This is part ramble to get some thoughts out/part advice request so please excuse the long op!
TLDR: how do I sensitively help my ex accept our breakup?
We have been lifelong friends, periodically getting close then not seeing each other for a while but generally stayed in touch. During the times we would get closer, I could sense he was hinting towards wanting more and I’d freak out and we’d lose touch for a bit.
Then a few years ago, we got close again. He was there for me during a difficult period. Everyone assumed we were secretly together already, then my friends and family started nudging me towards a relationship with him, I think because I’d been in several unhealthy relationships by that point and he is a genuine and kind person so they thought he would be good for me.
He had been single for over a decade at that point, later telling me that he had been holding out for a relationship with me all along and that he wasn’t interested in anyone else but me. I was incredibly worried that we’d potentially damage our friendship if we got it together and I was concerned that he might have communication issues since he never told me directly how he felt, relying on sending stronger and more obvious hints, but all these factors plus feeling like I ‘owed’ him something for his kindness and help (I realise this is an unhealthy pattern I have with men now) made me go for it. So when we got together, there was already an imbalance and I felt a lot of pressure feeling like I was on a pedestal.
In hindsight, I found it difficult to transition from just being friends. I’m not naturally affectionate, and he wasn’t communicating his needs so it largely felt like we were still friends except now we shared a bed and we spent all our time together. Sex was awkward and became infrequent. He has incredibly low self esteem and I found myself unable to discuss any dissatisfaction with him for fear of upsetting him as I knew he’d blame himself. I realise it was quite an unhealthy dynamic.
But, I wasn’t desperately unhappy and it felt amazing having full time help and companionship, especially as every aspect of my life is complicated by my DS’s disability. So I stayed. I posted on here periodically asking for advice on how to break up with him and would gear myself up but then just couldn’t find it in my heart to hurt him. I was also worried about how he’d cope financially without my support.
It wasn’t all good though. He’s a very jokey type of person (although I suspect this was a coping strategy to mask his self loathing) but sometimes it got too much when his gentle mocking started to feel like actually putdowns, including of my DC. It meant that we all started hiding our interests from him as he would tease us about them, implying we had crap taste in music, tv programmes etc. Then he started getting a bit judgemental, particularly about my DC as he felt they were ungrateful and ‘too street smart’ compared to his same age children. This hit some nerves as I feel an incredible amount of guilt about the fact that my DC have had to grow up fast to survive abuse and an abusive relationship from their dad and our lives (particularly for my NT DD) have been limited by DS’s disability.
The final straw came during the Xmas period and I finally pulled the plug. Because of how intertwined our lives have become, I’ve told him he can take time to remove all his stuff as although he has separate living arrangements, they’re not suitable long term but he has lots of things to sort out before he can address that. I’d like to stay friends as I really value that about him but acknowledged in the breakup chat that we would need some time to transition away from the relationship.
Since then, he has found an excuse to contact me every day and come over briefly once. He is messaging me as if nothing has changed, calling me by my pet nickname he had for me and sharing details of his day like before.
I’ve tried to be friendly but more businesslike as I don’t want to give him false hope but also don’t want to cause him more pain. I’m feeling a little sad but relieved it’s over but also terribly guilty which is weighing heavily in the pit of my stomach. I know he is hurting a lot, not just because our relationship is over but also because it will have played on his self loathing, feeling of inadequacy and self blame. He is dealing with a lot of trauma from things unrelated to me but won’t seek help (I’ve tried encouraging him to but he says he can’t) which is partly why I realised he’s not in the right place for a relationship.
He has begged me not to tell our mutual friends and has refused to tell his family or friends when I gently suggested they’d be able to support him if they knew. It also means I can’t ask for support from my friends since they’re now his friends too (everyone loves him as he’s so lovely and helpful to everyone!) although my family know. He says it’s because he can’t bear to receive messages from them and sympathy but I suspect it’s because he hopes we’ll get back together and they’ll be none the wiser. I’ve realised how reliant he has become upon my emotional support (another reason for the unhealthy dynamic) and says he has ‘no one else’ (not true as so many people genuinely love and care for him and would be deeply upset to know he is suffering when they could support him).
If I could take away his pain, I would do so in an instant. He’s only had one serious (and unhappy) relationship in his life whereas I’ve been here many times before and know how to get over a relationship. How do I gently get him to accept that it’s over and that I can’t be the one to help him through this please? 