I never thought I'd be writing this, but I think my relationship is over. We've been together since 2016, and from the start I made sure we were both on the same page. We agreed a 4 year wait for marriage was fair, now 6 years on he won't even discuss it without ripping my head off. I accept that it's probably due to the fact I'm probably not what he wants. Even though having discussed this many times, he says he's just not ready and that he will be eventually and that I need to be patient.
Now I'm here 6 years later watching everyone who used to be in our friend group getting hitched, moving in together and having babies left right and center when I know I'll never deserve that with him. And as ashamed as I am to say it, we don't live together as neither of us work (me due to having a mental disability which makes it hard to get up in the mornings and commit to a work schedule, communicate with others etc.) and living off a very small monthly sum from PIP so I'm basically stuck living at my grandparents. Moving with him isn't an option as it's not practical, he won't move in with me as he looks after his elderly father. For Christmas I usually come round to his in the evening and spend the night but he didn't want to see me at all this year. I spent weeks painting him a picture, gave it to him on boxing day and didn't even get a thank you, yet I get called ungrateful for asking why he didn't bother to get me anything. Sounds petty I know but it's the small things that are starting to build up.
I find it so hard to make friends let alone form a relationship with others, I've never had a friendship of any kind and without this relationship I know it's going to get lonely as I do rely on him quite a bit for company. I feel in a way like I'm breaking him down, I've been suffering severely from my mental health over the last year without any professional help due to waiting lists. A few times I've been close to being emitted due to attempting to take my own life but he doesn't take me seriously, neither do my family. They joke and say "get on with it already". Because of this my anger has gone through the roof and the only thing the gp will offer is a small dose of antidepressants which did more bad than good after being on them for a year.
To top it all off I've just ended a pregnancy that I thought I was continuing with because I felt I couldn't be supported enough for my mental health as well as my living situation. He wasn't bothered about what my decision was, I had it in my head that he'd be supportive but I guess that's just me hoping for something that wouldn't happen. I'm now laying here with serious regret and I don't know how I'm going to cope, I cry and he walks away and says I'm being silly.
He's become so cold and maybe even resentful, physical affection is non existent, refuses to kiss or hug and when I ask to come over his response is always "upto you", that's if he even bothers to reply and not come up with an excuse that he never got a text from me. He's also never said the words I love you, or anything to show he does. I know I should've left years ago, I've been out with some wonderful men during the hard times when he wasn't there, and looking back I know they treated me better than he ever did.
I really don't know what to do with my life anymore, I'm getting more and more suicidal thoughts going through my mind and it doesn't help that I live very close to beachy head. I apologise for such a depressing post on what's meant to be a happy time for others. I'm at breaking point..