I spoke to a solicitor as my xdh and I had a legal agreement in place with regards to shared care of our DS. My youngest DS had disclosed events gradually that had led him to decide that he wanted to cease contact with his Dad and when he shared these with me I was horrified and fully supported him
Of course his Dad is very unhappy and threatening both of us with legal action and the "authorities" and continues to make these threats however hasn't actually done so, yet anyway .
Ultimately my solicitor was able to reassure me that my DSs view will be listened to in court, also that my xdh is entirely in the wrong in his behaviour and is in danger of losing his parental rights if he was foolish enough to start action legally . We wrote to him and told him this, as he won't listen to any advice I have.
If he is stupid enough to take forward legally , it is for him to take the next step. At the moment we are sitting tight awaiting his latest farcical approach. If he does speak to the "authorities" then I have supporting evidence going back 3 years , and also my DSs own views will be held into account .
She explained to me that his behaviour was at the serious end of both mental and physical abuse ,,, it sounds stupid now but when you are conditioned yourself it is easy to minimise things and for me it was a way of validating my feelings and that I was doing the right thing instead of continuing trying to.mediate the situation for the sake of maintaining contact.
I understand where you are coming from Op as for a considerable time I thought that the most important thing was maintaining contact even if this contact was less than ideal. I have now changed my view on that and realise that to protect my DS , the solution is no contact. Hard as that may be.
My xdh will.not change , will not suddenly mend his ways and be a great father . That ship has sailed ., even today he has text my son to say he doesn't understand waht he has done and it is hurting his feelings that he doesn't want to see him.
This follows months of emotional abuse, verbal and physical assaults , and hosting him in an entirely toxic environment with his crackpot of partner who has also subjected my Ds to harm, unprotected by xDH. Yet he has no idea what he has done apparently.
Op, do something now before things escalate. It will be difficult but I promise you your DC will look back and be thankful you have taken steps to protect them . They need to have an example of a positive environment to help them in later life .
I agonised like yourself, however the thought of my Ds poentially coming to further harm and realising later in life that I had the opportunity to help and did nothing would be horrific.
Like you OP, my xdh has a professional job and is respected, likewise his partner would be at risk of losing her professional livelyhood and reputation due to her involvement .
I would advise you to document and keep all evidence you can. These could be text conversations between you and the DC and also DH, photos etc. Even document yourself daily if relevant . I would text my sister daily with updates , and this helps me with chronological sequences of events etc .