If you don't get on with your family - do you maintain a relationship for your kids? How?

[Flingingmelon]

Won't go into details because you've all heard it all before, but I live with DH and DS at the other side of the country to my family.

After another excruciating Christmas period we are just absolutely done with them.

However we want DS (8) to be able to have a relationship with his Granny and cousins. He needs to have his own opinions about them.

I'm fully aware that my sibling would not call me ever again given the opportunity and DM is more than happy with a weekend every six months.

If you are in the same boat, how do you handle it?

TIA

Not in the exact same position but similar. I would like my kids to have a relationship with my mother, I would like to have a relationship with her but I can’t stand my step dad, he upsets my DC’s making it impossible for me to take them over there, he’s also horrible to me but my mum stands by him and does nothing to stop it. We last saw them Christmas Eve and I don’t plan on going over there again, it ruined Christmas for me after he bullied my dd.

I also don’t really have a relationship with my sibling, I talk to SIL more than I talk to him.

I don’t feel it’s important for my dc to have a relationship with them, though o do feel sad about not being able to have a close relationship with my mum, I prey that one day she will see sense or that step dad will pass away and my mum will be able to have a relationship with her grandkids again.

"However we want DS (8) to be able to have a relationship with his Granny and cousins. He needs to have his own opinions about them".

He is already forming his own opinions by seeing how nasty relatives behave with and around you people as his parents. It will do him no favours either to see you as his parents being so disrespected or ignored. What sort of relationship is he going to have with these people?. His cousins likely have their own friends so they and your son are not going to meet up very often.

If these relatives are too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your child also. Would strongly urge you to protect your child from such malign influences. If your DHs relatives are nice and importantly are emotionally healthy people then concentrate your efforts further on them. You all need radiators in your life, not drains.

Thanks both - DH's family are absolutely lovely and we all have a really good time with them all. There's no other kids but they're all fab with DS.

My DM and my Dsibling have both told me and DS off in the last 48 hours. DH is - as always - eyeing the door.

It's true, good relationships are what is needed.

Thanks

What makes you feel your DS would gain something from a relationship with them when you and your DH don't want to have a relationship with them? We had a similar situation as children and while we enjoyed seeing our cousins' it wasn't worth holding onto that relationship, at the cost of continuing to be exposed to the toxic behaviour of our grandparents.

What @AttilaTheMeerkat said.

Why do you want to push the relationship into your DS with somebody who is rude and disrespectful to you? What positive outcome it will have? Your mother and sibling ganging up on your child or you?

8 year old child is easily influenced.

Keep him away from nasty relatives and cherish the ones who love you and your child.

Mother and kids come as a package.Nobody bypasses the mother to “have a relationship” with a child.Sod that.

I've been low contact with mine for years. I don't see any reason why my children should have to be pushed into knowing people who are basically horrible. And I don't think that you should do this either. Children should have relationships which nurture them - not ones which undermine and humiliate them. Don't do it .

I think the question should not be how do you maintain a relationship for your children with family that treat you poorly, by why would you do that.
Surely the answer is that you don't.