Is it me not wanting to let go

[Aim1159]

Good morning

My ex left in august he was always out with the lads and never home with me and our 2 children if he was he would be hungover I finally plucked up the courage and asked him to leave. I found myself a full time job and just got on with. We remained on good terms and a month later said maybe he should come back he rang and said he had told his landlord he will be moving out soon and I stupidly had doubts and said maybe we should do it slowly he turned round and said forget it I wasn’t coming home for me but the kids because he doesn’t love me anymore my heart broke a month after moving out he decides this my head was all over the place the hardest part was pretending everything was ok but deep down I felt sick hurt. I tried for about 3 weeks in denial I mean how can someone turn like that it I finally realised I had to close the door and excepted it then end of October he calls out the blue saying maybe he should stay the night once a week we tried it and was good then out the blue I got I don’t love you I care for you as the mother of my children I felt a lot stronger this time and excepted it asked him to leave me alone I then get how he doesn’t want to live how he does he needs a women in his life I’m the closet women to him he come and stayed the week at mine then on a Friday night I got a text saying he wasn’t coming back but he will always be in our lives again I was ready to accept this and told him just to leave me be again he didn’t and we did the Christmas family stuff together he then messaged saying maybe we should get dinner together just us 2 so I agree and he keeps putting it off we had agreed Christmas and Boxing Day are my days I would drop the kids to mine as his mum and sister was coming down and I’d stay at my mums and they have there Christmas together the day before Christmas Eve he texts and says he wants to spend Christmas Day with his kids so could he come my mums also I agreed and he said you might aswel stay with us when his family came to stay I stupidly agreed we’ll it got to much for me and I broke down to him I said your either in or out now no more games and he said he doesn’t know what he wants but will come home next week but isn’t making any promises it will work shock horror he’s now ignoring me when it comes to talking about coming home he’s been on a bender since 28th and woke me up at 6 am yesterday to order him a taxi from his mates to his house because he was to drunk.
Also we run a business together he doesn’t pay me I do the accounts email customers and book them in so I also know how much he’s spending on nights out.
I would also like to point out this guy sounds as if he’s in his twenties he’s in his forties.

What do I do next I’m at breaking point if he comes home he hasn’t changed but I can’t seem to let him go because every time I’m ready he’s there wanting to try

Can I block him out my life and only have contact about the kids and I walk away from the business part of me feels as if he just using me anyway to do his hard work

Sorry for the long post iv held it in for so long and feel I need some guidance

X

His actions and what he's said has made it clear. What do you get out of all this? Imagine several years from now. He's still walking in and out your life as it suits him. Why would you choose this!

Thank you for reading I think I was hoping he didn't mean he didn't love me anymore being in denial because he isn't letting go either

@Aim1158
Throw this one back in the river, he's no good, he playing you the sooner you except it the better for you you can start to move on.

He's playing with your heart trying to keep you at arms length so you don't meet someone else he doesn't want you but doesn't want anybody else to have you 💚

You're his unpaid admin, with occasional benefits on the side. A convenience.

Kick him out permanently, set your ground rules and tell him to order his own taxi

He doesn't love you

He is treating you terrribly and you are accepting it.
Don't allow him to stay over any more.
Organise custody and child maintenance
Get a job outside of his business and stop working for him.
Cut your ties.
Communicate only about the children.

He's really messing with my head isn't he I know I'm happier without him i just wish he had left me alone in October when I asked him to

Stop letting him dictate when he comes and goes. Get strict dates you each have the kids and do not engage with him apart from that.. He doesn’t want you, he has said that, so stop jumping every time he says jump .

You know the relationship will never work/ he has no respect for you at the moment as he knows you are always there for him

Iv a full time job and I do his work of an evening I feel I maybe kept doing it to keep hold of him

He can’t keep walking in and out of your life if you shut the door on him.
Make the choice and take control of the situation. You will feel much better once you’ve made the decision and stuck to it.

The reason he keeps coming back is he doesn’t want to burn his bridges, your lives are entwined and it’s complicated to unravel them and he frankly can’t be arsed. He also doesn’t want you to move on because that would mean you’re not there to pick up the pieces when he’s hungover or come down after a bender and is feeling guilt and anxiety.
If you moved on he wouldn’t be to do that anymore, so he keeps you dangling.

Honestly the only way to get over someone like this is to make the decision to do it and stick to it. Tell him it’s over, ask for his key back if he still has one, work out a financial agreement for the kids and the work you do for his company (or give him a months notice to find someone else) and keep all your conversations strictly about the kids.

You can move on, he’s not got a magic spell over you.
Make the decision and stick to it, anytime you doubt yourself then just remember that someone who loved you would not hurt you like this. It’s not denial on his part, it’s called having your cake and eating it.

I want to block him because I don't want that temptation he has text me everyday since November and I don't want to text him back but have no control whatsoever

Stop doing the pick me dance. You are giving him all the power.

You decide that you don't need this in your life anymore.

Block him on everything. Give him one email address to contact you on regarding your dc. Only respond to messages regarding them. Ignore anything else.

He comes and picks up the kids and leaves. He doesn't come into the house.

It will be hard but you will be happier because you are in control.

I'm not seeing much strength here, or acceptance, despite your words, and until you respect yourself more, he's going to continue to disrespect you. So far he says jump and you ask how high? That's never going to lead to a good outcome.
You call him your ex - H or P? There is a big difference moving forward. If you are not married, cut out doing any work for him as you have no financial claim to the business so it is of less benefit to you. If married, it could be handy to have eyes on the accounts.
Basically, you can't recover and get over it because you are seeing to much of him. Quit having him round whenever he wants to turn up. Don't play happy families. You need to avoid him as far as possible. All communication should be about the DC only. He will continue to take what you've got for granted if you don't cut him off from family time ( he sees them, sure but not in your home and not with you), cut him off from sex ( never give in on this), cut all help you have been (did you actually order him a taxi at 6am? You really are letting him take the piss out of you). You have to show him what he will lose by withdrawing everything. By doing that, hopefully, you will come to realise how much happier you are seeing him less, at the same time it's possible it could show him the error of his ways ( don't hold your breath on that).
Fortunately, the way to get him back, as an improved individual, is the same way to to get over him, so it's a win/win. Minimal contact is the answer to both.
Really though he's shown to be a person of low morals, although you have let him use you, he's a particular kind of nasty character to take advantage of that

Thank you I need to hear all this he's never coming back is he and unfortunately yes I did order him a taxi unfortunately everytime he gambles I'm on the other end telling him it's going to be ok everytime he's spent all his money I'm there but the second a job pays out I'm non existent aren't I il get the text when he wakes up then boom back on it or I get a drunk phone call and the apolgetic text the next day I need to break the cycle im hurting myself he's not sat crying whilst in a pub or nightclub I think he's not let go because im not letting him

@Aim1159

Thank you for reading I think I was hoping he didn't mean he didn't love me anymore being in denial because he isn't letting go either

If somebody loves you, they don't put you in a position where you have to figure things out like this.

The fact that you feel confused and are looking for hidden meanings is enough to show that you must stay away from this relationship, regardless of his feelings.

Your feelings should be your priority here, and if a situation makes you feel emotionally bewildered like this, your priority should be removing yourself from the source of bewilderment.

That's all 'boundaries' means, you know. People complicate it so much, but basically, if you put distance between you and those who make you feel bad or confused, you're sorted. It's very simple. You don't need to question your feelings or his feelings or anything:

Does this relationship feel nice?

Yes: stay
No: leave

That's it.

People in relationships that feel nice aren't posting on forums for advice.

May I suggest you get solo counselling asap because you act like he has all the power, when he doesn’t. Accepting whatever crumbs he throws your way is a choice and only you can stop choosing to accept them.

Prioritising someone who sees you only as an convenience, never ends well.

You sound lovely OP, this twat basically wants the single life but know that as a back up there is someone who cares and entertains the occasional shag. Lots of these men around- he isnt special. I would concentrate on yourself and the kids, I’m sure once sex isn’t on the menu or doing any admin for him that he will soon move on to another willing person