PTSD following a break up

[mincechilli]

I've been suffering since a breakup earlier this year which was traumatic (for me)
It took a lot for me to go into the relationship after years single. I gradually felt controlled, he was sinister, it was an awful experience which left me feeling worthless and depressed. I ended it, he emailed me to say he had slept with someone else, he wasn't doing it to hurt me and felt a mess. Clearly I was upset and it triggered be to briefly go back, trauma bond?
So now I feel resentful he is happy with the OW who i doubt knows he has already cheated, or maybe she does.
The pain has lasted months for me and I have a kept dignified silence. Although I'm finding it hard. His relationship history was woman to woman, he always finds a replacement. I know I need to be kind to myself.

Apologies. I guess I'm looking for some support to move forward and to calm my mind with all of the imaginations

You do need to be kind to yourself.

Often this sort of trauma is linked to two ideas:

The failure of the relationship proves our own lack of worth and we should be single forever and don't deserve a good partner. That we are not good enough.

A fear that this will happen again: that a future relationship will be the same and end the same. That we are not safe.

This is on top of the loneliness, regret etc

What did you feel like just before you got together with him?

I was in the best place Yummy, feeling confident and ready and feel small. He continually put me down. Almost abuse? he said he had me where he wanted Mr and I was a convenience

So have you actually been diagnosed with PTSD ?

I suspect thst is what it is. I'm giving nightmares/flashbacks/instructive thoughts/grief. Despite doing a lot of work on myself I can't seek ro move past it. It is like it remains in the present when it is the past. Its an awful place to be

@Yummypumpkin

You do need to be kind to yourself.

Often this sort of trauma is linked to two ideas:

The failure of the relationship proves our own lack of worth and we should be single forever and don't deserve a good partner. That we are not good enough.

A fear that this will happen again: that a future relationship will be the same and end the same. That we are not safe.

This is on top of the loneliness, regret etc

What did you feel like just before you got together with him?

I could have written that.

There we go. So one thing is before him and without him, you feel confident and ready.

Another thing is you recognise he was abusive and this has messed with your head.

What are the main things you go over and over?

Also, in the last few months, when have you felt most like your old self, however briefly?

I suspect thst is what it is. I'm giving nightmares/flashbacks/instructive thoughts/grief.

Honestly, that sounds like a break up - it doesn’t need to be PTSD to be incredibly painful, stressful and hard. You’re having a very human response to betrayal and being controlled - it’ll take you some time to get past it and that’s normal.

It might be worth looking at therapy to help you unpick how you feel, and to help you get back to that happy and ready place again. I wonder what makes you want to frame it as PTSD? Break ups can be absolutely awful, sometimes we underestimate just how awful and it can help us, or others, treat it more seriously if we think there’s something more psychological at play but it may mean you don’t get the right kind of help. By which I mean the type of care for someone with depression, or anxiety, or grief, or PTSD will differ because they respond to different ways of working.

I’ve found that accepting X has impacted me, and I have strong feelings about it, and not judging myself for those feelings helps a lot, as does connecting with others, keeping a regular routine for eating and sleeping etc. Attending to your own self care first and foremost and if things persist have a chat to your GP. The thing with self diagnosing is it can take us down a bit of a rabbit hole and ultimately leave us feeling worse.

Apologies for the delay.
Main things:
I'm not good enough, clever enough, witty enough, worldly enough. It was clear he was with OW and he basically said in a round about way she is 'better' Almost like he could see my potential and he knows I'm capable but I'm not good enough for him. Maybe it was purposeful. He said he would destroy me in front of me, almost like talking to himself but I was there. Again I think because he was with OW at that point. All the doubts he put into my mind and no emotional availability.

The OW 'looks' lovely and strong and I wonder if he will do the same to her in time. He should come with a warning, as he doesn't give himself time to learn. It just kills me, it really is like being discarded. But, I think my feelings are false, I'm grieving something that didn't exist

I don’t think your feelings are false, grieving what you thought was there is very real, grief for the plans and hopes you had, for the person you thought he was - it’s all grief and giving yourself time to heal and taking time to reflect on how you came to accept such awful behaviour from him will help you avoid the same in future relationships. It’s very hard but your pain is legitimate, don’t beat yourself up for feeling utterly blindsided by him.

Two thoughts: alcohol and drugs severely impair emotional processing. To the point that what would take a sober mind a month to process and resolve, can remain unresolved for years or decades. You sound perfectly sober but I'm mentioning this as the temptation to ease trauma through substances is so strong.

Secondly: if you had more self esteem, his attempts to put you down would make you laugh. You would think how strange and odd he was. You wouldn't consider an insult for a second.

So rather than ruminating on him, it would be useful to think more about you. Do things every day of which you can be proud. Try new things. Support friends. And also examine your beliefs about yourself. One way to do this in fill in the blanks. I am to ... I am not ... enough.

Not sure if this will help, but posting just in case.

After my divorce many years ago, I got involved with someone who represented everything I longed for next: fun! excitement! adventure! sex! All these things I'd never imagined I'd ever get to experience. I thought they were just for movies, and only for people who looked like movie stars.

He was younger than me and, I thought at the time, about 10 times better looking/out of my league.

His previous GF had been a part-time stripper and semi-professional athlete. This was before social media, so I never saw a photo of her, but my imagination went wild. I can't quite explain how it undermined my confidence when I undressed what I considered to be my inadequate, boring little body in the bedroom. I tried to do it when he wasn't looking.

It took me years to realise, long after we split up, that he loved me for being stable and kind. These were new and crucial experiences for him. And actually, as I now realise, I didn't have a boring little body at all. Not that it matters.

What I'm trying to say is that we should never be inhibited by our own self-doubt. There is absolutely no point measuring yourself on a scale of comparison. All of us, men and women, are drawn to relationships in which we learn and grow, even though we may not understand the learning and growth until many years later.

PTSD and c-PTSD are serious mental health disorders, please don’t attempt to diagnose yourself or do the people who truly suffer with them the discourtesy of bandying it about willy-nilly.
Break-ups are painful, I’m sorry you are experiencing that pain.

Thanks for your replies. Wfh hasn't helped as I'm not getting the usual support and company that you'd normally get from colleagues. The OW I can see is publicly posting stuff on social media which I can tell is directed to me. I've stopped looking. He is clearly using this new and quick relationship to get over what he did. It is nothing to do with me but feel unfair he us seemingly happy and I'm left with trying to get over emotional abuse and gaslightlighting. His denial of things he said and calling me names and directly saying I'm mentally unstable and have lost touch with reality. It is absolutely not true. I guess he will be telling his new girlfriend this and she has joined in on social media. How do I move on with this and come to terms with it?

You have to unfollow them on social media. They're camping in your head right now and you have to get them out. Resist the urge to look, their posts are only making it worse. I know it's hard but if you stick with it, slowly you'll start to think about other things.

He sounds like a dick of the highest order for saying those things to you.