Urgent advice needed - abusive EXH and DD/travel

[FutureHope]

I will really appreciate any advice.

EXH is covert narc and I believe not very stable. DS (14) is not seeing him atm (his choice) due to behaviour witnessed. EXH blames me for this. Meanwhile, DD (15) is his golden girl and can do no wrong.

On Xmas eve, he was so abusive to me on the phone that I had to call 101. Police were great but because he had not actually threatened me physically or turned up at my property, they could not act (though agreed texts etc abusive).

I now have 2 issues to deal with:

1. DD found out I had called the police (car parked outside) and is furious. She's already angry with her brother for not seeing EXH and yelled at me that I should not have called the police, that Dad has done nothing, etc etc. She is coerceively controlled I know, and she'll be having some counselling come Jan, but my feeling is hurt is awful. How can I get past my own emotions to parent her through this?

1. EXH has sent a message stating, amid a number of other things ('steps he will be taking to reinstate contact with his son' (legal I presume), that he absolutely forbids me from taking the kids out of the country for the forseeable future. We are due to go skiing in Feb for a week - longstanding arrangement since separation (he takes them in Oct half term, I take them in Feb). CAn he actually do this?

thankyou so much.

Hopefully someone will be along soon who can advise on the legal side of things. Presumably if he refuses to let you take your DC out of the country, you can do the same to him, which surely he won't want to happen? That would of course not resolve the underlying issue, which is your ex being a controlling abuser who is willing to use the children as pawns to punish you.

Does your DD know what he said on Christmas Eve? IMO she is old enough to know, and it's relevant being as she is questionning why you called the Police. Does she know he is trying to stop her February holiday? It's good that she is going to have counselling, but until she sees the light, I know it's hard, but you have to remain the solid, reliable, loving adult. Tell her that she is old enough to know so much, but she isn't an adult and she doesn't have all the facts. That you love her and always want what's best. That you called the police because you were being threatened and would do so again.

In all interactions with your Ex, take a breath before reading / replying, and save all incriminating messages from him. And in all communications show that you are being reasonable and putting your children first. Keep those messages. They may be relevant in court. They may even be relevant when your DC are older and want to understand more.

How likely to uphold the holiday thing is he? Technically yes you need his permission but any action he takes to stop you will have consequences for him too. The problem is there is such an back log in court cases and lawyers are so busy (according to family lawyer friend it's divorce season) is sorry to get court permission there might not be time. @layladomino gives good advice re dd. I can't imagine any court forcing a 14 year old to have contact with his dad he doesn't want so don't worry about that

Thankyou both so much. Went out for a walk to try to calm down & phone battery died.

Police are coming over tonight. They said he has committed offences and will want to speak with him.

DD doesn’t know completely what he said in Xmas eve. She is still raging. I’ve told her that I have the right to feel safe in my own home and that my job is to protect her and DS and keep them safe. She just glared at me.

Will get legal advice as soon as things reopen Tuesday. Will keep all comms. Thankyou both so much again.

I've taken my children away many times (as has XH) and never been asked for a letter giving permission. Do you have the same surname? Is there a court order saying the children live with you?

Ds14 would be deemed old enough to choose whether or not to see his dad. He won't be forced to see him if he's not keen

Technically he's right about the holiday. Now that he's warned you instead of dropping the bombshell just before you go, it's worth getting this annual holiday legalised so he can't pull this shit.

Depends if you have an order or not.

My order states I have residency. I can take mine for up to 28 days. He however, needs written permission from me -can not take them to a dangerous country and must provide me with details of where he is staying. I have their passports in any case. He hasn't paid towards then and I would make him pay for the passports. etc and insurance as I have the EHIC.

However, mine would not give me the passports back -if I charge him the full amount and agree to refund
half back when he returns the passports -that is ok with me.

Has he told you in writing that you can't take the kids? Yet he took them in October. I'd ignore him if no court order and let him take me to court.

@SoupDragon

I've taken my children away many times (as has XH) and never been asked for a letter giving permission. Do you have the same surname? Is there a court order saying the children live with you?

You're right you don't get asked for letters although might get quizzed on return especially if your surname differs. No problem you've had your holiday by then. A verbal 'you can't go' is meaningless too. Exp got wind we were going abroad at the last minute at a time he didn't have contact. It was too late for him to raise anything via courts however he did send a solicitors letter saying he didn't consent and also called the police to say I was kidnapping his children. My lawyer advised me to ignore at this point. The police turned up at 1am when we had to leave at 5 for the airport. Basically explained they had no choice but to do a welfare check and not to worry and go and enjoy my holiday. They saw right through him thankfully. Had he applied to court had there been time he wouldn't have been successful anyway. There's no suggestion your about to steal you dc and live abroad so he won't be either. As I said just depends how far he's willing to take it what steps you'll need to take and what current timescales are for emergency and non emergency hearings

You need to get a court order saying you can take them away

Do you residency or similar? If so it should automatically give you the right to take them so all depends on the legal arrangements and orders in place.

Specific issues order. Apply immediately, you can fill in the form and submit it yourself. Legally you need his permission to remove the dc, and he can prevent it.

My ex tried the same, the judge just laughed at him. What sort of loving father would stop his kids going on holiday. Cunt.

Thanks to you all that is massively helpful. I will explore specific issues order Tuesday when things reopen.

Police said 7pm appt but not here yet. Really hoping they turn up.

Form C100 at your local family court for the specific issue order for the February holiday.
Tick no to mediation as not time.
Also, if you feel appropriate, lodge a request for a child arrangement order so that you are the resident parent which gives you the ability to take the kids abroad for 28 days without his explicit permission so he can no longer do this in future.
He will need permission from you in for his with the kids holidays as you are the resident parent.

Good luck

I had to do this as my ex-DP pulled this "trick" with about 10 working days before the start of a holiday.

Thank you so much. That is what I will do on Tuesday.