How to get past issues with stepchilds mother

[LJayexo]

Ok... so... I need help and it may sound horrible but I need to be honest. In a nutshell, been with my partner for 7 years, we have two sons under 3, a great life really, nice home and I would say apart from a few issues we have a nice relationship. He has a 9 year old, not from a previous relationship, the ex was not his girlfriend, it was more a few dates and she was pregnant, she's a bit of a strange personality, she's let on to my partner when they were seeing each other that she may be bipolar, from what my partner describe about her in the beginning I personally think it was some sort of split personality disorder but hey, I'm no doctor. They were broken up a year when I met my now fiancé and had both been seeing other people and for the first 4 years of our relationship I never met her but boy did I hear from her, she lost it when she found out about me, I'm 9 years younger than her and an air hostess and I think she was just jealous or something I don't know, but anyways she harassed me, sent messages to my partner calling me names, constantly making fake accounts on social media, but mainly, keeping her son (at the time 2,3,4,5 years old) from his dad and generally terrorising our lives.
I sat my partner down and asked what exactly happened between them, and I found out she was just split personalities, they were once out for a meal getting along all fine and he took a fry from her plate and she left the restaurant and didn't speak to him for a week, he had problem after problem with her. She has no friends and has fallen out with all of her siblings. I really can't stand this woman. What annoyed me is my fiancé didn't really stick up for me as she would keep his son away from him if he ever said anything about me
Now to the point... I absolutely can't get over my hate for her, the situation now is calm, but I feel so angry towards her, she never even bothers us anymore but I just can't seem to move past it I find myself thinking about it all the time. I was going through my own stuff at the time and she ruined that part of my life. I feel like sometimes I don't love my stepson, we get along, but I don't feel the same as I do my own sons and I carry that as guilt, I do hate when we have to pick him up from her house etc, I hate when he's here I just find the whole situation disruptive and I know this is the only reason why me and my partner have ever fought... i just can't seem to give myself and be happy when he's here, it's as if I'm living two lives...
I actually want to change and feel better towards him

I dunno obviously she has some issues but seems to me men arent always truthful and when they spout their ex is crazy i always raise an eyebrow.. its just a cliche isnt it.. i doubt you have the full story, sounds like he played her a bit to me ..and really the bit about hating when his son is there makes me sad.. poor boy

he has a mum that is 'difficult' and a step mum that is struggling to love him - poor kid. He must be miserable and unhappy. I hope his Dad loves him.

I would suggest some therapy so you can work through your feelings on this.

I personally wouldn't have had a family with someone who had a history for not sticking up for me and called his ex mental as I've seen this play out a few times with people I know and it never ends well, just with increasingly unhappy adults and some more unhappy children.

I think therapy might help you work through whether you're angry at him about stuff then or whether it's a reflection of your relationship being generally not very healthy.

I do hate when we have to pick him up from her house etc, I hate when he's here I just find the whole situation disruptive

This is pretty heartbreaking and won't go unnoticed by his little boy, even if you think it does.

Doesn't sound like a sustainable situation in the long term tbh.

He’s a little boy, leave him out of it 😓

From the sounds of it the red flags and warning signs were there from the beginning, the ex went mental as soon as she found out about you and started sending you abusive messages, she would never engage with you etc before having children with him and being tied to him and his ex you should have thought about the future and the dramas that were likely to unfold.
he's got children with her so will allways be in your lifes, his son is his first priority and she will dictate his life if he dosent do as she says so he will roll over to her and unfortunately you will just have to accept it, in my experience this situation will never change, sorry to have been so blunt but this situation is unlikely to change and so your only real option is to leave

I think you are a bit confused about what the problem is here, are you saying you don't love the stepchild because of the problems caused by his mother? if so I think you need to both see how unreasonalbe that is, and at the same time really try hard to work through the feelings for your partner's ex. Your feelings about her are valid, but won't go unless you consciously work through and process those feelings. They are nothing to do with the child. The mother caused you upset, and so your feelings are valid there - but nothing to do with the child.

Your stepchild is also your partner's child - a child your partner loves - if you love your partner surely you want to have a relationship with their child? If you try to reframe it like this in your mind, the way you can move on here is for you to consciously make a huge effort to get to know your stepchild for who they are as a completely separate entity from their mother. Get to know the child, talk to them about their thoughts and feelings, their interests and passions. Doing this will help you build a relationship and you can then sit down and think of things you can do together which you will all enjoy, and how to integrate them into the rest of your family in a way which makes everyone happy.

Many different issues at play. She sounds fucking awful, of course you can’t stand her.

Your partner should have gone to court for access when she was dicking around, did he?

He should have stood up for you.

You don’t have to love your DSS. You don’t have to feel the same about him as your own. Why would you? He’s already got two parents and if you and DP split you’ll never see him again.

You should try and separate how you feel about his mum and how you feel about him. He’s not responsible for having a batshit mother and his life might already be hard living with her.

Do you have to go to her house? Surely DP can pick him up. No reason you ever have to go there.

If you and DP are frequently arguing what can you both do to stop that? Therapy?

Didn't you already posy this undet a different name?

I've never met cabin crew who call themselves an air hostess, it switched to steward 40 years ago and just cabin crew the last 20 years. Makes me doubt it's all real, sorry.