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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating after divorce - how to discuss with kids & former partner

6 replies

SpeedReader · 01/01/2022 07:33

Happy New Year, Mumsneters! I am hoping to please get some perspectives on the following divorce / separation-related question.

A lot of experts say that you shouldn't introduce a new partner to your kids until the relationship is sufficiently serious. Fair enough. But what do you do in the meantime, in terms of the level of candour with your kids (and former partner) in relation to what you're doing, if you're seeing anyone, etc?

This question came up in a conversation with a friend who separated last year. This friend has a DS in his early teens; they are in daily text and mobile contact, in addition to seeing one another regularly. Often, his DS will ask him where he is and what he's doing. What is the best way of answering these questions if you're out socialising, or staying at a friend's house, or on a date?

My friend does not want to upset or confuse his DS, or provide titbits of information that only raise more questions - and he certainly does not want to say anything to his DS that he wouldn't say to his wife, or ask his DS to keep secrets from her.

It sounds like the DS is having difficulties accepting the separation, which makes my friend even more concerned about how to approach these matters.

I expect a lot of others have gone through this, and would appreciate any thoughts.

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 01/01/2022 07:43

I think your friend is being very optimistic about the amount of time he's going to be out on dates 😀 can't he just say he's out with friends/a friend? His actual sex life is his private business and I don't therefore see why he would discuss that side of his relationship with his son. Just say out with a friend.

GoodnightGrandma · 01/01/2022 07:53

If they are separated and living in separate houses I don’t see the problem with saying he’s on a date.
Presumably they are getting divorced and the DS knows it ?

SpeedReader · 01/01/2022 08:13

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe, yes, he may be over-estimating how much action he'll be getting!! But I think he's concerned that if he says "out with a friend", he'll then get asked for more details - who, where, etc - and what does he do/say next?

@GoodnightGrandma, I think the DS is struggling to process what has happened, hence the particular concern about any suggestion he's dating or seeing people.

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GoodnightGrandma · 01/01/2022 08:16

It a difficult one then, but I don’t think he should lie to his son, particularly if he’s feeling unsettled.
Perhaps he needs to have a chat about how he is going to be seeing new people in the future, rather than saying that he’s already got someone. Then it doesn’t come as a shock.

AlDanvers · 01/01/2022 08:28

When you say separated last year.....when?

Last year could be last week. If the son is struggling g and the separation was very recent, I would think your friend was a bit of dick, worrying about this. Rather than his son.

I don't think the teen needs to know anything at early stages. 'Out with friends' is absolutely fine.

This friend is am adult and a parent so should know how to have a conversation with the child

'Who are you with'
'Just a few people from work/pub/hobby'
'Where'
'At x place'

I mean parents have conversations all the time with their kids, where they don't share full details with them.

SpeedReader · 01/01/2022 09:14

@AlDanvers, thank you. It has been about six months, but I don't think his son has accepted it, and this is itself causing a lot of stress and angst.

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