Food "banter"

[Chocoshot]

My OH is obsessed with food and makes me the butt of his food banter every Christmas. He's savoury, I'm sweet. So naturally, by the time he's consumed enough bread rolls, crisps, nuts, onion rings, salt and vinegar sticks and cheese and crackers, naturally I've already made a start on the Christmas chocolates as I only eat chocolate and nuts.

He's just opened the Christmas biscuits after consuming enough savoury Christmas food to sink a ship and I knew it was coming... "ate enough of the chocolate ones have we?! Har har har har!! Didn't like these ones did you?! Har har har har" whilst shoving 3 biscuits into his big gob all at once.

I snapped at him that he's going for the chocolate after consuming all the savoury and that he had already eaten all of the nice m&s truffles yesterday and left all the dark ones.

Now I apparently "can't take a joke."
No, I can't.
I HATE food banter and the obsession about what I have/haven't eaten. I hate having to share food with him because there's endless comments about my selections. All said with a big daft banter smile on his face.

The irony is that he's enormously overweight and is getting bigger. I am also overweight- size 16 (nowhere near his size) but have lost weight, taken up regular exercise, joined a gym and decided that this Christmas I was going to enjoy my chocolates without guilt. But he makes me feel guilty and question myself over whether I've eaten too many etc which I hate.

I know as soon as he opens the box or tin there's going to be some sort of joke made about what's left, but it's him with the real problem.

After telling me repeatedly that I can't take a joke, I've told him angrily that I don't find him remotely funny and that perhaps if he didn't have such a problem with food himself then he wouldn't be so bothered about what I'm eating. I then called him a greedy pig for everything he's consumed this Christmas (I know I shouldn't have) he just really got my back up.

Does anyone else find this sort of "banter" extremely triggering?

He needs to sort himself out anyway and I am sick of his unhealthy lifestyle.

Raids the bins for wrappers? Takes the piss when you’ve eaten some chocolate? Definitely abusive and targeting you to keep the heat off his own obesity. Don’t tolerate it, OP.

Yes, agree, total projection. I had a very slim friend and whenever she ate her husband would 'banter'...ooo, you're getting stuck into that, look at you making short work of that, surely you can't possibly fit more in etc. Using words like stuffing and guzzling. She'd just give up and stop eating after a few bites (where he'd take the leftovers) but she had no problems eating without him there. Saw her without him eventually and then lost touch

It's nasty, controlling behaviour and you deserve better.

He sounds like an immature and tedious dickhead.

He's got an eating disorder, so he's obsessed with food and is preoccupied by it. It seems to have overtaken everything and he has to communicate via food talk. His only interest in you seems to be what you have eaten, or how you are related to food.
It's not just the poor health, it's very sad that he's a slave to food. I can't believe he goes through the bins to get scraps off wrappers. It reminds me of when I smoked and as a student would check ashtrays for long butts.

This would drive me crazy, he's way out of line. I'd be asking him what the fuck is the matter with him the next time he goes through the bin.

Urgh...so unfunny, boring and tedious. PPs are right, he's projecting.

It's not so he can eat the scraps off the wrappers but to see what I've been eating. He thinks It's hilarious when he does it and does it in a lighthearted "jokey" way.

It's definitely caused issues with my own eating. I find myself feeling like I've got one over on him if I go out for lunch on my day off and I lie about it. I never used to be like that.

He’s doing it to justify him eating more, because if you’re eating too much/unhealthily then it gives him a ‘get out clause’ to do the same. It’s like saying, ‘well, if you have this then I can have that’ while he completely forgets that he’s had something too.

What's happened here is that you're with an arsehole.

If you tell someone that something they do genuinely upsets you and they keep doing it then they do not love and respect you.

That sounds simplistic but it's true IMO.

Someone who loves and respects you simply wouldn't want to upset you so if they knew something would, they wouldn't do it.

He's a prick OP. And a hypocrite by the sound of it.

He clearly has his own issues with food that he is refusing to confront or address.
You on the other hand are making lifestyle changes to lose weight, have a healthier relationship with food.

I think his reaction to that is complex. There could be a degree of envy attack, fear that you may get skinnier/ healthier and leave him, mixed in with a healthy dose of projection (you’ve eaten xyz so he can eat as he wishes).

Your language around how much he eats also sounds (and please tell me I am wrong), like you’re getting the ick with him and how he behaves around food. It sounds as though you are disgusted with him.

Do you love each other? Fancy each other? Can you communicate with each other? Because otherwise this sounds pretty awful.

Banter about anything is usually passive aggressive nastiness.

A good friend of this btw has this. She’s overweight and in the past few years has made a real effort re healthier food/ portion control / exercise and has gradually lost weight. Shes so much happier in herself.

Her husband on the other hand has continued to pile on weight. He has depression and a host of other issues that he simply cannot/ will not face. She has the total ick around him - he knows that and his weight continues to pile on.

It’s basically ripped their marriage apart. They have no intimacy and tolerate one another because of their children. It’s really sad to watch actually. Whether any of this stuff goes on behind closed doors, I don’t know. I just think that when one partner tries to make changes for the better and the other doesn’t? It can make a relationship very difficult.

"Your language around how much he eats also sounds (and please tell me I am wrong), like you’re getting the ick with him and how he behaves around food. It sounds as though you are disgusted with him.

Do you love each other? Fancy each other? Can you communicate with each other? Because otherwise this sounds pretty awful."

@sassbott all of your observations are correct. I fell out of love with him a couple of years ago and have been wanting to leave him since. I'm slowly getting my ducks in a row as I have no family around to help me.

I also wonder if I am your friend!

Sounds to me like he’s trying to push his food issues on to you. If he “jokes” about what you’re eating it takes the spotlight off him.
Would annoy the hell out of me, his “banter” is not remotely funny, it’s unkind, disrespectful and nasty. But how you resolve it, I’m not sure.

Sounds like you're ready to leave him. Good.

Rifling through the rubbish to see what you've eaten while he's out is disgusting.

I'd tell him he looks like a pig and make snorting noises every time he does it, and when he gets the hump tell him it's 'banter'.

Well done for getting organised.

He sounds repugnant.

He sounds awful, and is clearly projecting onto you. 16 is the large side of average (I am a 16 too) but not obese, he is clearly very overweight. I would be deliberately filming me stuffing my face with glee and sending it to him, and licking food wrappers with delight if they were presented to me as "evidence". Also saying well what must you be eating then fatso, as you're way bigger than me. But I do accept that's not a healthy way to communicate or go forward, so if it didn't immediately kick him in to touch I would start to consider leaving. You shouldn't have to put up with such disrespect