Nye handhold

[5thnonblonde]

4 years ago I went NC with my toxic brother and SIL- best thing I did for my mental health and I’m not the first person to drop out of their orbit.

They’ve since struck up a friendship with my ExH and every year for the past 2/3 yrs spend either Xmas (Xmas is less reliable) or NYE with my DC as they host them all. Sometimes my sister joins them which is what really hurts as she agrees both my ExH and B mistreated me. (My ExH was unfaithful and brings his girlfriend who was prev. OW for context)

I can’t do anything about it so I just need to ignore it. Every year it gets easier- no tears or sort of feelings of extreme betrayal this year but I just still feel a bit sad. I guess I just wanted a wee Digital hug. It’s my kids going that feels most uncomfortable now, guess I’m past the concept in general and less so my sister rocking up to raise a glass, but the kids really I just wish they could leave them out if it.

Would rather ppl didn’t tell me to just get over it as that is what I’m very much trying to do- it’s just taking time!

Sounds tough OP

But slap on a fake smile to the children and say you and well and truly over it and that you hope they have a wonderful time, and that you can’t wait to see them in 2022.

Wave them off, and then you do precisely what you fancy… whether that’s an early night and a bath or hitting the town

Yeah the first year I made a very dramatic fool of myself to sister who no doubt fed it all back to them all I genuinely thought she was joking when she said she’d spent Xmas with my kids and ex! (They were 2 and 3 so hadn’t told me themselves and ExH didn’t mention so I found out off her like a week later)

It’s at least a lot better to retain some dignity now but it’s still hard feeling like you’re being told half truths about what your kids are up to

You’re NC with them now
So shouldn’t hear anything

Plaster smile on
You’re not doing it for them
You’re doing it for your children
Focus on that fact and it will help

This is the year to be absolutely removed from all the drama

@Excitedforthefuture I will always hear about them from my kids/sister tho. I guess that’s what I’m struggling with, this would be so much easier if I could just shut them out completely.

I thought coming to terms with ExH’s girlf being in my kids’ life would be impossible but I managed that, just wish I could catch a fucking break rather than have to deal with some other difficult thing I guess!

About to go for a rather chilly run which I hope will blow some of the melancholy away

Can you book Christmas and NY away next year? With your children. Covid permitting you might find a break away breaks the cycle.

@Suzanne999 no our contact order means they have either xmas or nye with their dad and now by extension their uncle.

I'd just tell them I wanted the kids for nye this year.
What are they gonna do 🤷‍♀️

@Pinkbonbon take me to court for breaching a court order pertaining to DC’s contact, or disregard it themselves and keep them for both xmas and NYE next year I guess

Ignore @Pinkbonbon

Obviously bugger all experience

@Excitedforthefuture

Ignore *@Pinkbonbon*

Obviously bugger all experience

Or maybe I'm just not psychic and didn't know there was a court order in place.

That's tough OP I really feel for you. Your children will understand how horrid this is as they grow older and work it out for themselves.
Well done for holding it in and being the bigger person. I wouldn't be surprised if your ex and your B are doing this deliberately. It's also sad your S is being drawn in and not seeing how mean it all is.
Strength to you and a big virtual hug.

But even without a court order in place

It’s not how you do think when divorced and you have children

Your suggestion would ultimately be so shit for the children.

@Pinkbonbon fair enough but ExH and I do have a reasonably respectful relationship now and I’d rather not press the nuclear button over something that is really just about my feelings not DC (although B is openly racist and I’d rather DC weren’t exposed to this) plus yeah I guess quite disruptive for DC who like to know when they’re seeing us

@Dancingsmile I feel my B is doing it to spite me and I’m past being too animated about that. ExH lost a lot of his social circle after our divorce so I see his motives though he’s aware how I feel about B and I feel he could be a bit more considerate. S just goes with the flow and has never stood up to B. She hates conflict and I think because he probably (if he’s like he always was) summons rather than invites and I’ve started keeping quiet about the impact it has on me (as I think that amped things up one year) she probably hopes I’m fine with it and she can keep him happy.

I feel a bit better now- I think I was imagining them all laying into me over wine but obv they’ve probably got much more interesting stuff to chat about after all this time!

Big hugs here, it sounds really difficult.

But you sound great - you have your kids' best interests at heart and you're strong. You do you! 💐

This is tough
And do you deserve to catch a break
It’s too much
But , have you run , watch a movie and tomorrow’s a new year xxx

Thanks @thetinsoldier and @Thisisworsethananticpated a friend texted and reminded me I probably feel ‘notably’ sad bcs since I’ve divorced ExH and cut out B and SIL I’m so much less stressed, less self doubting day to day I’m just not used to feeling like this and this basically annual event kind of drags me back in a little in a way

Yeahhhh this is really tough OP - I feel for you! Take a deep breath and be gentle with yourself. Anything you can do to give yourself a wee treat? You deserve it. Certainly it sounds like you can list a lot of good, positive stuff you have done to build a better life for you and your DC!

I am wishing you a Happy New Year for yet more positive steps and I am glad you are 95% free of these unpleasant people!

It all over OP ! I hope you are feeling better xxx

Yes! I had a little low moment in the morning yesterday and went for a little walk, really cleared my mind and for the first year ever I didn’t cry about it! So I’m seeing progress and realising moving them out has made room for more positive stuff in my life