Is it time to walk away

[Flo2022]

Together 4 years with a 1 and a bit year old baby. Drinking has always been as issue but really come to the surface since dc has come along as I have grown up and he hasn't. In the early months any time we had a fight he would go on benders all night drinking until 7am the next morning with friends and staying out. probably at least 7 times that has happened. He was jealous of my attention being on the baby and not him and told me I was obsessed with the baby and how not normal it was. I know this is not normal behaviour for a new father. I did not feel supported at all those early months.

He does not drink everyday but has no control over how much he drinks when he starts. He has no off button. I had to put my foot down at the start of the relationship that spirits were off limits as they made him act like a mad man. He agreed as he knew it himself

He is not a pleasant drunk. He can go from being happy and cheery to aggressive looking for fights, rude and verbally abusive and the slightest thing can set him off. He sits up alone until early hours of the morning drinking alone and will drink between 8 to 10 large cans of beer sometimes more. He Has urinated on the wall instead of toilet twice but not in recent times. Sleep talks strange things and causes me a lot of anxiety as I never know what version he will be. He cannot help himself. Recently we went for a walk at 12 in the day with the baby and decided to get some food and he ordered a pint while everyone else was still eating breakfast. I was embarrassed this is just one small example there's many . Its like he cant help it when alcahol is around.

He has admitted in the past there may be a problem and then seems to forget and goes back to drinking. Also weed has become an issue in recent months and on one occasion he told me he was using weed to substitute alcahol. Again gets forgotten about. He tells me im boring because I dont get drunk and have a laugh with him anymore. The truth is he has turned me off alcahol I used to enjoy a drink and have self control. He doesnt understand I cant sit up and get drunk with him half the night as we have a young baby who still wakes during the night. I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

We split for a few weeks and he drank pretty much every night he was gone even while he was ill with the flu .

Have been doing a lot of research and honestly think that he is a functioning alcaholic who binge drinks or smokes weed to get some kind of high. His mother was an alcaholic and After another drink related argument last night I have asked him to do dry January he has agreed but I know in my heart he will not last. Just looking for people who have been through similar situations and how you got through it. I know realistically it will probably come down to an ultimatum us or the drink and the drink will probably win but I cant do another year of this if nothing changes. I love him sober I hate him drunk. Is it time to call it a day ?

Yes it is time to call it a day and this relationship is well and truly over in any case. His primary relationship is with drink and drugs and not you. It’s never been with you either.

Did your yourself grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent too?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Being a rescuer or saviour in a relationship never works.

I would not bother issuing any ultimatum, he’s made his choice already and it’s alcohol and weed.

How can you be further helped here into leaving this man and this time for good?. Choose to make a better life for you and your child instead. Do not be further caught up in his alcoholism because you in turn are also affected by this in terms of enabling him. It’s not called the family disease for no good reason and it will do your child no favours to be raised in such a toxic and dysfunctional environment.

I would address any and all issues related to your own codependency through therapy.

You have a choice regarding this man, your child does not. Make better choices for both of you going forward. Your child does not need or warrant the daily presence of a drunkard and weed smoker for a father.

I went through something similar. Husband a habitual drinker. Very unpleasant in drink and not particularly nice when sober. Having 3 small children and no family close I was unable to work and was told I was lazy. He had a well paid job but we were consistently in debt.
Split a couple of times but got back together after promises to change.
Final straw came when he went drinking and stayed out all night. I packed all his stuff and threw in in the street. ( he hadn't got his doorkeys so couldn't get back in) he just loaded his stuff into his car and drive off.
I was left penniless and had to ask social services to provide me with some.formula for my baby.
I recieved a few drunken threats from him but once I got back on my feet I realised throwing him out was the best think I ever did. Not much money but far happier
30 years on and he has barely bothered with any contact with his sons. Not seen his granddaughters

He just doesn't really give a shit.
I hope this helps you come to a decision.
Believe me I was so much happier having got him out of my life

FGS, do not raise your child in a home with an alcoholic. It will cause irreparable damage that will taint their entire life. Of course you need to end it, and immediately.

It sounds like it. Good luck.

I walked away when my DS was 2 because I couldn't trust my ex to safely drive ds, which meant I could never leave them alone. And I didn't want ds growing up thinking drinking to that level was normal.

Growing up and to this day I've never seen my parents drunk, my mum told me to not tolerate volatile men. My DH is TT, he's never tried alcohol, which is good as I'm emetophobic, I couldn't live with the uncertainty of a drunk adult about to puke.
Do you rent or own the property you live in.

Thanks for replies so far x

@attilathemeerkat no I was brought up in a household with very limited drinking parents had a few drinks here and there no heavy drinking what so ever no binging.

@georgeskitchen sorry to hear you went through something similar. We have also had the split a few times and gone back scenario. Why is so hard to just tell them to f off once and for all. Its easy for people on the outside to say it but different in the situation. Glad you are happier now and has given me something to think about

@mintjulia I am the same I dont want my baby thinking any of it is normal and living in an atmosphere like that. Did you find it hard to walk away? I hope you guys are doing well

The logistics were difficult, finding an affordable flat and a child minder, but I had a decent job and while it was financially quite tight, I found a lovely, calm, kind and experienced child minder who helped.

DS doesn't remember living with his df which has made it easier for him. Seeing his dad once a week is his normal. I persuaded ex to see ds on Sunday mornings when there is less chance of him being over the limit.

We have managed to co-parent fairly amicably for 10 years. eg. DS spends Xmas Eve/day with me, and 26-30th with his df. He always comes home early on NYE. He is young teenage now and is happy & settled, so it is possible.

Keep in mind that you will have 15 years of co-parenting, so choose your battles, stick to your boundaries and be as calm and consistent as you can.

You’re right, he’s a functioning alcoholic. He could become a recovering alcoholic but he has to do it —- there’s nothing you can do until he makes the choice and you could support his recovery.
I speak from experience. I tried everything —- offered the holiday of a lifetime if he’d give up drink, I’d buy this, we’d go there —- anything I could think of. None of it worked and as he sunk lower into alcoholism he dragged me with him. I didn’t drink but he embarrassed me in front of friends, work colleagues, family, he almost bankrupted me as I was left to pay all bills and even his child support at times.
For your sake, and for your child’s, I think you have to walk away.
He can access a lot of support. Give him details of Alcoholics Anonymous, any drug and alcohol support agencies in your town, his GP. That is as much as you can do.
I think if I’d stayed I’d have been dead within a couple of years. He started to threaten me. Alcoholism doesn’t stay static, it’s a progressive disease so his behaviour will become more erratic unless he stops both his addictions.

It doesn't sound to me as if he's functioning - certainly not as a partner or a father or a pleasant, respectful person.

It is. Mine was a functioning alcoholic, and still it wasn’t nice. It took me ages because I had not realise the drinking was a problem. But to ne honest you’ll come to see that it is not just the drinking. It is not a nice sober bad drink acenario. It’s bad for you and bad for the baby. It is hard I know but nothing will change. The relationship is toxic and disfunctional even without the drink. If you can, be on your own. Lots of love and strength.

I stopped reading at the point you say he urinated on the wall.

His behaviour is disgusting. I would tell him to leave immediately. He’s a terrible “role model” to your child.

@Flo2022 you sound as if you have your head screwed on correctly . You are miles ahead of this man child and your life with your child will be so much better without him in it .