc doesn't make him a particularly sexy man? And if he wants you to be more sexually attracted to him and not just having dutiful sex he needs to manage 50 % of your relationship.

What do you mean you do everything for him? That's just not attractive in a partner. Surely you'd admire him more if he was capable and participated in your joint responsibilities?

It sounds as though he's obsessed with sex. He thinks of it as some sort of validation of his worth. Is there some sort of therapy he could undertake? Or maybe couples therapy? Does he realise he's putting the relationship at risk? He needs to know!

Gonna let you in on the big secret op - he is NOT insecure. He is controlling.

You are misinterpreting it as insecurity because that allows you to keep telling yourself that he is 'a good man, really'.

As does everyone in a relationship with a controlling asshole.

Maybe you can't leave yet. But you can start taking steps to get ready to leave. That's how you move forwards.

You met this person when you were but a child yourself, he groomed and otherwise manipulated you. Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by previous poor life experiences at home, have been further got at by this man. He stole what was left of your childhood and he targeted you deliberately.

Do not let him steal any more of your life.

If your children are boys you’re doing your bit also here to teach them that yes, this is how men treat women with w8men being there to do everything for the man. If you have girls you’re teaching them that their fathers overtly sexual comments to you ( even if they don’t hear it directly they will pick up on your reactions both spoken and unspoken) are still acceptable to you on some level. Surely you would want better for them in their own adult relationships?.

It requires planning to leave but no obstacle is ultimately insurmountable. What are your current living circumstances?. Do not put up such obstacles yourself to leaving. I would suggest here you contact Women’s Aid and talk through your options with them.

There is nothing worse than being alone within a relationship as you are now. You are now his de facto parent with he being the manchild here, that is a really unattractive relationship dynamic.

How else can you be helped into leaving?

And he is indeed controlling, not insecure. He knows exactly what he is doing here.

Ugh, pestering constantly for sex is the most off putting least sexy thing, he sounds awful.

I agree that he is controlling not "insecure" . That doesn't mean he's a monster but it's not compatible with this ever being a healthy relationship.

You've been with him since a child, been convinced to tolerate abusive behaviour, and never known anything else as an adult - of course the prospect of leaving him is scary.

But so are lots of important and worthwhile things.

What do you need to leave him?