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Original poster

7yo saying (to herself) that she hates me, then getting upset about it

23 replies

americanvintage · 01/01/2022 12:04

Last night, as I was tucking my 7yo into bed, she told me that during the day she said in her head that she hates me - she doesn't know why, she dooesn't mean it at all and was extremely upset about it. She was crying, telling me that she loves me.

I was taken aback because she's such a sweet and kind girl, it's just so out of the blue. I didn't get cross or shy thing, but told her it made me sad and asked if there could be a reason she said it - she said not.

I would understand it more if it was said out loud in anger, but I just can't really fathom why she's be saying something like this in her head?

Just now she's told me that she just did it again, and like last night was really upset and apologetic. It's like she wanted to unburden herself by telling me (she does do this a lot - if she does something she thinks is wrong, she always confesses and feels better afterwards)

Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm trying not to be too upset about it, but it feels rather hurtful

OP posts:

Mischance · 01/01/2022 12:11

I think you should not make a big thing of it - just say that we all feel cross with those we love sometimes and do not always like them every minute of every day and we often keep those thoughts in our heads. It does not mean we love them any the less.

A bit of a hug and a reassurance that you love her dearly. Do not seem too upset or she will find it harder to deal with.

Indeed we do all sometimes have negative feelings about those we love. Some children let you know it with all guns firing and yell and scream; others keep it in their heads. But either way, it is entirely normal.

Beamur · 01/01/2022 12:13

I do have experience of this! Look up anxiety and intrusive thoughts.
My DD was a similar age when she started having intrusive thoughts. In a nutshell everyone has these thoughts but more like background noise. For some people these thoughts take on more meaning and once you start to notice them, you often pick up on more. My DD had no idea - and neither did I - that this was a thing.
Might be worth asking your GP for a referral to CAHMS and definitely read up on it for the best ways to address it.
Intrusive thoughts are a form of OCD.
It's a manageable condition but I would suggest that you address it in case it gets worse. In the meantime, gently reassure her that these are nothing more than random thoughts and don't really mean anything. Intrusive thoughts often seem to focus in on the opposite of what you really think as well.

Annabellerina · 01/01/2022 12:13

Agreed, entirely normal. I often tell my kids in my head that I hate them 😆 and my kids shout it out loud to me. But of course it's just frustration and we adore each other.

SwanShaped · 01/01/2022 12:16

Tell her it’s normal to have thoughts you don’t like. And the fact that she feels upset about it means that she is a good person and that she does really love you.

Beamur · 01/01/2022 12:17

@SwanShaped

Tell her it’s normal to have thoughts you don’t like. And the fact that she feels upset about it means that she is a good person and that she does really love you.

This is a nice way to put it for her age.

Mischance · 01/01/2022 12:20

SwanShaped - that is what I was trying to say, but you put it much better!

Original poster

americanvintage · 01/01/2022 12:20

Thank you so much for the replies.
@Beamur I think you are spot on actually, I just looked it up and it sounds exactly right. A couple of weeks ago when I told her and her brother not to put the marbles they were playing with in their mouths, she got really worried and said she was scared she might now have a thought to put it in her mouth, and was asking what would happen etc. i brushed it off at the time but I can definitely see a pattern here

OP posts:

Youknownothingsnow · 01/01/2022 12:21

Yes, completely normal and at the same time distressing for her. Intrusive thoughts are part of being human and I think the next time she mentions it you could let her know that everyone gets them. Have a chat with your GP and get a referral for early help CAMHS. It may help her to talk to someone else about it.

Original poster

americanvintage · 01/01/2022 12:21

@SwanShaped

Tell her it’s normal to have thoughts you don’t like. And the fact that she feels upset about it means that she is a good person and that she does really love you.

This is such good advice, thank you

OP posts:

Calamitydrayne · 01/01/2022 12:23

@Beamur

I do have experience of this! Look up anxiety and intrusive thoughts. My DD was a similar age when she started having intrusive thoughts. In a nutshell everyone has these thoughts but more like background noise. For some people these thoughts take on more meaning and once you start to notice them, you often pick up on more. My DD had no idea - and neither did I - that this was a thing. Might be worth asking your GP for a referral to CAHMS and definitely read up on it for the best ways to address it. Intrusive thoughts are a form of OCD. It's a manageable condition but I would suggest that you address it in case it gets worse. In the meantime, gently reassure her that these are nothing more than random thoughts and don't really mean anything. Intrusive thoughts often seem to focus in on the opposite of what you really think as well.

^^ Reply of 2022 right here. This is exactly what you are seeing OP. Perfectly described.

Original poster

americanvintage · 01/01/2022 12:23

@Mischance

A bit of a hug and a reassurance that you love her dearly. Do not seem too upset or she will find it harder to deal with.

Thank you so much. I think I've made too much of a thing of it - but will talk her about it again and reassure her.

I think my mind immediately went to all the reasons she would've thought it (I work too much, haven't made enough time for her etc) - so I made it too much about me and what it means

OP posts:

Original poster

americanvintage · 01/01/2022 12:24

@Calamitydrayne I totally agree! I can see it clear as day now - thanks so much again @Beamur x

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JovialNickname · 01/01/2022 12:27

Bless her. She shouldn't worry and neither should you! These are intrusive thoughts, we all have them. It's the weird thing where you know you shouldn't think something, so you think it. Like saying "don't think of a pink elephant" makes you think of a pink elephant.

Thoughts are not you. They are not the person. They are strange things that pop up, they are not "you". Thinking something doesn't mean you believe it. People put so much importance on thought, thinking they "are" random thoughts that pop up, but this isn't true. You "are" really your actions, and the moral choices you actively make.

Of course your daughter doesn't hate you, she's just worried because random conflicting thoughts are jumping in her head and scaring her. I would laugh it off, I know you love me, we love each other every day, no silly thought is going to stop me loving you and you loving me etc.

Also she's getting a little bit older, puberty might be throwing up some confusing thoughts too. The growing and natural need for independence v being a little girl and needing her mummy. She might be feeling some conflict (Leave me alone mum/ also I love you) and that's OK too. Frustration /fleeting annoyance is a passing emotion and a part of life. We all sometimes feel frustrated and irritated at those we are close to. That doesn't shake the bedrock of the underlying love we have for them. Maybe time for a chat about this? x

Original poster

americanvintage · 01/01/2022 12:31

Thank you so much @JovialNickname that's really good advice (and makes me feel a little emotional!) I think having a chat about this together will really help

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Beamur · 01/01/2022 12:38

My DD was referred to CAHMS (very quickly) with this at 8 years old and with hindsight, she'd been having issues for at least a year. It hasn't stopped the thoughts but understanding where they come from was incredibly helpful for her. She's been back to CAHMS this year as the things that trigger her were getting harder to manage and again, she was seen quite promptly and their intervention was helpful.
DD is overall quite an anxious child. This is something she has to deal with fairly regularly but it does vary in intensity.

Blueshoess · 01/01/2022 12:42

I’ve seen this so many times in young people, please don’t worry or panic/ go rushing to CAMHS/GP. Sounds like intrusive thoughts and children commonly experience this (remember the walking on the pavement games - step on a crack you’ll break your back), or thoughts that pop into your mind if I don’t do X then something bad will happen.

At periods of stress (busy Christmas, worries about school/ family illness perhaps) children will naturally feel more anxious and perhaps experience intrusive thoughts - this doesn’t mean they will go on to develop ocd or an anxiety disorder. It also doesn’t mean there is any truth in the intrusive thought at all - I’ve worked with people who have had intrusive thoughts of wanting to step in front of cars, hurting other people, eating disgusting objects - there is no intention behind the thought at all, the brain is almost like saying think of the worst thing you can maybe as a stress response or feeling overwhelmed.

I would check out some age appropriate books/ resources to sit with your daughter and talk through with her - the main message being a thought is just a thought, a thought is not a fact. There’s plenty of books/ websites/ activities you can do together and the main thing is taking it away from you and not making it into a big deal.

Check out Camhs-resources.co.uk for plenty of free downloads and tools. Focus on the anxiety/ worry resources and perhaps check to see if your daughters school have a mental health support team (early intervention and prevention within schools).

HeyMoana · 01/01/2022 12:46

The worst thing she can imagine is losing you. Like all intrusive thoughts……it’s trying to bully her. For some adults it might be “ You’re too ugly and fat” or “ You need to check you locked that door again.” for a child it’s “ you hate your mummy”.
Please don’t tell her it hurts you. Call it what it is… “that’s an intrusive thought” tell her to acknowledge it by answering it in the same way you would any bully.
“Hmm interesting but I disagree”.

WaxingGibbon · 01/01/2022 12:59

Read your post and came in to say intrusive thoughts and see other posters already have it covered! Just to add it's so so common, agree can be linked to anxiety, it's affected me for many years it feels like my brain is trying to self sabotage my peace of mind by creating the most awful thoughts from nowhere. At 7 I'm not surprised she's upset - but it's so normal and common, please just reassure her.

Original poster

americanvintage · 01/01/2022 13:09

Thank you so much for all the replies, I think I handled this quite badly last night but now that I understand what's going on hopefully I can put it right and reassure her

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coffeeisthebest · 01/01/2022 13:14

I also agree that it's normal. Don't jump to intervene yet. My kids have said they hate me and the world hasn't ended, it wasn't a big deal. Let her have the thought and then release it on its way. I would have been so helped as a child if someone had told me that. They are just thoughts.

SwanShaped · 01/01/2022 13:20

Everyone gets intrusive thoughts. What matters is the meaning that you attach to them. Some people have them and worry it means they’re a bad person. But it doesn’t. They’re just thoughts. I used to imagine putting my cat in the microwave when I was little. It upset me so much and I never told anyone. So it’s great that she told you. You could even tell her some of yours. You could also call them upsetting or unwanted thoughts if that makes more sense to her.

Opaljewel · 01/01/2022 13:49

It definitely sounds like the start of intrusive thoughts. Maybe CAHMS is a good place to start.

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/01/2022 16:18

It sounds really normal for her age, developmentally she’s starting to change emotionally and cognitively and starting to see herself as a separate entity from other people. Ideas about love and hate start to become more complex and will throw up all kinds of thoughts, some of which can feel quite strong and quite alarming.

I’d respond in a really low key way, with lots of reassurance and maybe helping her think about what was happening, how she was feeling when those thoughts came into her head and help her understand her more complex thoughts. You might find she’s struggling with anger or frustration at perfectly normal things you do as a parent which gives you an opportunity to talk to her about things that are part of your job as her parent.

I’d also let her get through the holiday period, which is a very stressful, anxiety provoking time for kids, despite all the joy and excitement.

If it continues to be a problem for her by all means explore support from CAMHS, what I would say though is that waiting lists are long and certainly in my area it’s very difficult just to get onto the waiting list - my DD has extensive early trauma and I had to fight tooth and nail for support for her so don’t rely on CAMHS at the moment. There are lots of things you can do in your relationship with her to reduce anxiety levels before accessing therapy. I’d start there first and see how she goes.

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