Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did my mother effect my relationships

4 replies

Londonr · 31/12/2021 15:01

My mum walked out on my dad when I was 14. My dad bought me up from that point. He was a fantastic dad.

I tried my best to stay in contact with my mother . But you could tell she did not want to know me. It was always me who made the effort to contact her. When we spoke she had nothing to say. It was me making the conversation talking about school and general things. All I got was yeah yeah that's nice. Got to go now . And that was it. It went on like this for some time . I did not want to give up on her I thought maybe it was stress from the split. Slowly things just drifted. Although I did keep trying . When I told her I had a child all she said is oh that's nice. Her tone was like she could not careless. She had promised to see my son 9 months later when she still had not seen him I asked why. She said she's dog sitting for 'J' my older sister. And that she did not have to answer to me. She also has a good relationship with my other sister. My mother lives a mix of being in uk and abroad. And my mother gos to my sisters house although not often . And she gos to their home in the UK and abroad for a holiday they talk on the phone etc so I guess a standard relationship. She also has a relationship with my brother although I think its just phone contact.

I (know) I have never done anything wrong to my mother. She's always been very cold towards me I have no idea why. Anyway o realised I can't make her be my mum. I will probably never ever get any another's.

So now my partners mum is lovely. She has a lovely heart and is fantastic with my children. But I find it so hard to feel apart of it all. I find it hard to reach out to her. To just make regular contact see how she is . I feel like I don't really have anything worthwhile to say. I have a fantastic relationship with my own children. We are very close .

I want to feel like I'm apart if things but I don't. And I don't know why. So I'm thinking is it anything to do with how things were with my own mother.

OP posts:
CinstonWhurchill · 31/12/2021 17:56

Hi Op, bumping this for you.

I had a not very great mum ( or Dad for that matter ) and i found it difficult sometimes too with in laws or any parent figure/ loving environment. Hopefully someone wise will be along shortly. I recognise and identify with some of what you have said.

You sound lovely and a great mum. I would advise, let people love you. Just ask her how she is and what she has been up to. Just show a general interest chit chat in her life, include her in the small things with your DP and DC. She sounds a great MIL and grandparent. Your MIL is NOT your Mum.

Have you thought about some counselling to work through independently your thoughts?
Families are complicated.

From your post i can see your vibrancy, your confidence and your kindness. You do not need your mum to validate you. You do not need your mum to come to your home. Your children do not need this woman to visit to see them, in some kind kind of royal anointment. You do not need your mum to answer you. You really do not need the distress your mum brings. She is your mum, end of. Who knows how her mind works, as i have found now i am 50.. my mums issues are not mine, your mums are not yours. Let go of this and be your own woman, mother, daughter in law.

Do not allow your mums failings to dictate yours. Have your own failings and flaws but do not let your mums be passed on. Be your own woman and be confident in you and your subsequent relationships.

Londonr · 31/12/2021 18:30

@CinstonWhurchill

Hi Op, bumping this for you.

I had a not very great mum ( or Dad for that matter ) and i found it difficult sometimes too with in laws or any parent figure/ loving environment. Hopefully someone wise will be along shortly. I recognise and identify with some of what you have said.

You sound lovely and a great mum. I would advise, let people love you. Just ask her how she is and what she has been up to. Just show a general interest chit chat in her life, include her in the small things with your DP and DC. She sounds a great MIL and grandparent. Your MIL is NOT your Mum.

Have you thought about some counselling to work through independently your thoughts?
Families are complicated.

From your post i can see your vibrancy, your confidence and your kindness. You do not need your mum to validate you. You do not need your mum to come to your home. Your children do not need this woman to visit to see them, in some kind kind of royal anointment. You do not need your mum to answer you. You really do not need the distress your mum brings. She is your mum, end of. Who knows how her mind works, as i have found now i am 50.. my mums issues are not mine, your mums are not yours. Let go of this and be your own woman, mother, daughter in law.

Do not allow your mums failings to dictate yours. Have your own failings and flaws but do not let your mums be passed on. Be your own woman and be confident in you and your subsequent relationships.

Thank you. There is no contact with her at all. My children sint even know who she is. They don't know any different so that's how I leave it.

I make sure that my children feel they can talk to me about anything which they do. I made a promise to myself that I would never ever make them feel how my mother made me feel .

I think your definitely right about the parenting rule of partners mum. That does make alot of sense. It does not come naturally but I will definitely try reach out to her more .

OP posts:
Whatabambam · 31/12/2021 18:45

You sound lovely OP, I wonder if you could open up to your MIL and share with her that you value her and care for her? She might like to hear something that is sincere and heartfelt. As a MIL, she might be unsure of how she is perceived as it's a sensitive position to occupy.

CinstonWhurchill · 31/12/2021 18:51

Good luck and all the best to you @Londonr.

From one Londoner to another.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread