Need reassurance I've done the right thing...

[Struggling1702]

I have two DC (nearly 11 and 6). STBXH and I separated nearly 2.5 years ago, he moved out 2 years ago. I filed for divorce after discovering affair number 3.
I used to work PT (now FT) in a new career, left my old one as wasn't compatible with family life. ExH worked away (his choice) and pursued his career and now earns well into 6 figures but is self employed so can tweak figures. Current custody is 70/30 to me.
Anyway, I stayed in family home but after 2 years of fighting in mediation, I have run out of money and can't fight anymore. He would turn up unprepared, with documents full of lies and we'd spend 3 hours wasting time and money trying to get him to be honest.
Anyway, he finally disclosed his actual salary and is now paying correct maintenance but I've had to agree to give him the house and I should complete in next few days... I'm getting 60% of equity and moving to smaller house in not very nice area. He and his new GF are moving in here.
I and the kids are devastated and I'm worrying I should have fought more. Court option would have just ended with me in debt as so little equity on the house to fight over. I couldn't buy him out and he outright refused to let me stay a few more years.
I felt trapped, he admitted to starving me out the the house and I was so stressed financially it was affecting every aspect of my life.
But now reality is here, we're moving and I feel like such a failure.

It doesn’t sound like you had the choice, you can’t fight your horrid ex forever. He admitted he was never going to let you stay in the house.

Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, and it sounds like you have done the wisest thing considering your situation.

The children will know he is responsible for their new living circumstances. Sooner or later they will let him know what they think.

All the best in your new life.

It may be a smaller home and less nice area...but you can make it comfy and nice.

It is a difficult change to made and very tough to accept especially knowing he will be living in that same house, knowing he earned very good money and didn't have to do this to his DC.
It is really galling but please know you can fill your new place with love and it will be a home for your kids.
Your mental health is important... as well as not getting yourself into unnecessary debt.
The fact that you will be in a smaller house now doesn't mean you will remain in a smaller house for ever. The fact that he seems to have 'won' does not mean he will remain a 'winner'.
You will see the positives... in time. Try not to be bitter. Try not to dwell on it for your own peace of mind and happiness.
Let it all go. You can build a new future. And it can be better than before. It can even be better than his.
No one knows the future.
Well done on not going down that rabbit hole and ending up in ridiculous debt. 💪

Don’t be devastated about moving. It’s a fresh start and present it in an exciting way to the children. Lots of people have to move/downsize when they divorce.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You are actually very smart. And clearly have very different values to him.
He sounds like a failure. To be that horrible a person...yep, total failure.

It sounds like you fought as long and as hard as you could OP and for the record your STBXH is a total cunt for doing this to you and DC. I think you have to try to reframe it in your head, you haven't failed, you've put a stop to him draining your energy and money so you can concentrate on making a fabulous new life for you and DC, that's a positive decision not any kind of failure. That new house represents hope and freedom, a fresh start away from all his lies and manipulation, a sanctuary for you and DC. It's an upheaval for all of you but it will feel like home much faster than you or the kids realise, you just have to plaster on a smile for their sakes and get through the hard bit while you all settle in. It will be ok, better than ok, it will be yours

He is a failure as a human being and father and you are a success as a person and mother.

I'd be tempted to do that thing where people hide sardines (not in their tins) under floorboards and other hard to discover places if I were you.
But then I am not very nice : )

Thanks everyone. I really needed to hear this. My daughter was so upset yesterday about it all, I then couldn't sleep..I'm trying to plan rooms and nothing will fit. It's pretty hard.
My dad also thinks I gave in and should have taken him to court, which doesn't help x

Your dad isn't in your situation though is he? And likely doesn't know the extent of STBXH's manipulation and head games. In an ideal world yes, take him to court and screw him for everything you can get but it's not an ideal world and trying to do that has already taken too much from you, time, energy, money, headspace. That's enough now and no one else has the right to tell you otherwise because it's not them having to live it. Your dad is most likely feeling the injustice on your (and DC's) behalf so it wouldn't hurt to remind him it's STBXH he should be angry with and ask him to just support you rather than criticise.

my in laws lost their family home due to a few unwise decisions. at the time everyone was unset. my husband actually stopped talking to his dad for a bit because his mum was devastated having to leave and he was so mad at him.
they moved to a smaller home an you know what they love it. They have more money since it's easier to heat and less mortgage and we love it cause its where they live.
it definitely showed me that a house is a building. home is the people in it.
I think it must be extra hard for you children because their father is doing this but hopefully in a few weeks you'll be settled and enjoying the benefits of your new house.

Hi everyone. Thanks for all the support. I'm having a bit of a bad day with it all today. I'm so hurt and angry that someone could behave so badly and yet walk away with everything. Life can't work like this surely?
ExH had 3 physical affairs and I lost count of the other inappropriate behaviours most people would end a marriage over (sexting, sending erotic videos of himself to other women, asking women out on dates etc). He has been exceptionally selfish our whole time together but this has got worse since the split. He has not been a good enough dad... He does the fun stuff and throws money at the kids. He doesn't do any of the hard stuff such as homework or routines. He prioritises his GF over his children - he moved her in after only knowing her 3 months and our children had only met her once... He's been emotionally abusive and financially abusive.
How can such a vile human be so happy? He's got a young, attractive GF, the good bits of parenting, an extremely well paid job (that is fewer hours a week than mine), loads of free time to go to the gym and going on trips away with his GF. He looks so bloody smug and he belittles me for lack of success...
I get a shitty new house, the shitty bits of parenting, I'm permanently exhausted and get stroppy with the kids as I am so stressed juggling 40 hour week and having kids 70% of the time and all the parental responsibility. This is not the life I wanted 😞

I'm so sorry @Struggling1702

It is crap. There's no way to wrap it up as other than that. Sure you'll do your best in the new house & with your DC but it's really really hard. I'm in a similar situation.

The only thing to hold onto is ... you are away from this vile, abusive man. If you were with him still, think how much worse your life would be.

Best of luck 💐

And you are doing amazingly, even if you don't feel it. It's a huge achievement to have sorted the house & be moving into a new property. I'm still mired in legal matters relating to the family home that seem interminable.

And while it's really tough with the kids, you are giving them what they need as a parent, and you'll see that when they are older & grown up (what I tell myself too) x

In the end, you'll win.

You'll have children that will eventually realise your sacrifices and will adore you unconditionally.

Furniture won't fit? Improvise, make do and make it yours and the kid's home.

Your ex will forever have a shitty attitude, younger women and eventually no one.

Keep fighting, keep being there, you'll win.

My sister moved out of their big family home and stayed in a small flat. Then she found her Mr Right and they now have a big, beautiful house in a well-to-do area whilst her exH lives in the old family house still living his most miserable life and being insanely jealous and bitter of her.

This is just temporary. Take the time to find yourself. Things will get better.

He appears happy because he is content with superficial relationships and things. He can keep going to the gym and replacing women with younger models year after year, but ultimately being that much of a c*nt only leads to being alone and resented by everyone (including his own children). You have chosen the hard option - leaving, rebuilding, doing the right thing - ultimately doing the right stuff leads to a better, more fulfilling life.

And when you look back at life, you will know you did the right thing in getting yourself and your kids away from that man and taking the tough but right road. A lot of women can't say that - they put up with being treated like shit to not have to face situations like yours. But i'm sure they wish they hadn't.

Thank you. Really really need to hear all this today, especially on a day when I am feeling far from strong

Hang in there, op.
There's no denying that it is tough and frankly very difficult.
It is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. One really needs to hold on tight to the fact you are providing a stable home for the kids and you are really lucky to have a job. Else the stress of the whole thing can drive one to the brink. It feels so unfair. It is so unfair.
And you are right... Surely life doesn't work this way. I have to believe that.
I am in a very similar position as you.
He remains determined to ensure I don't get a penny. It's been two and a half years... I have had to move home. I have the children 90:10. He is living the life of Riley and throws cash at his relatives. While his children (& I) are barely scraping by.
It hurts like mad. But I had to let it go in order to start forging a future for myself and the kids.
I have to believe I will get what I deserve and work towards, he will get his just desserts.
I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hang in there.

Former litigation solicitor here. You know, fighting someone reasonable is draining, makes one anxious, costs a lot of money and threatens a person’s mental health.

Fighting someone unreasonable, who has a point to prove and who has deep pockets, is all of that and then some.

To me you are a roaring success because, prior to having the stuffing knocked out of you, you took a pragmatic decision to move on and not have to accommodate your ex any longer. You and the children will create a new safe, with new habits and new challenges and excitements.

It stinks and it’s not bloody fair. But hold your head up because you are intact, so is your dignity, and you are doing a great job.

Some of these things actually made me well up a little. Thank you all, so much.
Doesn't help I've had covid and been absolutely shattered... It's so tough when you're I'll and have no one to help out. Still have to do all the chores and be a parent. I didn't rest much.
Ex was back to being a complete controlling knob yesterday so that helped... Rather than be envious of his new life I felt grateful I'm out and a little sory for his new partner who has no idea what's in store for her 😬

I understand how you feel .
I have my children 100% . Ex swans in occasionaly but would def consider himself to be a devoted and caring dad .
We fought over the house til I realised it was futile.
I bought a little house in a not so nice area and left the huge house in a the prime area .
Somehow it’s fine . We just sort of got on with it .
And yesterday my 18 year old (who was 12 when we moved ) said ‘ our house is so cosy . I much prefer it to the other house now , I was scared to go upstairs in that one ‘
Home is where you put your heart
You’ve done the right thing not fighting very something that in the end you would be sat in when the children have gone .